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May 2019 · 118
Untitled 53
Marisa Lu Makil May 2019
I just want someone to care about me
As much as I care about them
Feeling really lonely today.
May 2019 · 113
Untitled 52
Marisa Lu Makil May 2019
I never understood it
This need
To draw blood
From your own wrists
Or to take a step
Off the cliff
Or let yourself
Slowly slip
Under the water
But now I see
I would do
**** near anything
To feel something other than this
I'm too cowardly to harm myself, but I've come a lot closer in the last month.
Marisa Lu Makil May 2019
Wrists bleeding
Heart leading
Mind screaming
Out for help

Eyes glazing
Brain blazing
Pain raising
Higher now

Hands shaking
Thoughts quaking
Voices making
Me insane

Temples banging
Cymbals clanging
Life hanging
By a thread

Stop breathing
Chest heaving
Mind leaving
Me to die
Having a bad day mentally.
May 2019 · 455
One Track Heart
Marisa Lu Makil May 2019
I know that leaving you was
For the best but God
Does it ache to be alone
My best friend of 20 years "broke up" with me. We've decided to not be best friends anymore. She has so many people to love her instead of me, but now I'm alone in this city, and I've never been like that in my life. I am afraid, and this hurts, and the only difference is that now I have no one to tell.
May 2019 · 108
Dear Depression and Anxiety
Marisa Lu Makil May 2019
Because of you I can't sit still in public
My hands are shaking
My body is rocking
Back
And forth

Because of you every compliment
Is seen as a lie
They can't be telling the truth

Because of you I am an expert
Overthinker
Every conversation
Every thought
Every word that comes
From my mouth
Does so incorrectly

Because of you even people
Who have never given me a reason to think
That they think lowly of me
Think so anyway

Because of you I harbor anger
For years
Because I don't want to inconvenience
Anyone by telling the truth
And for that
I can't keep friendships

Because of you I can never
Make it through a full week without
Sobbing
So much that it hurts
And my eyes are red day and night

Because of you
Not taking that step off a cliff
Makes me a coward
And I dare myself to do it every day

Because of you
I'm exhausted
Because getting through a day is so
****
Hard

Because of you
I can't do anything right

Because of you
I spend my days
Assuming that my boss
Is always looking for reasons to fire me

Because of you
I am too hot
Too cold
Too sore
This stress and pain makes me ache
Every moment is pain

Because of you
If I'm not faster
Better
Smarter than everyone else,
I am worth nothing
I am nothing

Because of you
I can never look anyone in the eyes
Like a dog, I submit by lowering
Mine too the ground

Because of you I am never happy
For my day begins, goes on, and ends with
Worry
And anxious tremors
Afraid of everything

Because of you, courage
Is something I will never have

Because of you
Everyone leaves

Because of you, it is taking me so
So
Long
To get better
But I will defeat you.
Because the one thing I am certain of
Is that I'm competitive
And I'm going to win
It's only a matter of time
Wear your war paint. Today-today we're going to beat it.
May 2019 · 112
Wandering Thoughts
Marisa Lu Makil May 2019
Why







Wasn't
°
°
°
°
°
°
°
I







Enough?
Apr 2019 · 139
Time Between Us
Marisa Lu Makil Apr 2019
I thought that maybe just this once
Everything would change
I thought that somehow my heart could
Begin to beat again
But here we are, my heart is torn
And I am on the ground
Asking for a helping hand to
Show me up from down
But you in all your pridefulness
Can't seem to bend down low
And break a nail or ***** hands
You can't tell friend from foe
So call me when your mind again
Is back to sanity
Goodbye, old friend, here's to the end
***** all your vanity
Apr 2019 · 326
Going, Going, Gone
Marisa Lu Makil Apr 2019
I lost someone that day
In the hail and lightning
And the chaos
A piece of me chipped away with
Every
          Drop
                     Of
                              Rain
That hit my skin
And I don't know who I am anymore
Apr 2019 · 349
Shifting Blame
Marisa Lu Makil Apr 2019
Release the idea
That everything is your fault
You
Oh starling
Do not have that power
Apr 2019 · 428
Spread Your Wings
Marisa Lu Makil Apr 2019
It's okay to be
Broken
Lonely
Insane
And fantastical
Just keep slaying your dragons
Be whoever you want to be, it's okay to ***** up, and hurt, it's okay to be broken, but whatever you do, protect your heart from the monsters, and never let them convince you that they didn't hurt you when they did.
Apr 2019 · 163
Keep On Keeping On
Marisa Lu Makil Apr 2019
I know it hurts
I know it's deep
And dark
And I know it's all you can do
To not drag that blade
Across your wrists
Or take a step
Off that Cliff
But just
Just hold on
One more time
One more sunset
One more horrible day
One last effort
Because
It's
It's about to get so so good
There is a point to your pain
Just
Keep hold
Please
You're so close
And
I swear
Soon you're going to look back
And be so glad that you held on
Even when you thought all you had
Every ounce of strength
Was gone
You're so close
I know it's hard and it hurts, I know-trust me. I can feel it to. My ****** fingers are slipping, too and I know it ***** and no one understands, but I promise, you're so so close. Think of every happy ending you've ever read twice. You know that it gets so bad before it gets good. It's going to hurt a lot, it's going to feel like thunder in your soul, and lightning in your heart. I know it feels like a ton of bricks is on your chest, and it's getting harder to breathe, but you are so close. It's going to get so good really soon. Just... Hold on a little while longer.
Mar 2019 · 201
A long Journey
Marisa Lu Makil Mar 2019
Just know oh faint of heart
Though you are not at home
We all carry our sin
But carry not alone.
Oft times we seem to stumble
And the earth seems to shake
Our hearts are torn asunder
Our balance seems to quake
But when at break of day
When all of sin and shame
Has hung upon the cross
And you have entered thus
There will be no need
For sun or light of day
The man upon the cross
Will always light our way
Henceforth tell your tale
And tell what you have seen
My Lord and God take me
For I come unto Thee
A play off of the last part of pilgrim's progress part 2. I think today is going to be a good day.

"Now while he was this in discourse, his countenance changed, the strong man bowed under him, and after he had said, "Take me, for I come unto Thee"
Mar 2019 · 148
Something old
Marisa Lu Makil Mar 2019
Maybe
Maybe realizing
That you're not ready
Is exactly what it takes
For God to decide
That you are
I can't wait to find the one for whom my soul was made. ❤️
Mar 2019 · 1.0k
Suddenly-Slowly
Marisa Lu Makil Mar 2019
It was here before I knew it
For some reason
The rain clouds parted
For the first time
In 8 years
And soon
The sun
Was out
The skies
Were blue
The music
Was loud
The air
Was warm
And I was smiling
For real
I was at dinner
With an acquaintance
And I wasn't nervous
I wasn't nauseous
I wasn't
Afraid
And as I drove home
I gazed at the stars
And realized
I was happy
Really happy
No fake smiles
No masks
Happy
I had forgotten what that feels like
I can see
Clearly now
That things...
*Everything is going to be okay
I am officially medicated for my depression, and I had my first counseling appointment on Monday. It still feels...wrong... different. I forgot what it's like to be happy. It still feels temporary, but I just...I'm happy and I know it won't last forever, but I feel warm in my soul. I want to read and write and go on adventures and hike and I don't know how long this feeling will last, but it feels...like safety.
Mar 2019 · 162
20-something
Marisa Lu Makil Mar 2019
I sob for the little things
When somebody yells at me
When I just got in a fight with a dear friend
But when something touches my very soul
Reaches inside of me
And pulls my heart out
For all the world to see
Silent tears
Slip their way
Down my cheeks
And gather
In the crevices
Of my consciousness
Marisa Lu Makil Mar 2019
I suppose your
Winter romance
With warm hugs
And long dinners
I guess it just
Wasn't meant to be
Mar 2019 · 114
Untitled 51
Marisa Lu Makil Mar 2019
Why isn't it okay that I'm afraid?
Finding new health issues that I have, and I feel 100% uncomfortable talking about it, and people keep saying "overcome your fear" and "You can't stop being afraid if you don't talk about it" I just want it to be okay for me to stay afraid.
Mar 2019 · 198
Sunday
Marisa Lu Makil Mar 2019
I live for
Sweet Sundays
With Misty warmth
And hot tea
And sunshine
And birds singing outside my window
For soft music
And breakfast food
And long dresses
And the Lord in my heart
I started an anti depressant yesterday. Full effect will be a month.
Feb 2019 · 150
Broken Wings
Marisa Lu Makil Feb 2019
He said he'd
Never noticed
How beautiful
My eyes were
When filled with tears.
Feb 2019 · 209
Co•ur•a•ge
Marisa Lu Makil Feb 2019
//CUR-a-j//

Noun:

1. You are a brave mountain, a standing tower in a whirlwind. You are a small boy facing a giant, a yellow brilliance in the face of destruction.

2. You scream holy fearlessness at the abyss.

3. You have been to the eternal edge and stood in it's inky, anger. You have faced a deep and wicked disaster, and it has faced you. You have seen the bitter eternity and preached light to it's fury.
Trying another one. I am really truly afraid of someone I know. I shake when he's around. He truly terrifies me. "Courage is a small coal that you swallow."
Feb 2019 · 216
Herself
Marisa Lu Makil Feb 2019
Oh ancient beautiful soul
Made of lavender and sunsets
You are nothing less than Majesty
Feb 2019 · 1.6k
U•ni•verse
Marisa Lu Makil Feb 2019
//yoo-ni-verss//
Noun:

I. You are a wonder wrapped in a miracle. Every ebony gasp breeds holiness. Every tincture of time that you hold bursts into purple midnights. Every bright escape another release of your cosmic breath.

II. You rule with satin clouds and shining rain. Your every movement shakes time.

III. You know your greatest magic and will forever prove it to those who rest beneath your raven sky. You are power and grace entwined, you hold on your hands an eternity, and you fully know it's wretched destiny.
I'm trying one of these definition poem thingies. How'd I do?
Feb 2019 · 255
A Storm of the Mind
Marisa Lu Makil Feb 2019
I was drowning
I was screaming for help
Every breath
Was a burden
And you
You pushed my head under
The waves
Lonely on Valentine's day
Feb 2019 · 145
Remember remember
Marisa Lu Makil Feb 2019
I wonder if you ever think about
How much you broke my heart
When you set me on fire
And left me to burn
Tyler Thatcher it's been 5 years
And it still hurts
Feb 2019 · 353
Destiny
Marisa Lu Makil Feb 2019
Maybe we were all meant
To be lonely stars
Feb 2019 · 234
Lonely lovely
Marisa Lu Makil Feb 2019
Sometimes
I'm in a group of people, and
We're laughing and talking
And I feel lonely
So I wander off
To see if anyone
Will
Miss me
No one ever does
I don't know why I keep doing this to myself because it always makes me cry.
Jan 2019 · 241
A Thousand Years
Marisa Lu Makil Jan 2019
The truth is
You've treated me wrong
For a long time
I just didn't see it
But now that I'm standing up for myself
And it's pushing you out of my life
And it hurts
So
Badly
It hurts so much to push you away. I've known you my whole life and until today, I never even realized how much you hurt me. I've seen evidence of it right in front of me a thousand times over, I just didn't want to believe it. But I need to take care of myself now. After 20 years, I'm just seeing that, and I can't believe I never saw it before; you don't really love me. You love what I can do for you.
Jan 2019 · 629
Inhale, Exhale
Marisa Lu Makil Jan 2019
There's no pattern
It's just that sometimes
My heart feels heavy
And I feel broken
And my voice wavers
And I can't breathe anymore
The sun will rise and we will try again
Jan 2019 · 192
Hard Truth
Marisa Lu Makil Jan 2019
The only think I look forward too anymore
Is the dark abyss of sleep
Jan 2019 · 124
Identity Crisis
Marisa Lu Makil Jan 2019
I am broken
I am lost
And I am alone
Jan 2019 · 129
Untitled 50
Marisa Lu Makil Jan 2019
May our eyes never become so clouded by the world that we can no longer see the beauty of creation
Jan 2019 · 328
Questions Unanswered
Marisa Lu Makil Jan 2019
And the sad thing is
I would have jumped off that cliff
Even if you had not.
Dec 2018 · 134
Skin deep
Marisa Lu Makil Dec 2018
If there is one thing
That I have learned
From my lack of health
It is that
I am more than my illness
I am more than my headaches
Or the room spinning around me
More than my unsteady steps
And crippling anxiety
I am more than all the noise
That echoes in my ears
And I am more than all the pain
I've felt for all these years
I am more than aching backs
And needles in my feet
I am more than dizziness
And more than lack of sleep
I am more than lights to bright
They hurt my eyes and head
I am more than wakefullness
When I go to bed
I am more than doctors
And medicines and pain
I am still someone inside
There's more that I contain
Dec 2018 · 213
Afterlife
Marisa Lu Makil Dec 2018
I want to be at peace one day
On the sea to sail away
The sunset marking end of day
I want to be at peace
Dec 2018 · 102
Normal
Marisa Lu Makil Dec 2018
I wonder what it's like
To be normal
To walk down the street
And.not wonder if everyone
Is looking at you
To get up in the morning
And want to start your day
I wonder what it feels like
Not to wonder
If they're all talking about you
I wonder how it feels
To not feel
This crushing fear
That something
Is going to happen
And to not feel
That with every breath
You are going to suffocate
What would happen
If I were not afraid
Of every sentient thing
And to not hate
Every sun that rises
Because it means
I have to start again
I wonder what it's like
To live
Instead of continuing to die
Day after day
Lately it feels like I am suffocating with every breath, and like every step that I take is leading somewhere I don't want to go. It's like a never-ending death and I fear everything, and I don't know how to stop. I fear people, but I fear being alone I fear publicity, but I fear being ignored. And what I fear most is this sense that everything is wrong. So wrong. And I can't...I can't fix it for the life of me. I feel like every part of me is exploding all at once and I just want to be with someone who makes me feel safe.
Dec 2018 · 182
Life like
Marisa Lu Makil Dec 2018
I haven't been "okay" in a very long time.
Dec 2018 · 109
Untitled 49
Marisa Lu Makil Dec 2018
If only
There were a painkiller
For heartbreak
Dec 2018 · 151
Solitude
Marisa Lu Makil Dec 2018
And it is in the quiet moments
When I feel the most alone
And a throbbing in my heart
Begs me to go home
Feeling very aone this week.
Nov 2018 · 1.4k
Apologize
Marisa Lu Makil Nov 2018
Sometimes apologies aren't about
Who's really at fault
Sometimes it's just about fixing relationships
Sometimes you just need to apologize even if it's not your fault, because the relationship is often more important than the argument.
Nov 2018 · 352
Suffer
Marisa Lu Makil Nov 2018
I wish I could record for you
The noise inside my head
The screaming and the voices
Of the words I've never said
But when my finger hits record,
The red dot starts to flash
And all I hear is silence
When I try to play it back
I struggle with tinnitus, and a lot of the time, I dont even notice it is there. It is only when I think I finally get some blessed silence that I realize how loud it really is. It is high-pitched and low-pitched at the same time. It's like a constant ringing in my ears, I don't know how else to describe it but this: I don't remember the last time it was silent in my head. I don't know quiet anymore.
Oct 2018 · 138
Two In One
Marisa Lu Makil Oct 2018
I am a psychopath
Born of hatred
And loneliness
I am bred of sadness
Soaked in anxiety
Wrapped in a deep sadness
That no one knows
I am broken
Never to be whole

But I am on a high
Of gladness
A sweet glory inside
That answers to the call
Of a great survivor
And savior
It beckons me to a warm embrace
Whispering comfort
And smothering me in love

But then
I am alone
And lost on my own
And this frigid cold
Embraces my every action
I can't think
Can't speak
Can't feel
And God
What I would give
Just to feel something
That is not
This
This fragile existiance
That never seems to let me go
I am falling
Falling
Falling in the dark
And ******
I don't know if I will ever
Stop
Falling.
Oct 2018 · 130
The truth is
Marisa Lu Makil Oct 2018
It's dead in my soul
Deep beneath my skin
No longer beating
Breathing
Only spasming
From time to time

I don't want to cry anymore
I don't want to hurt you
I don't want attention
I want to scream
At the top of my lungs
Until my voice runs away
Until my vocal cords snap

I don't want to be a part of something
I want to tear myself apart

I may not want to die
But I don't want to live
Oct 2018 · 107
Soul Searching
Marisa Lu Makil Oct 2018
Would anyone notice
If I just faded away?
Oct 2018 · 105
Reality
Marisa Lu Makil Oct 2018
I am always the one who
Loves more
Tried harder
Falls deeper
I have so much love to give
But no one wants it.
Oct 2018 · 190
Untitled 48 {haiku}
Marisa Lu Makil Oct 2018
One thing I promise
Something echoing in me:
Things WILL get better
Sep 2018 · 424
Ghosts of the Past
Marisa Lu Makil Sep 2018
I want to write a poem
But I cannot find the words
They're stuck in my throat
Caught in my mind
Tangled in my soul
How do I say that I am alone
So alone
Even though I'm surrounded
By voices
Excited
And vibrating with energy
How do I explain
In soft, genuine letters
That my soul is torn apart
Riven in two
Broken
Not my heart, my soul
It hurts to breathe
Because it's all in my chest
Building up
Like tears
Breaking in waves across my cheeks
How can I express
That the pain
Hidden in my smiles
Is so wrenching
And horrible
And lonely
That I can't take it
I miss someone
So much
But
******
I don't know who I miss
Sep 2018 · 332
Untitled 47
Marisa Lu Makil Sep 2018
And she looked in the mirror
And whispered
"I don't know you"
Sep 2018 · 410
Sinking
Marisa Lu Makil Sep 2018
You can only bow down
If you are first brought down to your knees
God sends us trials so that in our sorrow and despair, we might reach up to Him, and remember His mercy and grace.
Sep 2018 · 704
Final Words
Marisa Lu Makil Sep 2018
It came like mist
On water at night
Slowly
But powerfully
I didn't even know
It was there at first
Until it turned my heart
From the beating read
To the dead black
I left all familiarity
For hopes of something better
Little did I know
I was leaving paradise
For its nemesis
I rolled my life away
Like dice
Until nothing was left
Save that charcoal heart
And a feeling of defeat
In my mind
I had fallen
Into a pit
Of destruction
And slick as the walls were
I could not get out
I shouted to passersby
And cried out for anyone
Anything
That would save me
From this shadow
Yet none
Would turn aside
I wallowed long
In my own thoughts
And searched for another way
If only I could find a foothold
I could climb out on my own
For days
I attempted escape
Only to fall again and again
Until I was so broken
I could try no more
And it was there
Deeply submerged
In darkness
And despair
That my soul sang
An old song
Like a prayer answered
In my misery
And inability
I saw a man
Glowing
And more radient than any
Sunset
Climb down to join me
Taking my hand,
He helped me to my feet and suggested
That I make use
Of His shoulders
Standing then, upon them,
I found myself able
To reach the top
Looking back
Unto my Savior,
There was now no way for
Him to climb out
"Good sir, how, now do you make your escape?"
He spoke softly
"My job is done, it is finished,
Pass on now to freedom,
Go now back home
Not my best work, but an extended version of a poem I wrote last month ish. (Prodigal)
Sep 2018 · 292
All Alone
Marisa Lu Makil Sep 2018
You walk with your friends
Talk with your friends
Laugh with them
Hug on your friends
But here I am
Alone
Because no one
Wants to be with the sad girl
The messed up girl
Who can't park straight
And never says what's wrong
Because the truth is I don't know
No one wants to sit with the emotions
Of my mind
Telling me over
And over
That people are mad with me
And I'm a ***** up
And it's so loud
In my head
That I can't even hear
The movie we're watching
So just leave me be
"'*** I'm trying to see
What that actress is doing on the screen"
Move over
You're too clingy
But all I really want is
A way out
A way out of this ******* up mess
That has become my life
And if that means
A gun to my head
A knife on my wrist
Or pills down my throat
Then that's what it will be
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