Drugs
its what he said
its what he did

Drugs
he made him
light
fun
free
caring

Drugs
he loved me
when he was on drugs
he kissed me
held me
laughed with me

Drugs
I should have known

Drugs
he does them sometimes
and then
everyday

Drugs
They make him happy
smarter
faster
stronger

Drugs
its getting bad

Drugs
He has a problem

Drugs
Everyday
all day

Drugs
on his lips
hands
mind

Drugs
I dont do drugs


But I am addicted to him

does the inside of your head
ever feel like a radio
thats constantly changing
stations
with lots of
static
and all the stations are
bad thoughts
that are strung together in
a sort of continuous narrative
of constantly escalating
fear
and
compounding dread?

Yes mama, I know.

Mama I know he is a little ***** and rough around the edges, but mama he held me.

Yes mama, I know.

Mama I know he was bad with money, but mama he held me.

Yes mama, I know.

Mama I know he isn't as educated as I am and sometimes he gets mad at me for that, but mama he held me.

Yes mama, I know.

Mama I know he pulled my hair that one time, but it felt like home, and mama he held me.

Yes mama, I know.

Mama I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, but mama he held me.

Yes mama, I know.

Mama I know he treated me like ****, but mama he held me.

Yes mama, I know.

Mama I know he doesn't really love me, but mama he held me.

Yes mama, I know.

Mama I know he gets pushy with ***, but mama he held me.

Yes mama, I know.

Mama I know none of my friends or family like him, but mama he held me.

Yes mama, I know.

Mama I know he will leave me faster than he came, but mama he held me.

Yes mama, I know.

Mama I know he uses me, but mama he held me.

Yes mama, I know.

Mama I know he won't be enough for me, but mama he held me.

Yes mama, I know.

Mama I know we love in different ways, but mama he held me.

Yes mama, I know.

Mama I know he draws too much attention to himself and I hate attention, but mama he held me.

Yes mama, I know.

Mama I know, I know I know, I know.

I know mama, I know.

Yes, yes mama I know.

Yes, I know

I know.

I know!

I know mama!

Yes, I know!

Don't you think I know?

Mama, I know!

But mama, mama listen!

Listen mama!

But mama, mama listen!

Listen mama!

You won't listen.

Mama! HE HELD ME!



Well mama, I did it.

Mama, I got him to calm down

Well mama, I did it.

Mama, I got him to treat me right.

Well mama, did it.

Mama, he chose me.

Well mama, now I am unhappy.

the rapid fire
of electric
pragmatic
wonderful
heavy
breath

on my
neck
ears
lips

hands
gripping
groping
teasing

hips
pushing
thrusting
grinding

chest
pressing
holding
panting

lips
*******
biting
kissing

oh but his eyes  
they
were
fixed
on me
the
whole
time.

"Don't tell me sad things"
He says
I guess I'll just hold it inside.

Your selfish words have made me self sustainable.

I do not need you. I pick you. You should feel so lucky.

"I need you" he says. And that's just great. No pressure.

I do not need him. And that makes him sad but its the truth.

"I don't want to lie to you" he says.

Well that's fine. But it is easier that way. Just tell me what I want.

I just want things my to be my way. What's wrong with that?

"Don't tell me sad things"

I guess I'll just hold it inside.

I hope you never see the things I've seen
And I hope you never do what I've done
I hope you never felt what I felt
And I hope you never fall like I have
I hope you never see someone get hurt
And I hope no one ever hurts you
I hope you don't get scared
And if you do, you come to me
I hope that if you comply with any of these requests
And you aren't truly happy
I hope you break each one
And find what all they can bring.

I take it in waves
the heart-pounding
the ear-ringing
calorie-counting
run-tracking
grade-tracking

I take it in waves
Am I social enough?
watch too much tv?
not enough?
care too much?
care too little?
pray enough?
drink enough?
have enough ***?
too much ***?
with the right people enough?
are these the wrong people?

I take it in waves
no one cares
no one notices
dont make this my issue
dont make this anyone else's issue
do I have a thing?
do I need a thing?
will I be a good teacher?
will I be a good mother?

I take it in waves
Die
it will be easy
just cut your wrists
you know where to get the pills
the drugs
the needles
drive off a bridge
jump off a bridge
they are well adjusted people
they wont miss you
they dont need you
you dont need you

I take it in waves  
I deserve this
I need this
happy is a good feeling
you are strong
you are smart
you are right
people do like you
God loves you
he loves you
they love you
they need you
you need you
dont give up
dont cop out
dont die
live

You see, I tried to tell him
about that night
"No" I say, "he didn't hurt me"
and no I didn't say no
but I said things like
"That's enough" and "I don't like that"
And yes at first I had wanted to
And no I wasn't so drunk I couldn't consent
But I turned my legs and offered something else
he didn't want that...
I faked it to make it stop because I didn't know what to else to say
I laughed about it with my friends because I was trying to get
another reaction.
I was trying to ask someone if it was ok...
I told my priest and he said I was asking for it
I told a pastor and she said "we all make mistakes"
I told him because I wanted to explain...why I didn't like that one thing...
I never told myself. Because I didn't want to hear what I had to say.
and that
that
is
the
problem

I was going to **** myself today, but my boyfriend called and he wanted to talk till we fell asleep

I was going to **** myself the next day, but I told my mom I'd come visit and I did

Then the next day came and I was going to **** myself but I went to church and they told me it was a sin

That Monday came around and I was going to **** myself, but the boy I nanny said "tie my shoes ana" and we made a plan to teach him how to tie his own shoes

I was going to **** myself after he learned to tie his shoes, but then he needed help with reading, and then maths

I was going to **** myself today, but I just realized the excuses I make are the reasons I don't.

There's magic
Between discomfort and perfection
That moment you have faked it
Perfect charismatic facade
Chatter
Feeling
Smiles
Questions
Jokes
Oh, the constant conversation
Parties
Church
School
Work
Family
Pretending in its purest from
There is a formula for people
And I have found it
Charming it's called
Hell it feels
And beautiful they say
I'm dying
I want to be alone
Don't touch me
Hugs feel like bad compliments in the dark
And talking for hours makes my face hurt
Oh, people
Why do we do this?
Social beings
Barely being social
That's my game
There's my Magic
It's a lie

beautiful sin
rusting whole
salty quench  
hasty grace
giving lies
classic birth
clearly symbolic
largely narrow  
friendly fire
wicked cool
stoopid smart
**** baby
classy *****

and other things that make more sense when you meet her

everyday
I reflect on what I
could have said
could have done
could have used
and everyday  
I realize that I will never stop learning
and I will never get it right
but the beautiful thing about that is
its ok.

If there is
ONE
thing I have learned
it is this
people have a good reason
for being how and who they are
and
the Best
and
the Worst
have no reason at all.

And in the end it is all the same
men are the same
women are the same
you are the exact same...
its boring
but its true
life in its stillness will never be gratifying
yet perpetual motion isn't that great either

1: "I'm sad."
2: "Well,why?"
1: "I'm not sure."
2: "Can I help?"
1: "You can listen."
2: "How do I fix it?"
1: "You can't."

2: "I'm sad."
1: " Well, why?"
2: "I can't fix it."
1: Can I help?"
2: "You can listen."
1: " I think I can fix it."
2:  "You can?"

1: "I'm fine.

It was the kind of heat that was so hot and sticky, you could taste the  air.

In Texas that means it tastes of *******, both kinds.

Its the kind of heat that makes you feel trapped in a room even when you are outside.

It was the kind of  heat that limits your ability to speak.

So wet and full.

It was a heat that made all kinds of clothing acceptable.

It was the kind of heat that made everyone equal.

No matter what, we all felt the heat.

It was the kind of heat that made you want to stand still.

It was the kind of heat that made people share water, then fight over shade.

It was the kind of heat that made someone understand the monologues at the beginning of old westerns, and indie movies about the south.

It was so **** hot.

But when we sit down and think about it
I'm really not sure
I have no idea in fact
I can't tell you why
No one else seems to know
And there aren't any distinct feelings about it
Its just there
My life that is

And on the days I can actually breath in without a sharp pain in my mind
I know that the reason I can is you
And I know that you might go away
But for the time being I love you
And that is enough for me

sleepy
sad
and sticky hands
oh yeah
smelling of burning
hot
warm
heady air in the
moonlight
dark night
heavy body
falling
catching
dizzy
happy
smart
stupid
aware of the fact that I must ***
stumbling down
giggle at the less serious
and sneers at the men
following
tripping
more and
sometimes water if someone is helping out
hugging
*******
goodnight
good night.

And I comes in waves
Crashes on my skin
Rips my ear drums
Aches my sides
Salt in my eyes

The Fear
The Pain
Why is it here?
Where did this come from?

You should be gone.