how many foreigners do you have to let travel across your body
to feel the way you did before he broke you
darling they don't fit inside the holes he left
you know better than to believe this is how you forget
burn the bed sheets he laid on, the only place he ever wanted you
shred apart all of the memories until the pieces are too minuscule for your mind to replay
learn to breathe without his hand in yours
and he will feel it, when your heart stops wanting him
silently remind him you are the best thing he ever lost

She couldn't decide who she wanted to be,
so she was everyone.

She couldn't decide what she wanted to do,
so she did everything.

This
was better than being no one;

This
was better than doing nothing,

as many are, and many do...

She
was not them.

She
was different.

and I don’t mean to get so far ahead of myself, because there is so much time for things to fade away rather than fall together
and I have worked so hard to learn to protect my fragile heart
but maybe it’s in the way I thought he was so perfect, so pure
I see you dancing with the devil
but I swear you’re the light for me
and maybe it isn’t so much in the the way someone pretends to be but in the the thoughts they never speak
eyes wide open at 3 am and the music you played on our way home
unravelling you makes my head spin and he’d only say he loved me in the dark

they say that love either means everything or nothing at all
and I was never one for in-betweens
but when I wished to stop needing you so badly my bones cracked when I felt you pulling away
I never meant to stop feeling altogether

I used to trace words against your skin
invisible ink pouring from my fingertips
drunk on the idea of you
as if you were ever more than a troubled boy
making messes of all your past lovers
I’m five months sober and your eyes aren’t my weakness anymore

I am not for everyone and that is okay
but how dare you see a fraction of me and mistake it for the whole
I am not a few raindrops I am a hurricane
a meteorite blinding your eyes- illuminating through the empty night
I am volcanoes aching to erupt & a mystery you could spend the rest of your hours wanting to unravel
black coffee at 5 am, a bittneress you'll get addicted to
I belong to myself- no one's baby and my own hand to hold
the storm inside me will always drown out your whispers
and you will keep searching for the reason why I'm unscathed
your judgement is clouded and I was never one for explanations

so if I was just another body to touch to make you feel less alone
another heart to distract you from your ruins
If I was just another nonchalant goodbye
& girl who loved you more
I can be on my way knowing we were never what I thought
but if your face grew warm when I walked into a room
if I made you want to play with fire
if my kiss burnt your skin and you are still cleaning the wounds
I'll understand why I keep letting strangers feel my lips-
closing my eyes and pretending they are you
I'll know why I still have bruises the shape of your mouth
in places no one sees
even though you haven't touched me in five months
when you swore you'd never meet a girl like me again
I hope you knew you were right