Oh, what a fool I was,
to believe in fairytales
and happily ever afters

Oh, how terribly naive
to let you back in
through the revolving door,
such an easy way out

I guess I should've known you were lying
when you told me you cared
and looked away,
blinking twice
even your body
refused a lie so bold

I should have been weary
of that glassy stare
knowing all the while
that as you held me
you weren't really there

But oh darling, I was just a girl
in love with a boy
whose heart was cold and broken
and bred to destroy.

I cannot wait,
forever

Without hope,
or some kind of sign
that this impossible love
is a possibility

No, I can't go on,
waiting in the dark
or screaming in silence

Dying day by day
watching you break my heart
without touching it at all

Listen as they howl
With the sirens
And at the sky

Screeching
Bleeding
Yearning
And burning
All for the blood red moon
Like a prayer to God
Like a cry for mama

Listen as they weep
And pine
And ache in relentless agony
All for hope
For some kind of sign
A chill in the night
Or a smile from a star

Watch as they turn themselves
Inside out
In grief and shame
Dirtiness so deep
Even their souls must be hosed down

Watch as they crumble
And become so small
That they are now the earth
A patch of dirt for us to walk over
And smush down with our feet
Like they were never there at all

The souls of the ******
The sleepless coyotes
And the hounds of hell
Wail for me
And beg to take me down
Past the river banks
And deeper than the sea
To a no man’s land
And the place which carries no name.

I still think of you,
sometimes late into the night,
eyes wide awake and body aching,
pulsating and confused
Perpetual shifting,
tossing and turning

Staring at my clock,
waiting on my phone,
I lay in silence and shut my eyes tight,
until they're little slits

Avoiding thoughts of you is despairing,
because you make my dreams golden,
it's a euphoric escape

Rolling over,
pretending to sleep
I conjure up your image
and call you to my bed,
to my despondent embrace

The daylight sobers,
and puts my mind at ease
You are easy to forget here,
but when the moon beams into my window,
that's when I'll miss you,
that's when the real darkness will come

Love is a quiet rainstorm
That taps gently at my roof
Ping, ping, ping
Wake up sleepyhead

It beckons me forward
Towards the window and into the bleak greyness of the day
Raindrops flow tirelessly down my window pain
Lazily dripping into the gutter and into my garden

I’m not ready for it
But I never really am
Sometimes the rain comes hard
Thunder and lighting crackle towards the earth and rumble my weary home
I am jilted from sleep and left cold and shaky

Other times I need it
I’m too dry
My flowers are dying
Thirsty for it
Begging to be big and blooming they turn towards the sky

I stay inside my house when it rains
It’s not safe to go outside
I’ll become covered in it
Wet from head to toe
Cooled off and alive
I’ll never want to leave
I’ll stay in it forever
That’s what a good rain does

Every noise is loud and every drop refreshing
It’ll wash away the dirt and the tears
That I’ve collected inside my home
My safe nest
That keeps me alone and out of the rain
Out of love and forever afraid.

Little man lays on my lap
and chews the water from my wetted hair, he watches
his tail and runs happily away

Girl,
take off your mother's shoes
and lay down her pearls
put them back in her closet
behind the wedding dress
because there's no time now,
to live in the past

Woman,
is what you've become
who you've grown to be
do not be afraid of it
let power and purpose fill you
until your full enough to burst

Sister,
you are now,
and always have been
a woman falling freely
subjected to a mind
deceitful and cunning
and conditioned to destroy

don't lose hope now, pride will break your fall
and when you've reached the bottom, look up
there will still be sun on your side

It's cold out
and the snow is falling fast
But when I look at you,
I feel warm,
really warm

I like your long hair, girl
You're pretty,
a princess
and oh, those big white teeth

You're smile is big, girl
Like the sun,
like beauty herself

I know it gets hard,
when you want to run fast,
when you need to move far,
away from the fears that bind you,
from the hate that surrounds you

You'll be okay, girl
You're stronger than you know
What you've got in you,
could move mountains,
crack lightning
and make waves

I've seen it, girl
Earth and sky came together,
to form a woman like you
Just like the hawk that sits on your fence,
basking in big sun,
unaffected by the sound

My eyes are bleeding
and my head is on fire
tossing and turning between the sheets

praying for resistance --
praying for mercy
screaming for Advil.

I read the page before me and I stopped,
Breathing, thinking, even being
For a moment
I put it down and paced,
Back and forth in my room
Swallowing back tears
I sit with hand over mouth

These stories cannot be true,
And this cannot be history
No,
No,
No,
I plead with what has already become,
Do not let this horror be real

Women and children
All shapes and all sizes
With different histories
Colors,
Mothers and fathers
Beaten ******
*****, tortured, and humiliated
Left to die
By not just one,
But many men

I would
Lay down in the street,
And die like a dog
To stop these hearts from breaking
And their bruised legs from shaking
I would scream out in desperation
And seek revenge on the devil
To protect the victims
Because I am a victim,
And to raise up the little voices,
Because I too once had a little voice

I would make them sorry
For what they did
And the fear they caused
To the small ones
And the vulnerable ones

I would bleed out every drop of blood
Hold the weak and the trembling
Fight until breath
Could no longer fill my lungs
To end it
And I will

You saw her in your dreams
Black hair
Eyes as blue as shallow water
With a pink bow resting upon;
Her angelic, little head

You saw her before you knew what was real
You dreamed her before you ever knew the truth

She came into being years ago
When your heart grew hard
And your words fell silent
That’s when she was born

She watched you turn your head towards the sky
Filled with white, head loud with trains

She felt you let her go
But she never left you
Stayed and waited,
For the dust to settle
And your heart to open

Baby girl, looks up at you
And knows exactly where you’ve been
Chose to be with you
For nothing else;
But pure sweet love.

She sings songs in the park now
She’s beautiful
You should see her play

She dances around
Her old guitar case
Gliding with feet bare
To the street beneath them

She doesn’t sing for change
That’s only a cover
She plays for the trees
And for the lovers
Sitting on their benches
Holding honest hearts
In their strong clean hands

She hums to the passersby
On bikes
On foot
Her voice stretches
Throughout the winding path
Reaching every stroller pushing mother
Nanny
O’pair
Reminding them that life is extensive
That it’s possible to grow
Even from concrete

The people in the park
They are the flowers
Newly blooming
And her music is the spring
Her honeyed voice
As she slowly strums her guitar in tune

I am the wolf,
vicious, terrified, and unkind
softly licking my wounds
howling up high towards mother moon.

Are you okay?
Yes, yes I'm fine, just fine.
Are your doors locked?
Windows closed?
Are you safe?
Yes, yes I'm fine
Everything's alright

You sound different,
are you stressed?
Cold or tired?
Depressed?
Good God!
Sick?

Are you coming down with fever?
The flu is running rampant!
It's dangerous, you know
No, no, I'm fine!
I promise I'm fine!

How's the area?
Poor? Rich?
White? Black?
Is it safe?
Is your phone on?
911 on speed dial?
No, no, I'm safe I'm fine!

It's one week
I'll call you tomorrow
Call before
Or if anything happens
I want to be the first to know.

Lay your golden hair over me
Let my legs become one with your locks

Look me in the eyes, girl
Past my walls and through my soul
And tell me that you're okay today

No storms on the horizon
Your mind is clear and bright
Let me paint a smile on your face

Today we'll cover our bodies with sun
We'll let all healing light in
Feel it swimming through our veins
We don't have to talk at all

I can see it in your eyes
In the fluidity of your movements
I don't need it whispered
Or screamed
I just know.

I didn't think
you're right you didn't think
it would be this hard, is it supposed to be this hard?
I told you it would be hard

but I didn't think,
didn't listen to your words,
always wiser than mine,
somehow even when you
have no idea where I am or what I'm thinking
you're still right

You don't take my breath away,
you rip it from my lungs.
Again,
and again.

You don't tell the truth,
you spin stories of deceit.
You lie,
and lie,
and ******* lie.

Over and over,
crimson and clover,
but we won't dance to this song.

You don't play pretend,
you change completely,
to become someone new.
Ravenous and unwilling,
to ask for help,
or let it go.
Just let it go

You are not my sister.
You are but her shell
with a demon soul
that quietly slithered in
and you won't let her go
just let her go

And the moods
and the manias
they'll just keep cycling through.
Over and over,
crimson and clover,

But I refuse to sing this song with you
because I'm letting you go
I'm just letting *you go

I can feel you slipping away from me
Again
Like the many times before
You’re just beyond my grasp
Let me reach a little further
I’ll never let go

You can’t run far
Not as long as I have my claws in you
I’ll break you
I’ll make you bleed
You’ll never get away from my wicked heart
Or the destruction that lay before you

I’ll hold you still in my hand
Like a baby bird
Screeching for freedom
But you can’t have it
No, you’ll never leave me
I’ll always be the first to go.

Please don’t try to struggle
To clip your wings
Will only cause me pain
Because I love to see you fly

You’re only safe in my arms
Next to my heart
Warm and close to me my love
It’s dangerous where you go

Don’t fly away
You’ll never get away
I’ll always be the first to go
Do not fly away from me my love
You’ll never get far.

Who are you little one?
Small boy who sits
At the edge of the bed
Voice so soft I can barely hear it
Where did you come from?
Beautiful and baby faced
But you kiss like a man
You lift me and pull me close
I can feel strength in you

Hold me small boy
Let me make you feel big
Like a man
A real machismo

Blonde and curly
Like golden rods
And you smell that way
I breathe you in
And I can feel
Summer’s warm embrace
Endless life and endless green

Tell me boy would you turn away
If I became weak and timid
Like a feral cat?
Would you dance along beside me?
As I spin wildly on
Smiling big smiles
Screaming like a wicked *****
Beautiful and free

If I’m moving this way
Would you follow closely behind?
Or run off when my back is turned?
Tell me my little one
Hold me close
And strong
Don’t break the barrier
That you’ve created around me
Just tell me with your quiet voice
Like rustling branches
That you’ll stand behind me

I'm losing my ability to speak
soon, no one will be able to understand me
i'll be speaking gibberish
using slang that no one can place
reinventing english
until language is my own

I use the same words
but they never have the same meaning
I speak in circles until my head buzzes
and my mouth is too tired to move

I am a mute
and a soundbox
an animal -- only one of my kind
unable to communicate
with a single living soul

I want to ****
And fight
And live
In a world of green
In a big sea of blue

I want to be free today
Shake loose my chains
And ropes
And tassels
That bind me
And keep me quiet

I want a good day
One that will make my heart flutter
And evoke a sweet smile
Across my hardened cheeks

Come here boy
Lay with me
Let our bodies twist into one
Let the grass grow outside our window
The one that we alone share
Let the wind throw force at our door
The one that keeps the bad out
And lets the good in

I want that big life
The one they call The American Dream
So let the sun fill the sky today
Let’s march arm in arm
Towards the mecca
And into the promise land

I like your smile
You know, the one
The smile you let loose
When you're feeling mischievous
When you're truly happy

Your eyes shine and glisten
So beautiful
So elegant

I wish you knew
I wish you could see it
Instead of standing in front of your mirror
Slouching and empty
Hating what he stole

I love it when you laugh,
scream and dance around
Like something wild and alive
Girl it's divine how fast you drink it down
Yell with out apologies

You say, do, feel
whatever you want to
Dancing stupidly and love,
with full heart
Don't lose it girl
All that greatness that you are
Will always be needed in a world like this

New heart
Old heart
Fused together so perfectly
The torn pieces
The frayed
All sewed and mended
But not new,
No they wouldn’t be, would they?

I am sitting here
At 9:39
At night
In the cold
Chilling silence
Of my childhood bedroom

A place of pain I forgot to abandon
And I’m feeling manic
Enraged and enticed
By foggy drunk memories
Of your soft tangly hair
In my mouth
And between my fingers

But this poem isn’t for you
My peach
My perfect pear
(but isn’t it always really
about you, my love?
Don’t you live forever
In the back of my mind?)
No
Not now, I won’t think
I can’t think
I’ll just watch the curser
Flashing curiously at the top of the page
And dwell on how unutterably
******,
my life has become

My life
With it’s twists and turns
It’s cruel little jokes
I am a punching bag for the universe
I am the teacher
The one the boys learn to be better from
Only to practice on soft
Untattered
Unbroken women

Those who can’t do
Teach
And I can’t do love.

You stepped in, you stepped out
but I didn't think it would end
not, this way
not in a way, that makes us enemies
makes me good and you evil
tears me apart
but leaves you
unscathed

But you weren't ready,
for a love like mine
your hollow bones couldn't bare the weight
of my heavy hardened heart
so you fled
and left me abandonded

Alone again,
I'm left trying to turn back the clock
on a love that was forgotten
while I wade patiently,
in a mess I made all on my own

There are places,
small niches and nooks in time,
where we retire to,
where we run away from,
and find ourselves in,
when we are lost.

You my love,
are my place.
My fuzzy dreamed melody,
and my home with out a name.

The air is warm in you,
and around you.
I fall into it with open arms,
and every time,
it catches me.

Sometimes,
which is to say,
most times.
I find myself in a heavy,
thick,
merciless fog.
I feel around blindly for my exit,
for my sweet escape.
I am lost,
and I have given up.

Hopelessness becomes me,
it consumes my soul,
for dinner,
and fills its belly on my failures.
Just before it is all over,
before I become black,
there is your hand.
Your quiet,
all-knowing offering,
to guide me back to the light,
and I am saved.

My lips are stained red from wine
My head is buzzing
A sweet kind of headache
The dizziness of being drunk

I lay still,
tapping my finger nails on the glass
Waiting, I'm always waiting
The darkened room, aglow
Small illumination from a muted television
Flashing colors, changed my surroundings

I am alive, aware
Balloons hang from the ceiling,
but there's no party in sight
Not here, not ever.

She dances and screams
With wild colors adorning her
Blood reds,
and royal purples

Her long hair falls across her back
and swings freely,
with every move she makes

Her big heart is open to all
It's like a neon sign that reads,
"Open for business"
It's humming is alluring,
and contagious
It always beckons them forward

She let's them climb in,
one after another
They feast on her love,
and stay beneath her breast,
sheltered from the storm

Some will nustle up into her,
and clean up before they go
Others may lay waste and tear her apart

But there she will stay
Still standing
Still loving
Still strong
She remains unafraid
Nothing can harden her heart.

Mine
was a happy soul.
A warm, yellow-orange
manifestation
which grew from God herself.

Brightness
an incendiary flame
begun from deep within
She started from a single drop of sunlight
and moved through this universe
tirelessly, waiting
for a way to get back.
She picked up blackness along the way.
Deep blues and heavy purples
dimmed her light
but still she shined
and her glow transformed.

This is when my soul
came to meet my body
and there they became
perfectly entangled
and equally united.

In this moment of saving grace
I am reborn again
I am healed from inward out.
I am together
I am not apart, or separate but equal
I am one.

I cry to the heavens
and allow my heart to escape my chest
to let it float about
untamed and unafraid.
My being has become illuminated
and quiet tears have made their happy debut
in my eyes
before cascading freely down my beaten face.

I am no longer woman
and I am no man
I am just
a being of God
hovering above my earthly body
in her good graces.

I can still remember
the silent chill of that december
when my body and soul,
I tried to dismember

I can hear it now,
my gentle crying
as I was desperately trying
to make a sound vow

I spoke through my tears
abandoned my fears
and knew I could never
look back at those years

And then like a gift from a dove,
life was put in my wake
as I prayed my soul to take
you answered with guidance from above

But oh, to hear the melody
such a heartfelt symphony
made me stop and tremble
and forced me to believe

That what moved inside my soul
was a rare, impenetrable force
and nothing less than greatest itself

I was dry
Laying on land breathing clean air
Bathing in radient light
But I got hot
I grew restless
I couldn’t take that bright sun

So I tried to take a quick dip
But I got carried away and took the plunge
Now I’m splashing helplessly
And the cold water’s stinging me
It’s covering me
And becoming me
Dragging me down
Deeper and deeper
Further and Further

Into the dark abyss
The hellacious unknown
I can’t reach the surface now
I’m continuously struggling
So I’ll give up and go down
Letting it take me
Becoming tangled in kelp
And I’ll bury my head beneath the sand

I’ll take one last look
Up at the sun I once knew
At the place where I once was

I’ll close my eyes
Let the darkness and engulf me
And let go.

Love isn’t for me
It’s dangerous to have
And even more menacing to keep
I am not meant for happiness
Not like that anyway
Man
Woman
Tongue in cheek
Tangled together like a **** pretzel
Whispering broken “I love you’s”
In between hot breathy moans
Belonging to someone else who actually deserves me
Is unheard of
That’s just too much goodness
And purity has never done me justice
I need pain to love myself
I have to feel real to create beauty
And to feel real I have to be present
The kind of presence you only feel after you’ve been down on the floor
Stepped on
Kicked at
And knocked aside
Covered in mud and self-loathing
Manic highs and chipper chirping only form a distraction
From the work that makes me proud
From this sickening seed grows the most beautiful flower
And only beauty is true
Anger is the spark to my creative flame
And hate keeps it burning

As day fades to night,
I dream of your sweet nectar
Pinks and oranges,
from the sun's heavenly glow
It changes eloquently into deep,
deep purples,
like a fresh bruise
Clean and round on my backside,
from a drunken fall,
and too many laughs,
that were red and yellow
and full of life

You're the face in my sleepy moon,
that hangs clumsily in the sky
and dances with the stars

The cicadas sing me to sleep
and their buzzing rises up,
from the cool moist earth,
to join the warm night air

Laying still on the cool grass,
brings the fire flies near
and I laugh with them,
as you whisper in my ear
and start the storm between my legs

Those hot summer nights,
keep me smiling
and restore me to life

We sat still on the moist concrete,
with our backs against her red saturn
Surrounded by the summer's heat,
smoking cigarettes

We held on to the smoke,
in our lungs
Breathing in deeply,
letting it out smoothly

We laughed and talked about all things,
mostly the stories of our mothers' youth
Comparing and contrasting it to our own

It didn't matter what the hour was,
or how much time we wasted sitting there
All life is, is wasted time
Even if nothing profound happened in our lives,
we would be content with it
Even the dullest moments,
when looking back seem great
Because they are ours,
and we keep them alive in our hearts,
by retelling them

When life is all a bunch of nothing,
then nothing in life matters
We can do whatever makes us smile,
and fills us with happiness

There are no certainties and no permanents
Everything changes,
but everything is nothing

This is not meant to upset you dear,
nothing is not a sad thing
Nothing keeps us content,
nothing sets us free,
and nothing can keep us apart.

So here we lay,
in the valley of unrest
Broken, bare, and waiting
in perpetual loneliness

But could it be,
that you're unlike me?
and this soul
is but a distant memory?

That splays open,
my body,
my womb
that darkens my heart,
my cage,
my tomb.

I can wake up real early
Get myself out of bed,
all on my own
paint on my smile
and wipe away my tears

but not today,
today is for rest

I can sit at my desk
and stare at the screen
make it look real
and impressive
play professional like a big girl

but not today,
today is for creating

I can sleep
without tossing and turning
and dream sweet dreams
that last the whole night through

but not tonight,
tonight is for remembering

I can love
you, like a king
to my queen
I can hold you close
and make your pain dissapate
into nothingness
until there's nothing left at all

but not with this heart,
this heart is meant to stay broken

It's coming,
and on the edge of my heels
I can sense it
and I know what it feels like

I've got to run
things are too easy,
too simple and suburban,
this life's too apple pie for me

I think I'm masochistic
I've got a constant need for pain
even when it's not there
I'll go find it
or it'll come looking for me

Because it's on the precipice of greatness
that darkness will be lurking
to hit and spit
and pull the rug from under me.

They're just words
Written in pen on clean paper
Whispered gently, and
thrown around
Unraveled, untangled
Untranslated thoughts

Symbols placed together
Neatly, thoughtfully
Clustered and chaotic

But these "words" set me free
They take away the pain
**** the poison from the bite
And make me sane
Keep me healed
And soothe my head
That buzzes and churns

Words clear the clouds from my sun
They make me who I am

When I'm lost in the dark city
Lips pressed to the bottle
Short skirt and,
cigarette smoke
Words guide me back
Writing makes me remember
The little girl I hide away

She stared wildly at the phone
She had never felt so hungry
Or had been more aware of being alone
I pondered in dim moonlight
Where was next she would stay
But as I stopped to listen
She continued to walk slowly away

I sat among the cicadas
Serenading each other in time
I closed my eyes and played pretend
Wishing that they were mine

Nothing is worth fighting for
For that is what they’ll say
Because listening to the crying willows
Is all that will drown out the day

I galloped to a clearing
One bathing in sweet sun
And I sat again and pondered
Just how the west was won

Is it silly for me to spend my days
In sweet and empty solitude?
Or am I just greater than the rest
Pardon me for being so rude

I know my day has come along
And for that I am full of life
This will be my greatest song
Which I will sing even through strife.

I need to put this down in words
So that one day it will have meaning
And it will never be forgotten
Because I will never lose the feeling
Of being lost
Scared
And cold
With out you there, by my side

I push my makeup around my face
Moist with tears
And soaked with sweat
This is what love does
It hurts
And it takes
Loving is like feeding a beast
Whose belly never fills

Sickness
All day and from nowhere
Something foreign
Disrupting my body
My day and my life
It doesn’t belong to me
And it never will

Fear
And the realization that I am alone
Chase away my numbness
Keep me in the present
Persistently filling my lungs with air
Air that’s cold and unforgiving
Loveless
Like me

Strength comes from a deep place
Somewhere hidden from view
A place whose existence I was unaware of
It startled me
And left me stable
Standing alone on straight legs

Laying tense
Cold
Solid on the table
Dressed in slippery wax paper
It was taken
Ripped from me
And I let them have it
Left to walk away
As half
Of what I once was

A little more beaten down
A bit more defeated
A cold shell of a bitter girl
Helpless and mad as a hatter
Screaming inside
And running wildly
In a still stiff stance

Where’s my power now?
Did they take that too?
Or did I just hand it over
Again
Giving up too easy
And leaving too soon