the women of the past keep
phoning.
there was another yesterday
arrived from out of
state.
she wanted to see
me.
I told her
"no."

I don't want to see
them,
I won't see them.
it would be
awkward
gruesome and
useless.

I know some people who can
watch the same movie
more than
once.

not me.
once I know the
plot
once I know the
ending
whether it's happy or
unhappy or
just plain
dumb,
then

for me
that movie is
finished
forever
and that's why
I refuse
to let
any of my
old movies play
over and over again
for
years.

ignore all possible concepts and possibilities ---
ignore Beethoven, the spider, the damnation of Faust ---
just make it, babe, make it:
a house  a car   a belly full of beans
pay your taxes
****
and if you can't ****
copulate.
make money but don't work too
hard --- make somebody else pay to
make it --- and
don't smoke too much but drink enough to
relax, and
stay off the streets
wipe your *** real good
use a lot of toilet paper
it's bad manners to let people know you **** or
could smell like it
if you weren't
careful

it's the same as before
or the other time
or the time before that.
here's a ****
and here's a ****
and here's trouble.

only each time
you think
well now I've learned:
I'll let her do that
and I'll do this,
I no longer want it all,
just some comfort
and some ***
and only a minor
love.

now I'm waiting again
and the years run thin.
I have my radio
and the kitchen walls
are yellow.
I keep dumping bottles
and listening
for footsteps.

I hope that death contains
less than this.

the lady has me temporarily off the bottle
and now the pecker stands up
better.
however, things change overnight--
instead of listening to Shostakovich and
Mozart through a smeared haze of smoke
the nights change, new
complexities:
we drive to Baskin-Robbins,
31 flavors:
Rocky Road, Bubble Gum, Apricot Ice, Strawberry
Cheesecake, Chocolate Mint...

we park outside and look at icecream
people
a very healthy and satisfied people,
nary a potential suicide in sight
(they probably even vote)
and I tell her
"what if the boys saw me go in there? suppose they
find out I'm going in for a walnut peach sundae?"
"come on, chicken," she laughs and we go in
and stand with the icecream people.
none of them are cursing or threatening
the clerks.
there seem to be no hangovers or
grievances.
I am alarmed at the placid and calm wave
that flows about. I feel like a ***** in a
beauty contest. we finally get our sundaes and
sit in the car and eat them.

I must admit they are quite good. a curious new
world. (all my friends tell me I am looking
better. "you're looking good, man, we thought you
were going to die there for a while...")
--those 4,500 dark nights, the jails, the
hospitals...

and later that night
there is use for the pecker, use for
love, and it is glorious,
long and true,
and afterwards we speak of easy things;
our heads by the open window with the moonlight
looking through, we sleep in each other's
arms.

the icecream people make me feel good,
inside and out.

I need to stop collecting kisses from paper mâché hearts
I need to stop my constant fleeing before it even starts
I need to pull up my socks; I need to hide my pride
I need to find your reckless arms before I die inside

Behind all of the glamour
Hidden by the glitz
Under all the spray on tans
And distracted by the ****

Lies a Vegas like no other
Not the one you wish to see
The other side of Vegas
Has a cost, it isn't free

A parade of homeless people
Far off strip are daily seen
Heading for a bed and meal
Away from where the grass is green

The locals all accept it
It's a darker part of town
Where there's fewer painted smiles
On this Las Vegas clown

Every other building
Is boarded up or framed
In steel bar covered windows
With no winners at the game

The goal of all the walkers
Is to get to the next day
They can't afford to leave here
They can't afford to stay

Each walkway full of hawkers
Selling water for a buck
Passed out drunks all sleeping
Hoping you will toss a buck

Some saints and many sinners
Came to find the life they lead
Is not the one they looked for
When they came here to fill their greed

Don't look behind the curtain
You will not like what you will find
The darker side of Vegas
Is not one that's in your mind

A parade of desperate people
Walk the streets each night alone
Past the empty buildings
Pass the bail bonds, guns and loans

To truly see Las Vegas
You have to venture off the strip
Into a world of darkness
And in truth, it's a short trip

Behind the glitz and glamour
Away from where the tourists go
Is the dark side of Las Vegas
That only few will ever know

They say your eyes remain the same size
as they are the second that you were born.
It's a shame that we can't see immediately
the world for what it truly is.
It's a shame that we can't see the pain
of being different, of poverty, of hunger.
Of being gay, or being yourself.
It's a shame these eyes we live with all our lives,
can't see these things that could save us
from years of pain.
They say every cloud has a silver lining.
Funny, I still can't see it.