Marisa Lu Makil

Marisa Lu Makil Oct 2023

I finally opened up
After all your prying
And you still didn't understand
How hard that was for me to do.

When you've been through trauma especially at the hands of someone close to you, you find that your trust is broken and hard to reassemble for anyone. And when you finally get the courage to speak, all you want to do is tell them how hard it was for you to say.

Marisa Lu Makil Oct 2023

Wholly

You may be beaten
But you can still heal
Your hands may hurt
But you can still provide relief
Your skin may be bruised
But you can still soothe others
You aren't weak just because you're broken
You can still make others whole.
You aren't limited by your own shattered flesh.

I'm still learning that even though I'm not doing well, I can still support the ones I love. You can still be a physician even with a broken leg.

#help #hope #sad #broken #whole #wholly #heal #healed #shattered #hurt

Marisa Lu Makil Oct 2023

Two Halves

I'm constantly torn between
"Don't be rude" and
"Don't let them push you around"

Opinions? I'm struggling with this today. People keep telling me that I shouldn't let anyone push me into something that makes me uncomfortable, but the other part of me is telling me not to be rude and just to deal with it. There are too many details to write them all here, but shouldn't it be okay for me to stand up for myself?

Marisa Lu Makil Oct 2023

Today I Was Good To Myself

Today I was good to myself
I woke up and went right back to sleep
Even though I'd already slept 8 hours.
Then I did it again
And I got 11 hours of sleep

Today I was good to myself
I got up and made a yummy breakfast
I didn't worry about making my bed
Not right away
I just ate bacon and drank a smoothie

Today I was good to myself
I made 3 cups of my favorite hot tea
And I put fresh local honey in it
And a bit of lemon juice
And I let myself feel it
Travel down my chest
And into my belly
Hot and soothing

Today I was good to myself
I spent an hour and a half in my bible
Highlighting
And Journaling
And admiring the beautiful words

Today I took care of myself
I kept all the lights off except one
I paid my overdue bills
And I talked to my plants
And read a book
And I watched scifi
It's my favorite

Today I was good to myself
I didn't let myself worry
About money
Or work
Or church
Or anything else
I just let myself be at peace
I didn't even get dressed

Today I was good to myself
I took a hot bath
I put Epsom salt bubbles in it
And Eucalyptus bath salt
And I soaked away all the stress of the last couple months

Today I was good to myself
I wasn't productive
Not really
I let myself rest
Today I didn't do anything
But I did the important thing
And I was good to myself

I have such a hard time letting myself relax and not be productive, and it's so true that if you don't give yourself a break sometimes, your body will force you to take one. I caught up on rest after having been awake for 23 hours straight on Saturday. And now I'm laying across the foot of my bed with soft music playing, and a book on one side, my tea on the other. I'll call my mom at 8 and then I'll go back to bed. Today I was good to myself.

Marisa Lu Makil Oct 2023

Navigation Processor

My eyes hurt
I'm bone weary
Sore in many places
And too weak and exhausted to even cry
And I'm driving home
In the gray twilight
And all I wish
Is that I were going home
To crawl into the arms of someone
Soft
And warm
Who would cradle me until I fall asleep
And hold me until I wake

Feeling really lonely tonight. But it's fine. I'm just tired.

Marisa Lu Makil Sep 2023

Distant Relations

I'm afraid to ask my mom
If my grandma still hates me
Partly because I'm afraid of the answer
But mostly because
I don't want to force my mom to say
What I know is the truth.
"Yes".

About 11 years ago on Thanksgiving, my grandmother told my mom and her brothers that she dislikes me. She gave no reason. I don't know that she has one. Most of the time I can be okay with it. I don't see her very often outside of holidays, but days like this come when she says or does something hurtful and I have a hard time recovering from the fact that my own grandma doesn't love me. Sometimes I think she's trying to make amends, but something always happens to prove me wrong.

Marisa Lu Makil Aug 2023

Identity Theft

They say you should talk
Talk to someone
But how do I say it?
How do I say that I don't know
Who I am anymore?
How do I say that I'm a hundred different people
And no one
All at once?
How do I tell them
That from one day to the next
I'm a mess and tangle
Of a hundred voices
A thousand personalities
And a million faces
And I don't know
Which one of them is really me?
How do I open my mouth
And let the words come out
Tell them that I'm not who they think I am
That I'm not who I think I am
How do I say
That I look in the mirror
And ask the girl staring back at me
Who she is
But she never answers
She doesn't know
Doesn’t know who she is
She's been lost
Such a long time
And can't manage
To feel her way back through the darkness
She's lost who she was
And doesn’t know anymore
Doesn't even know what her name is
She lives with a wardrobe strapped to her back
Costumes and masks spilling from it
Like a jack-in-the-box
A new face for everyone she knows
And not a one of them is her
How do I tell them that I don't even know
What my favorite things are
Because I pretend
And act
And lie
And it's been going on so long that I don't know
I don't know anymore
I don't know anything
How the hell do I tell anyone that?

The more I learn about myself, the more I hate who I am.