I'm fed up.
I'm hidden.
I flirt all way too much.
He's taken we don't kiss but we flirt way too much.
There's no shame yet I feel so much pain deep inside.
Pretty girl handsome guy petty chick on the side.
Why not me?
I'm too far distance kills all the vibes.
I like you,
you liked me now I'm all torn inside.
Set me free let me be,
this is just way too much.
Seeing you next to her on my screen makes me scream.
I'll see you, you'll see me and it'll all be so sweet.
Once I go we'll say bye then we'll wait for next time.
Two new worlds can it be that we make them unite?
It's your choice I say yes but you'd have to agree.
Maybe yes maybe no i will just wait and see.
Cheers to you and to me and to all we have seen.
So here's a good night till next time hope it's as soon as can be.

Sometimes you have no reason to stay,
and realize that's a perfect argument to go.
And that taking an entirely new way,
is the sore but single method to grow.

If you're washed-on abeyance's bight,
and you feel decision's heavy heft:
To choose the left where nothing's right,
or go to the right where nothing's left.

Remember it matters not where you proceed,
or which mountain you want to ascend.
It does not matter whether you succeed,
it is the journey that matters in the end.

The dreamy eye lashes of your eyes
When they meet,

The soft wisps of your hair
When they fly,

The quiver of your lips
When you feel shy,

The spell of your smile
When it comes by

Stirs the void in me.

Resurrects the dream.

And my heart,
Then embarks on a flight
Of myriad conjectures
Only to stumble
And fall
In the abyss
Of lustful hope.
.. Yet again.

Hell is when you are in pain
But don't show it
Cause you don't want a million questions
Hell is when you feel pain
And there's no moral
No lesson
When you are trapped in emotion
And have no control over what will happen
When the tears roll down your cheeks and you can't stop them
When your soul is screaming
But no one will listen
When your soul aches
When your eyes are blinded by the heaviness
The hurt
The pain
And knowing that tomorrow,
The cycle stays the same
When smiling actually hurts your feelings because its proof that you're a liar
You're lying to yourself
And everyone else
Cause when they see that smile
They don't see the pain
The tears
The emotions felt
But just a facade you put up
Because you're scared.
Scared of the implications
And seeing how people actually feel-
Do they care about me?
Only God knows
And meanwhile the pain grows
Fornicates, multiplies!
And so do the lies
The "I'm okay"s
The "I'm fine"s
But back to what I was saying,
Hell is when you have a million ways
To explain your pain

When I look at your picture on our wall
Tears of love fill my eyes up to its brim.
Drags my empty mind to the sobering day.
On which I missed a portion of my heart.

Crowds kept coming & going.
Some wept their heart out.
I could hear curses upon fate,
for leaving  us alone.
Spiritual hymns dissolved in air of despair.
The sight of pale face made everyone frozen.

I stared at my mother's corpse,
as if I was seeing her for the first time.
I leaned on to my dad's shoulder
& held my sister in my arm.
I tried to fill the gap consciously,
but chords of insecurity wound around.

Funeral services began
Prayers and comforting songs filled the atmosphere.
At last the time  came,
which a child can ever ponder.
It could not be put to an end,
without a last kiss.

My feet stumbled as I crossed her legs.
On which  I stood to learn to walk.
I loved the way she used to pat my head,
when I lay on her lap.
I wish to be back in her womb,
because it was the most comfortable place
I ever had been.

I wanted to chuckle after biting her fingers,
when she fed me delicious meals.
I yearned to hear her heartbeat
& feel the warmth of cuddling.
I was dumbstruck when I saw her lips shut.
Her voice whispered in my ear.

I felt a soft caress on my nose,
as she used to pamper by touching her nose on mine .
My heart pounded with desire to see her eyes open
& to have a gaze at me.
I looked around for naughty things,
to make her eyebrows raise.

I touched on her forehead.
My lips trembled with immense love.
I bent down my head.
It was like waves kissing the shore.
I sensed a smile rippling on her face,
as she always did when I kissed her.

I heard overtime our body disposes of cells and develops new ones, how sublime.
My body last year isn't what it is now, and certainly not what it was when I was nine.
I guess scientifically you've never touched me.
You've never gripped my face in between your forefinger and thumb, never put your mouth, your thin upper lip and full bottom lip on my tightly closed one.
Apparently I was never forced to see.

See, I was too numb, too motionless to fight back and eventually turned emotionless.
Cause and affect

Never felt you push yourself on me or you openly inviting my hand to explore.
Never felt the dread I felt when you told me I was adored.
Never grazed my ear with your fingers as you pushed my hair back, telling me I was beautiful no matter how hard I tried not be, that in a sea full of girls there was no one else like me.
That out of all of them I was different, I was special, I couldn't be cloned.
I had a heart made of gold that wouldn't hurt anyone even if told.
I never had to feel your breath on my cheek or neck as you asked if I loved you, as you asked if I was alright. That if something was wrong I could go to you with no hesitation and like always you pried and I lied.

Maybe that's why I never believe anyone that has a mouth or fingers or eyes, just like you did, just like yours. I don't trust anyone that can form beautiful words, can't let them have the ability to make them retch worthy, too much at stake to let another one of your kind hurt me.
Cause and affect

I never felt a maleficent, fine blade on my own skin, slicing away the words I could never begin.
I never felt hot tears on my chin, dripping down into the deep pool made of a deep red. Making a color I'll never forget, nor perfect ever again.

I love that a part of me will forever be on that tile, on that floor. Because the whole of me has been long gone, just like my (hopefully soon) soul.

Yet, I'm still her, and she'll forever be me, that poor little nine year old girl that had to endure it all until she was pubescent, and then as if that wasn't enough, sickly got tortured and scarred some more while growing into a poor excuse of an adolescent- a traumitized, terrorized *adolescent.

Its November 26 and my mom still hasn't noticed the empty bottles of Tylenol and Ibuprofen under my bed. Those pretty much became the end to hunger pains when I stopped eating. Its not that I don't like my body, I don't really have a way to excuse myself for fasting at all. I guess eating just became another thing I was disgusted with.
Its November 26, in 28 months my dad will be out of prison. I wonder where we will go then.
Its November 26, no one can say they love me without a "but" or apology following it. I guess nothing changes, so ill just change myself.
Its November 26 and I've given up on cutting and moved onto bigger and better things. Why hurt myself when I can down a bottle and avoid scarring? Works for me.