Marisa Lu Makil

Marisa Lu Makil Mar 16

Shaking

I'm shaking again
The words in my head follow down through my skin
My head starts to spin
I'm haunted by things I don't want to let in

I hate to remember
I hate thinking back on what burns me like embers
I can't even speak
I can't make my lips tell others why I'm weak

The words won't come out
Trapped beneath skin where they echo and shout
The tears broke me through
They run hot and steady, leave shame in their lieu

My breathing is heavy
Thinking of past things makes my heart unsteady
I'm going to die
And I'll pass on while still not knowing why

They're just words to say
But more- they course through me insistent to stay
Someone hold me
But don't touch me please, I'm afraid you will see

Please squeeze me tightly
Remind me that nightmares are not only nightly
But stay far away
Don't take a step closer or I'll break again

I'm torn between thoughts
Remem'bring what happened and what did not
So help me, I'm screaming
Somebody tell me that I'm only dreaming

And please take my life
I already live on the edge of a knife
And when I am gone
Perhaps after death I can fin'lly move on.

My hands shake, so does my heart. I can see in my head pictures of what happened like I watched it happen to myself. Everything goes foggy and muffled, there is nothing but me and the frightful memories. I hate that so many things remind me of what happened. I hate that I can't even say the name of what happened. Tears come, burning in my eyes along with the pain and shame. I start to hyperventilate, then wonder if I'm going to die from feeling all of this, wonder if maybe that wouldn't be so bad. I want to be held, but I don't want anyone to touch me. The thought of someone's hands on my skin makes me nauseous. I know what could have happened, but I also know what SHOULD have happened, and more than that I know what DID happen. And oh my soul, why can't I think of it or speak of it without trembling? For anyone who is reading this, does that ever go away? I want to shed the chains of what happened, I want to claim the words that have such control over me right now, and most of all I want to forget. I want to forget everything. My gosh I want to forget everything that ever happened.

Marisa Lu Makil Mar 6

Even Tide

I don't believe we come from the ocean
But I do believe that there is a reason
We are so made up of water
And I believe that the same Person who made the tides
Put the same things in our veins
Our hearts long for the ocean
Because it is inside of us
And it longs to return to its home.

Some famous author said that we come from the ocean. I don't believe that's true, but I do believe that there's a reason why we are so drawn to the tide - a reason why we have such a fascination with stories of pirates and vikings. It's because they have lived the lives that something inside us aches to live. A life where all water returns to its source.

Marisa Lu Makil Jan 31

13124

Tuck yourself in with your blanket of tears
Pull it tight around you until you fall asleep
Finding comfort in dreams
And when you awake, wrap yourself closer still
And remember that flowers grow where they're planted
And nothing can survive without water.

Marisa Lu Makil Dec 2023

Blood, Sweat, and Tears

Kiss my mind and not my skin
Strip me slowly of the walls I've built
Take my hands
And push me up against the walls
Of my soul
And learn every inch
Of who I really am
Until you know me as intimately
As does the darkness
That surrounds me
And the resonance of your being
Drips from my mouth
Like pleas for mercy

Thought I'd try a different kind of poem. Inspired by a random picture I saw on pinterest.

#blood #sweat #tears #kiss #love #soul #please #mind #skin #bare

Marisa Lu Makil Nov 2023

Red Herring

And in my darkest moments
And most desperate
I wish you had gone farther
So that the scars I bear
Might be visible
And I could convince myself
That I have the right
To be broken.

I had a strange dream last night. I woke up wishing for this. Then I just thought about how insanely messed up I am. Who wishes for deeper wounds to validate what happened to them? It's hard sometimes being trapped in my own mind, and I think I'm getting bad again.

Marisa Lu Makil Nov 2023

Enough is Enough

How can I put it into words?
How can I tell you how I feel ripped and folded at the same time
In a way that hasn't already been said?
Words don't escape me
They lay before me
Already formed into every combination
Stolen and used up
By someone else who's hurting
Until all that's left to say
Are words I've already said:
I'm just really really lonely

I don't even really know what I want to say anymore, but I want to say *something* . I want to tell someone, but I don't know how to say it when it's already been said a thousand different ways.

Marisa Lu Makil Nov 2023

School Day

I'm still learning
To talk about what happened
I'm still learning
That I went through a trauma
I'm still learning
That it wasn't my fault
I'm still learning
That I couldn't have done anything
I'm still learning
To admit that I'm still broken
I'm still learning
That it's okay to say it out loud
I'm still learning
That it wasn't handled right
I'm still learning
That it still affects me 13 years later
I'm still learning
That even though they told me I couldn't tell anyone, it's okay for me to tell the people I trust, or whoever the hell I want
I'm still learning
That I'm strong and brave and loved
I'm still learning
That I am not damaged goods
Just because I'm still learning
How to be a person again

I won't say that I already know these things or even that I'm fully convinced. But I will admit that I'm still learning, and that's okay.

#trauma #abuse #hurt #past #imstilllearning #strong #brave #loved #voice