Sometimes I like to think
That you just moved real far away
And that you got a job being a jeweler
At a different far away jewelry store
Because you hated working
For your father who never
Believed in you the right way
And that you just couldn’t drive
That silly old van hours to see us

And then I remember
I drive that van now
I have your guitars on your rack
In my room near the window
Eggay the cat is here
Not at your Fishtown Philadelphia house
I wear your ratty denim coat
To school to feel your embrace
When I cannot keep a smile on
I keep your bifocals locked up
In a display case with your
Memorial pamphlet
That says you were buried
On January twenty first
Of two thousand ten.

I do wonder on days like this
What you’ll say to me
When we see each other again
I wonder if your tears will be so real
Like they were when we had to leave
The vacation early because I ****** it up

I wish I could inhale your scent
Of cigarettes and beer and
Father

I wish I could remember what you sounded like
So crisp in my head
Yet the fear you caused absent in my nerves

I still remember every tattoo you had
Encompassing your whole body
In a beautiful mural
Like the ones we’d see
When you drove us from mother’s home
To yours

You had Julia in purple on your left shoulder
Overseeing the chinese dragon
That flew through the mountains and sunshine on your arm

Rayna’s name was inked underneath that same arm
And my name inked underneath the right
Mine sitting underneath another dragon
Sweeping through a thunderstorm

On your one leg was a blue diamond
A homage to your passion and your life
On the other was a daddy sea horse
With its two babies in tow

On your back was a few odd ones
Aliens smoking a joint in their ship
A heart made out of machinery
And knuckles punching someone’s teeth out

I remember being so proud
To have a daddy who was so
Unapologetically himself
Despite him being unapologetic
When he hurt people

And I am still proud to say
I am your daughter
Who is just as uniquely unapologetic
For who I am
As you were
Love you daddy

Michelle:
You’re my other half.
Telling me how good I was,
Probably saved me.

Brandon:
You are my escape.
When the world’s too hard today,
You make it all right.

Shannon:
I know you love me.
I just can’t hang out right now.
But I do love you.

Ryan:
If you only knew.
You were my world at one point.
Now I just miss you.

I hate how easily I can lose my morals,
When you ask me to.
I hate how you can make the world seem elegant and floral,
Even though I feel like I should still hate you.

Why is it that when you decide to kiss me,
I lose myself to this flower world you made in your arms?
But why is that world only there when you want it to be,
Without your world of petals reality does so much harm.

I am a repeat visitor to your universe of lilys and roses,
You have me hooked on you and you know it.
But what’s worse is what you do to my poor heart,
You’ve been a repeat offender to my love from the start.

-September 23rd-
I sit at your grave,
said, “Happy Birthday daddy.”
The leaves are stirring.

-Celebrating The New Year-
It’s Rosh Hashana,
And I’m sitting here alone.
I miss you daddy.

-October Day-
My sister’s birthday,
Julia is twenty-eight.
Five years without you.

I wake up in the morning and put on a pretty dress,
My goal is to stun, amaze, and impress.
I make it about halfway through school without fuss,
But around 5th period I’m written up because cleavage isn’t a must.

I’m getting punished for my own set of double D’s,
Because the men around me get erections from a passing breeze.
If kids in high school can’t control themselves,
Why should I be the one punished for my huge shelves?

Why are men not taught to respect women,
But I am told I look slutty once again?
You’d think boys would be more than their ***** by this time,
But as of now cleavage is still a crime.

Every time I try to let you go
You won’t let me and its as if you know
That I really don’t want to leave you
Whether or not what you say is true

How am I supposed to get away
When you’re on top of me kissing me to stay
How am I supposed to get over you
When we’re pressed together like glue

I want to be your best friend
But I think you’d just pretend
I don’t think you want me like I want you here
And that out of everything in the whole world is what I fear

Today is the first day of many that I missed school,
It is the second week into my senior year.
Today is one of many where I felt the world is just too cruel,
And telling my mom I had a migraine was the easiest thing for her to hear.

How am I supposed to tell my mother I failed myself again,
That the strength in my heart has an expiration date?
It is so ******* hard to put a smile on and pretend,
That I have myself together when all I can feel is hate.

I promised myself no boy could ever get to me,
But knowing you are sitting behind me makes me want to die.
And its amazing how self-centered you are that you can’t see,
That I no longer have the strength to try.

I promised myself I was going to break away from you,
But the only time you talk to me is when you need something from me.
And I feel like for some reason I owe you a rent that’s way overdue,
So I give in to you and I refuse myself the gift of being free.

If you are for some reason so interested in why I’ve changed,
It’s because I need my strength back and keeping you around will **** me.
I need to find myself again or I will truly become deranged,
So from now on I need to let you go and you need to let me be.

To my dearest mother I am sorry beyond words,
I know you need me to be strong for you too.
I need to be strong enough to fly against the wind like the birds,
I need to get my landing right and pull through.

But right now it is two o’clock on a Thursday,
And I have downed a little bit of the *** hidden in my closet.
It has numbed my face to the tears streaming down but I’m still thirsty,
The drops are making a sea on my bed and my face is a faucet.