again...

a thought
pursued freedom

gone forever

from my mind

I wish you could know how much I regret who I became.
Not because I'm fazed by the good sides; it's for what I want:
I want to belong.
Not a very warm thing to say but, it's what's been missing. I think.
I wish I can drown what I should've.
I wish I can be someone's best friend.
I wish I had someone to openly talk about everything.
I wish I had the heart to say no.
I wish I had courage to tell everything I feel.
Not like this.
I wish I wasn't this ******* weak.
I wish I fought when I wasn't able to.
I wish I can stop hurting myself.
I wish someone was here for me.

And although there may be people like that,
I wish I'd feel they're here.

I wish I can be okay.
But I'm not.
And I've learned I never will be.
But knowing is different from accepting.

I dont want to continue to love people more than they love me.

How do people condition themselves to grow in inches instead of feet?

The sun doesn't stop shining just because there are people who hate the heat.

I can't seem to figure out the ones who prefer the shade.
Why can't it be as visible as those wearing sunglasses and covered in sunscreen so I know to just stay away?

Please someone,
Anyone out there,
Come to me and destroy me.

Reduce me to nothing more than
Glass turned to sand on the floor.
Pieces so tiny there is no chance of repair.

Force me to stop seeing light in blackened caves.
To stop searching for rainbows in the storm.
Make me stop believing in Angels
And realize there is nothing left here
But demons.

I need an eye opening heartbreak so deep that I stop believing fantasy
And start to see reality.

Bring me out of the clouds,
Away from my daydreams,
And make me into a hardened statue
Just like all the rest.

Stomp!
           Stomp!
                      Stomp!
On my rose colored glasses,
  Feeling the delightful crunch
    Between my shoe and the concrete
      As I twist my foot back and forth.

             I'm done with that style.
               I want to see the ugly.

I just want to be the remnants of who I used to be.
Turned dark and devilish,
The thing that goes bump in the night,
Because I'm so sick of being the fairy in the forest.
The dainty flower you're worried you'll step on.
*******.
I have thorns.
I have horns
And this demon is ready to play.

When I met you, I wasn't ready,
I've always been terrible with timing,
You were in a whole other world,
And my feet were still dangling,
I still had all these visions, endless opportunities,
You were so established,
You were so safe.
I wasn't looking for safe though,
It was the opposite.

I was so young,
I thought I'd never get hurt,
I always felt tall, and bullet proof,
And when I was brought down to the right size,
I just bounced back up and headed North to the sky,
At night you said you dreamed of me,
But I was just like the wind,
You felt me, but could never hold me,
Nobody has,
I took pride in belonging to nobody,
Not even myself,
I took the utter most fulfillment in the thought of being free,
Then you followed me,
Trying to tame me,
You never could understand my type,
You just can't make a bird stop wanting to fly,
On the ground I despised you,
In the air, I missed you,
and In my heart I always knew I loved you,
But this time is terrible for me.

~With trepidation I hand you my heart, and with wariness I meet
your gaze, and with guilt I show you my scars~

"i've been burned
before
cut and crushed
in the past
my heart
has stopped
over
and over
only to be
shocked
back to life.
"beaten
and bruised
battered
and worn
i am resilient
but god
i am tired.
"i long
to love
again
to feel
-something-
again
but god
i don't know
if i can"