I’m trying to convince my friends that I don’t like you anymore and that I only think of you as a brother.
But am I trying to convince them or myself?
I close my eyes and see your ridiculous smile
I see you in the faces of my school mates
I see you everywhere
My heart aches every time I think of you
Is this love?
Probably not
Love don’t exist
I see the proof is my friends heartbreak and my parents fights
But how do you manage to make me feel like this
Get out of my head you’re driving me crazy
Stop it
You’re torturing my brain
This is an endless torture
You’re a personal devil sent straight from the fires of hell to torture me
To make my heart crumble as I listen to you talking about another girl
Feel my heart break into a million pieces and crumble into ashes as I see you with another girl
This is against everything that I stand for
I refuse to let this get to me
I will be immune to you
I will be immune to everyone else
I will be heartless

(s.a.)

What do you regret most in life ?*
The moments I regret the most were you
The moments I shared with you
The moments I wasted on you
The moments I thought about you
The moments I cared about you
The moments I regret the most
Was any moment that has do with
You
Including every poem
I made about you,
Because you were
The only thing that
Motivated me
I regret it the most
…
All of it

Poetry has become my self harm,
I only write at my lows...
Instead of blood I see words,
Instead of a blade I have a keyboard...

I want to write about...
The wind dancing with the sea...
Or...
The way you smile and it lights up your innocent face...

I don't want poetry to be my self harm,
Because poetry is beautiful...
An art...
Not.
Just.
Blood.
And.
Scars.

do you ever wonder
about the difference between
looking at something
and the hallucination created
when looking past it?
if you look at your hand
it's all you can see
but if you look past your hand
there are now two of them
sometimes it's hard for me
to remember which is real
it gets me thinking
about how my father
used to wake me up
in the morning by rubbing
his stubble across my face
i spent my 11th birthday
under the assumption
that he might come back
if i drank his aftershave
like maybe if i could turn blue
if i could be his favorite color
on our bathroom floor
he would forget why he left
the paramedics were all sobing
as they pumped memories
out of my stomach
i coughed up the day the post-it note with your new address on it
burned a hole in our refrigerator
coughed up the day
the divorce papers came
and my mother
took a baseball bat to the mailbox
i've been choking on the splinters
for 17 years
it's been 17 years
since the last dinner plate
exploded on our dining room wall
17 years since my mother
started accidentally setting your place at the dinner table
17 years since italian night
at the restaurant on the corner
where the juke box
spat tired music
and like so many other things
it stopped working when you left
i guess it's no coincidence
since the juke box went quiet
that the cds in my car
only skip on "i miss you"
i've been hemorrhaging memories
for so long
and now that i'm looking back
i can no longer tell
the mirage from the truth
sometimes i swear
you showed up to my graduation
and last time
i was at your apartment
i can't remember
if the imprints of my hands
are in clay hanging on your wall
or if they were left in the mud
the day god had the audacity
to let it rain
or maybe it's like the time
i saw someone crying on a bridge
now that i think about it
i can't remember if it was me

I woke up early morning
To a tapping on my window
A blue bird sitting on the sill
Asked what I was doing

Oh hey there lil bird
I'm spreading butter with a spoon
But keep it between me and you
There's a few other crazy things I do too

Like taking moon beams that I find on my floor
And putting them all in a jar
I'm saving them for something special
But as of yet I'm not really sure

I hug trees
And chase rainbows
Trace smiley faces in fogged up windows
I even glue googly eyes on my kettle and toaster so I don't feel alone

Tell me lil bird
I've always wondered
Are there creatures with wings
Scared to fly
Afraid of heights

And if there are do they go to social events
Like birds of a feather do
If they walk and don't fly
do they have to wait in a line
At the buffet for their food

Tell me of furry etiquettes and norms
Are you bound by rules
Of the kingdom of birds
Or are blue birds blue bloods

We had quite the conversation going on
My little tapping blue bird and me
That's when I opened the window spread my arms
and we were both gone
Flying away into the free