We sit together
On a bridge that goes over a river
From the mountains
At 11pm at night.
She chain smoked her whole
Pack of camels
And we are still in
Our dresses.
I can tell she wants to cry
But it's the kind of sadness
That doesn't let you cry,
It just let's you crumble.
And I look up
At the sky
Wearing her necklace
And the stars are out,
It's beautifully dark
And the rushing water
Roars in my ears.
Her heartbreaker
Sits in the backseat
Of her car,
Asking a midnight
Spur of the moment lover
To come pick her up.
All I want to do is scream.

Yesterday I felt her
Press against me
And her tongue on mine
And her tongue on my neck
I felt her eyes on mine
And her smile
And we were thinking the same thing
"we shouldnt be doing this"
But my body felt alive
With a yes, yes, yes
It felt alive with every kiss
And every look
It even felt alive when I begged her
Not to kiss her tonight.
Now my body is left
With that image of breakthrough
Rolling in my head
Of the way our fingertips got hot
As they pushed against our skin
It's left me more than dead
It's left me *wanting.

I just don't want to be around her.
She makes me so uncomfortable.
My body has physically been wrecked
My heart has been smeared
All over my shower walls
Because of her.
Seeing her makes me go
Into
Fight or flight mode
Just because the hurt
Put me there.
It's instinct.

I am all alone.
Nobody to talk to.
Nobody to understand.

I feel it again,
Feel myself shrinking back
Until I'm a shell.
Until the only thing I can feel
Is my heart painfully beating.

Its like my own body wants to die.
Its never hungry.
My smile is mechanical.
I'm simply playing a role
Instead of living my life.

Khayllia, I've turned into you.
I'm not happy with anything too.

I HAVE TO WORK
SO *******
HARD
TO GET A GUY TO LIKE ME
AND THEN
SHE SWOOPS IN
******* AND ALL
AND TAKES HIM
UGH MOTHER*******

I've loved you since
We were in 7th grade,
And I'm a Sophomore now.
I havent been with you since January,
So for almost a year.
But my heart aches when I see you
And I think of all the possibilities
I could have with you again.
Your blond hair and brown eyes,
Crooked smile
And silly laugh.
Your forearms and your hands,
And I could openly admire
Your love for anything to do
With machines or mountains.
Ive loved you when you left me,
And when you ran away.
I have loved you since I was 12,
And I can't ever forget that day.
I have loved you for quite some time.
I can't imagine it being a youthful love,
When I'm not over you yet.

I
Close  my eyes
I
Imagine a place
Where
Everything is white
Where
There is a crisp envelope
That
I fold perfectly into
That
Seals me up in it
And
I float away
And
I forget because
I
Fall asleep.

I feel so tired about everything.
Every kiss,
Every laugh,
Every time I blink my eyes
Or take a bite of food.
I feel myself grow weary
With every step
And every movement
Feel myself tire
As a new day dawns.
I know I care
But I can't seem to find it
The only thing I care about
Is other peoples feelings
And I feel selfish and guilty
For ever thinking of myself about anything
And I'm heavy and tired
Every step I take
Is another weight on my back
Sleep.
Sleep sleep sleep,
All I want is to drift
Through time
With closed eyes
And a dead mind

My friends aren't supposed to
Look like
This
Hollowed out
Sallow yellow
Cheeks.
***** teeth.

Heating up their medicine
Inside a metal spoon
Stick it in,
Just to get that feeling soon.

Wasting time,
Wasted on the floor,
Nodding off,
Giggling galore.

Jumpy eyes
And uneasy smiles
"Lindsey don't you
Want to stay awhile?"

But they've already left,
Off to their next fix,
Too bad they've amounted
To Alaska's Valley hicks.

My sadness is a sea
I'm lost in it
Swirling with the current
Letting it take me
And the salt water
Tastes like my tears
That are on my pillow
I close my eyes
Every night
And dream
Of being happy
I reach for it
I try and grasp it
But I cannot quite reach it
My fingertips graze it
But then I fall back again
Into my sea...

They say breaking
up is the hardest part.
It isn't if you don't care.

Im so ******* tired
Of my house
And it's 1900s
Morals
No *** till marriage
They say
No dating a girl
They say
No dating a black guy
They say
Well
*******
I can love who I want.

I thought you cared about me.
I thought you loved me.
I thought you wanted this to be a forever
Kind
Of
Thing.

Now I know it was all a lie.
You and Sam are
"Together but not together"
So I'm letting you go.

I've been hurt before.
Just stop lying and own up to
What you do.

You don't care enough about me.
Its all about her now.
She is new, exciting,
Shiny.
My body is boring now.

Whatever.

I feel underwater
With time slipping by
Containing of headaches
And lies an kisses
And the only time I get to breathe
Is when I'm alone
And I can see where Im going
(down down down)
I feel useless
And unlovable
Im lost I'm my mistakes
And my torn heart
I lose myself in tears
And fast breaths

Nobody is completely empty
When you are with your friends
Or loved ones.
Not completely.
It's there, of course.
That sad emptiness.
But not all the way.
It hits you on the bus ride home
When he sits across from you
And won't look at you.
It hits you when you wake up
From your naps.
It hits you when you're stuck
In nightmares
And then you scream and
It hits you when you
Think you
Might be happy
Enough to not want to die
But then it hits you
And you feel it all over again.
Flicker of hope diminished, just like that.

You bottle everything up
Until the last moment
And something as simple as
The Notebook
Happens
And you wish you could have that love

You sit there with silent tears
Scared to death
That "larger than life love"
Will never happen to you

I floss my gums
Until they bleed
And smile a big toothy grin
While Watching my red spit

Where you touch
It burns
I never understood
How people could
Get high off of kisses
Until my lips met yours

And My eyes
Have never met
Such naked ****** perfection
Until you layed still
As I ran my hands up and down
Your stomach hips and thighs

You listen to loud music
You write about them
Drink too much
Smoke too much
Just trying to get their
**** face out of your head

You read books
And play ****** games
Go and see friends
Just trying to get their
Smile out of your mind.

And no matter what you do
You end up staying up
Too late--
All alone,
Thinking of their face and smile
And what their fingertips look like
You're thinking about
The shape of their eyes
And what their laugh sounds like.
What their lips taste like.

All these memories you wish
You didn't have
Because they aren't good memories
Anymore

******* memories that
Won't go away,
All that happiness and lust and love
Now sit, soured,
In your heart, head, and stomach.

And my friends don't know
What I'm going through
I just want to fast forward
And make it better
I want a smile on my face
That isn't plastered on
And I hate myself for being
One of THEM, ....
Those poor me im sad
People I love to mock
But here I am
And I feel it
It isn't even sadness
It's pain and sorrow
And I wish my heart felt different
Than it does when it beats inside
My chest
Because it feels off
And it hurts and is sick
And tired of beating
And living.
I want to give up give up
But I can't I have everything
I'm going through
And I hate myself for everything
Because its all my fault
All of it
All my pain and sorrow
Was caused by me!
And I don't know how to fix it.
I picture a blade
Going on my wrist and I feel
My body want it.
I picture taking antidepressants
And I feel my body
Get excited for the blanket
Of gray it could have with it.
I picture a counselor
From god knows where
Who will listen
And hold me when I cry,
And I start to cry when thinking of it.
I picture Mykayla,
Who is always there for me,
But sometimes I jus want her
To wrap her arms around me
And love me
And I want to feel it
Because I alway knew it was there
But I could never receive it.
I want to now.
But now it's too late.
I picture a gun
And a thrill goes through my body
Thinking of the hard metal
At my temple.
I think of the notes I'd have to write
And I think of all the reasons why
But none of them
Could forgive me.
So I guess I will just sit here
And cry
And hurt.
Because I can choose absolutely
None of those solutions.

I just want
To be able to have him
And him
And her
And him.
I'm a needy greedy
Grabby jealous *****.
So what?
Love me.

Love is such *******.
One day you're minding your own business
Then Bam!
You get a good look at them.
And your heart is setting fire
To the rest of your body.
Then you get to know what
Their kisses feel like
(Heaven on earth).
Get to know how they breathe
When they sleep.
How they eat.
How it feels when they touch you.
Make love to you.

You get comfortable in your love.
Confident.

Then you feel them pull away
And the fire is quenched by
A million gallons of salty water
And you're drowning.
You have to cry out all
The water to even get a good breath.
You're drowning and every time
You see them now
You pull deeper
Into the ocean you've created,
Sinking.

Sinking until you've reached the bottom of it
And you can't tell
Which way is up or down
Because you're living
In darkness for days.
Weeks.
Months.

And anyone that talks to you
Is on the surface,
Its all muffled.
You can barely hear them.

After six to twelve months,
The water begins to drain
And you can breathe again.
But the sky is gray
And your lungs are scarred.
And your heart is praying
To please not let it happen again.
Youve learned your lesson.
And love *****.

When you speak to me my teeth ache
Our sweet fantasy has begun to decay

Don't be in dysfunctional abusive
Relationships that make you
Cry and cut and hate
Yourself and everything.

Don't.

You deserve so much better.
Trust me.*

Because I understand
And if she hadn't of left me
I would still be in torment
Believing it was better
Than not being with her at all.

*Don't let the
Should've been the one
Get in the way of
The true one.

Scratch scratch
Scritch..
what the ****?


I wake up with claw marks
On my right arm..
I put them there.
in my sleep.
My ******* subconscious
Is into self harm.
Woohoo.

No matter how many times I say her name
It still gets caught in my throat
Still holds insurmountable meaning
It doesn't just become three syllables
It becomes me crying cause I realize it's almost been 5 months since the last time we made love
5 months since the last time we kissed or even truly talked
And she is happy
And I'm still in bed, whispering her name
And hoping it becomes just three
Syll-a-bles.

Too many people
With dried tears on their pillows
Too many people 
With big hurt in their hearts
Too many people
Who would rather be beaten up
Than lose another lover.
Too many people
With a quiet mouth
That cannot speak of
Their past 
Too many people
Who keep to themselves
When their mind is racing
Of things that could be.

I thought I wasn't stuck in
My past anymore
I have a new lover
And a new happy ending
But I feel my heart
Still tug
To sadder times
Where I loved with my whole heart
Instead of most of it
and I had so many possibilities and
I had
A happy heart
And mistakes I could fix.
And now I'm no longer invincible
I'm a hollow shell
That shakes silently sometimes at night
I feel my life whirl by
With me in the middle watching
And I feel myself losing my grip
On my new forced happiness
Losing myself in the waves
Of her love
Looking back at the storm
Of his lies
And I want to leave it
But I can't escape.

I know.
No matter how hard I try,
Or how hard I will try,
I will never be enough.
Never enough for him.
Yet at the same time
Too much.

I wish that people
Could love me
*e f f o r t l e s s l y

Always remember to be
With someone who
Just wants you to be

Happy.

Where does it all go?
All those memories of sneaking out
And watching your weight?
Of your husband going
Off to a world war?
Those memories
Of loving him?
Of him dying?
What about those memories
Of being all alone, and
Growing old alone?
What about the memory
Of your favorite great grand daughter
Who ÿöü always complimented
On how beautiful they were?
What of her?
What about all the things
She wanted to tell you....
She wanted to confess
And she wanted to confide
But she never did.
And you are gone,
The memories around here
Somewhere.

8:46 am*

I'm lying awake
Right now and I
Can't tell
If you're pretending to sleep
Thinking
There's no way in hell
I'm waking up right now
I think my want
For you woke me
Cause I woke up
And suddenly I needed you
Needed you like the
Clingy ***** I am
Needed you rocking in
And out of me
Telling me you loved me

I'm so warm because
Of this fire you have
Built
In my heart
My head
My thighs
And fingertips

And I'm balancing on a tightrope
Happiness on the other side
Urging me too my feet
But beneath the tightrope
Is a hell I've fallen into way too many times
Good god
Let me be
Let me be free
Even though I'm falling

And if I were
To die tonight
I'd die alone.

So I read to you until you
Fall asleep
Over the phone at 12 am
Because nothing
Is more beautiful
Than you

You still remember
How to get to her house
Her sisters house
Her grandmas house
You still remember
Her whispering about fireworks
After you two kissed
You still remember
Her dancing and singing
The way her chest rose and fell
Beneath your hand
Her heartbeat in your ear
You still remember
Holding her as she cried
And all the times
You pulled away when she
Pulled towards
You still remember asking for breaks
And her sitting
Next to her door rocking
Back and forth
Asking how you could do this
After you had kissed someone else
You still remember
The last note
And you can't remember
The last kiss
Because you had been so sure
That it couldn't ever be
A last kiss

When I fell in love with him,
I fell hard and young and oblivious.
I gave him everything
And he gave me empty promises
But he made me so nervous
My teeth would chatter.
I thought I had surely found the one
At the age of twelve.
And oh, it was love.
Those nights next to him
I could barely look at him.
There was tingling up and down my spine
And everything.
I thought you could only fall once.
Back then, I wanted to only fall once,
For him.

I'm not ready to give up on you. Whenever I think about it, I think about how much of an amazing person you are, and then I couldn't ever give you up. I have had an opportunity every day for almost four months to move on. But I don't want to. I'm so sorry you feel like I thought our relationship was a joke. To be honest, I knew it was so ******* real that I couldn't imagine you not wanting to be with me, and it scared me. I'm sorry it scared me. If I had to have you and only you until the day I died, I would be happier than anybody and anything in this whole world. Because I love you still. So much. And if you ever gave me the chance to prove to you I was for real about this, I would take it and prove how much I love you. I would buy you flowers every day and wake you up with a kiss and hold your hand and walk you to your classes and treat you so ******* good that you wouldn't ever want HER. You want to know what I think about Angel? Besides her being beautiful and perfect and stunning. I think you want her because she treats you a million times better than I ever did. And I know she is way better than me in every way shape and form, but I still love you. This pathetic girl still loves you. And I'm sorry you thought you weren't enough, because in all reality I wasn't enough. You were perfect.

Letting his words hit me
As hard as his fists do.
"Could those snarling lips
Have caressed my skin as
Sweetly as they had
The day before?
And those hands, now
Balled into fists, had I
Really felt protected by their touch?
His eyes, glistening with hate,
How could they have sparkled
In sight of me.
No, not possible.
Married for 5 years, with a
Child on the way."

I didn't know I could hate something so much.
I hate it.
I hate it.
I hate it.
Dear God, help me.

You have killed off
Every care but one;
You.

I just don't give a ****.
I'm tired.
Too tired to care.

Hearing your name,
Seeing it,
Twists my heart
Like a washcloth
And my will to live drips out
Of
It.

I'm too tired to drink about it.
Talk about it.
Smoke about it.
Cry about it.

I'm not on a self destructive path.
I'm just on an empty road,
With no curves or trees.

But life is what you make it,
Yet I'm afraid I can't make it
Without you

I see the light
At the end of this tunnel
I think
I have her back
In my arms again
Her black hair
And blue eyes
And skinny waist
Is all mine again,
I'm starting to exercise,
Something I haven't done in a year.
I'm taking better care of my hygeine.
(It wasn't too bad before)
I have goals,
No more bad grades
But better ones
This year I will change
And not tomorrow
But TODAY.
Today I will do work
And work out
And make love
And eat merrily.
Then make love some more.
That is my plan.

Inside me
There's a little
Girl
Sitting in
My heart
With her head
Between her knees
And her
Heart carved out
of her chest
Inside me
There's a little
Girl
Screaming to get out
Yet begging
To hide
All
At
The
Same
Time.

I cannot let her out.
She will destroy me,
This little
Girl
Inside my
Heart.

I'm so empty
Inside.
All I want is to love someone.
But it's like I can't feel anymore.

They say love is love
But say your sexuality isn't real

They say dress how you want
But say it isn't dressing right

They say
Kissing girls is weird
They say
Don't you miss ****
They say
How can you like that

I sit in front of my mirror
And look at my skin
So strange to think
Of the hands still pressed
To my flesh
Of the lips imprinted
In jest and in love
In lust and in drunk
I'm thinking of
My skin and my lips
And where I've been
And where I've yet to be.

Earbuds in and
Let the blood out
Let the crazy drip
In scarlet droplets
Down my hip