I have a permanent ache in my chest- and every time he talks to me it gets worse and worse. It's becoming more difficult to ignore. I used to be able to push it out of my thoughts and pretend I was okay but I don’t know how to do that any more. It’s like this emptiness is taking over every thought I have. I'm scared if I don’t get rid of him it will swallow me whole but at the same time I’m terrified that it will engulf me in darkness permanently if he’s gone.

It’s like he’s become both the life preserver and the tidal wave. Talking to him drags me to the bottom of the ocean and drowns me but at the same time somehow pulls me to the surface and pushes the oxygen back into my lungs.

I don’t know how to live with or without him.

sometimes i think about
a mild and bleak morning
peeking through the curtains
and laying its light rays down
spreading across the white sheets
in which we lay; like two halves
entwined in a silent reunion
that surpasses the dark night
and flowers like the rising sun

The walls are thin
and I can hear them
talking about me.

They don't bother to whisper,
shouting my faults
insults
teases
blaming me
for all that is wrong.

The walls are thin,
and even blasting my music
lovely lana
cannot drown out their curses.
but the walls don't really matter.

Funny,
people drive me home
and they say
they wait
to make sure I get inside safe,
but don't wait
to make sure I come out safe.
One foot in the door
and the insults come rushing
it's a battle to breath
only harsh cruel words are spoken
and my silence cannot lessen them.

Every breath I take
is deserving
of a slap in the face
and screams
inches from my heart
the air is cold
and tense
so I keep the lights off
so the only light
comes from my computer
where I can hide away
in fictional stories
and superheroes
wishing I was one of them.

The walls are thin
the walls don't matter
it's like they're not there at all
I'm always under attack
getting text messages at school
to let me know how bad I am
I have nowhere to run
nowhere to go
no place to stay
I'm stuck fighting every night
bones too weak from the fight
to get up each morning
the best I can do
is stay barely alive
seconds from tears
hoping one day
I can be liberated.

Girl, I love those scars
that branch up and down your arms.
Girl, I see those eyes
that stare daggers and stare knives.

I'll get you to feel again
when you see my fake smile.

I'll get you alive again
at least for a little while.

But at the end of the day
once I've had my way,
I'll leave you just like the last
guy from your horrid past.

Because I don't want to insist,
but I don't care for your happiness.
Because you can't forget once you've learned this,
I only want my name bleeding from your wrist.

I only want to be another tally mark
of scar tissue on your thigh.

I only want to leave you in the dark
and listen to you silently cry.