never allow myself closeness
keep a chain locked around my heart
crouch in my mind’s darkness
hide from a world i’m sure is bent on tearing me apart

never let them know who you really are
protect yourself in an empty smile’s armor
build walls surrounding your soul so you can shove it away far
bathe in the peaceful emptiness of being your only harmer

realize you’ve never felt love
panic because you don’t know you
ruminate: i’ve spent my whole life In Fear Of?
choke on the answer keeping you in the noose

find the girl you’ve denied
and tell her she doesn’t have to die

i learned to eat
and stuff myself full
so i could pretend that the emptiness was a hunger set deep in my stomach
and not one slowly infesting my soul

I will not stay
I can't
here the ground
is sinking
like quicksand
only betrayal
and deceit is found

each word is connived
as though each speaker
within himself carries
a ready lethal knife

they said to me:
' just stay a while'
but I knew the storm
was brewing-  guile
wore an insidious smile

escape routes
they had planned
none had I---
where could I hide?

Postscript:

I left
my life I saved
I survived!

There comes a point where you dance.
And not the same for everyone,
but you must dance.
Because when your heart has been still and stuck in sadness
you must give it a little chaos after.
After what, you may ask?
After you're broken.
After your heart feels absolutely shattered to its core.
After you and your love have been at war.
After a long day at work.
Just after.
Anything.
Anything, where your heart has hurt
you MUST dance.

what if the sky went pink
and the birds stopped their chirping
if the world stopped its turning
what if i took your hand
and pulled you closer
if i held you forever
what if i kissed you then?
just before the sun slept
before the crickets sang
and important things
began to happen?
what if
what if we had that moment
that one second
of just
us?

there was a long time
that i hated both of you
i couldn’t understand how to love
despite all you gave me
i was lost in the vines, all twisted up inside
i saw the cruelty in his eyes
and hated the way it reflected back in mine
i heard the desperation in her screams
and raised mine louder
there was anger settled inside me
like some dark recipe brewing in my bones
1. set low to boil
2. let it explode