my friends
smoke cigarettes
constantly

they are looking for a stronger high
and that is all

but you

seemed to be looking for something else
and I think
you found it
when you met me

If I could, learn to do,
How to do things right by you,
I would do about anything.
I might even learn how to love.
If I could, begin to be,
A fraction of the bad you see,
I might do about anything,
But never learn how to love.
If I could, turn and say,
Something that'd make us okay,
I would say about anything,
But first of all I'd say that I love,
You.

Oh, what a difference a year makes
Take note of the changes
Of what has stayed the same.
Tears threaten to unravel me
As I reflect…
We’ve made it farther than most
And still have a long way to go
You are the best companion
My heart has ever known.
The love and compassion you exude
Warm my soul
My spirit renews.
It is I who is in awe of you
You love me in my lowest moods
You help me find  the best way to move
And in my darkness I wish you knew
The depth of all my gratitude.
As we continue down the road of life
I will always choose to fight
For us
Our right to bask in the light
Of love and harmony
For joy and serenity.

i was
       c o l d             and
                      n u m b
          but your
l o v e               set my on
               f i re
– i still have the burns to prove it

Blinking eyes distraction mind
never settling her arrow to target

check email fifty times a day
nothing new alerts from advertisers

slobber over social media
lost between tragedy and humor

bees crash into window pane
again and again and again and again

hungry hungry for connection
I kiss your warm palm smelling of ivory soap

You are sitting in a small wooden boat
On a beautiful lake in the mountains
You can see the caps of the mountains
Pine trees are all around
The scent of pine fills your lungs
It is refreshing

Your dog is with you
A German Shepherd
Named Sam
It is a warm perfect day
With a cool breeze that blows across your face ever so slightly
It feels good against your skin

The water is calm
Just a few ripples from fish
The lake is crystal clear
You can see to the bottom of it
There are small fish swimming about
You watch them for a while
Entranced by their movements

You put finally something on the end of your fishing pole to attract a fish
You are hoping for a trout

You then cast your line into the lake and wait

You pull out your book and stretch out your legs to relax
Your dog settles in for a nap
You love these moments
They are so peaceful and calm
You love the stillness of the place

What if
I had fallen to my knees
On the cold parking lot concrete
Tears washing over my cheeks
And cries no one should ever have to hear
Bellowing out from beneath my ribs
Screaming at the sky
Looking up at your face
Forcing you
(and everyone else)
To see me in this godforsaken state
Of absolute chaos
Heartbreak
In it's rawest form
What if I had begged you to stay?
What if I'd told you I can't do this without you?
What if I'd told you how much I needed you
What if I did anything other than fighting back the tears
Maybe for myself, maybe for you,
Mostly for the crowd of people gathering
Saying their goodbyes
Anxiously looking around to bear witness to everyone else's reactions
And I didn't want to be that girl
That girl who falls to the ground
Kicking and screaming and crying and begging
But what if I was?
What if I was any girl other than the one I pretended to be that day
The one that held her tongue and kept her mouth shut because she knew the second she opened it to speak she would sob
The one that wrapped her arms around you for the last time,
and the one that let go
The one that couldn't bear to watch you walk away
So she kissed you goodbye
Got back in the car
And drove home
What if i wasn't that girl who didnt allow herself to completely fall apart until she was alone in the privacy of her own home?
What if instead I'd made a scene,
Doing what everything inside me so desperately wanted to
Grabbing hold of your hand and refusing to let go
Losing the facade of confidence
The charade of strength
But I'm not that girl
And I never will be
So each and every time you leave
I kiss you goodbye
I unclench my fists and retract my anchors
I untether my heart from it's human home
And I put on a brave face
Maybe for myself, maybe for you,
Or maybe
For that girl.

What am I to you?

A friend
A mystery
A gargoyle
History

What are you to me?

A blackbird passing
An indulgent feast
after fasting.
A morsel at least
of something new,
Something good.
Of the many you're the few.
What's for pudding?