Today I realized that I cannot picture your face
I am forgetting things about you as time goes on
I have tried to find you in a song my throat burns
From yelling the lyrics hoping to hear your voice
I thought I found you at a party just last week
In a boy who parted his hair the way you did
But my body felt even colder pressed next to his
I am tired of waking up in a panic with my hand
clutching the sheets from your side of the bed
I snuck up to my mind to find any memories of you
But only found empty boxes with your name
I have heard my crying sound so foreign to me
That I have been startled silent late at night
Sometimes I want to crawl out of my own skin
To lie in the small of my back caressing  fingerprints
you have left behind so that I may feel you one last time
just one last time

Haunted by rejection
Caged by your selfishness
Your forceful restraint of love
Knocking the air from my lungs
Without having to throw a single punch

Surrounded by star-kissed love
Reminding me of that which you refuse
That which I have refused myself
Why did I settle for this emptiness?

My heartbeat for you lessened
Each unanswered text, every forgotten call
No time made up for those tears
The loneliness that came, nothingness

Your crass words
Lightning to my gut
Crevasse-like holes you created in me
Never quite filled by drunken nights

Those words, assuming and pompous
As if you knew my heartache
Arrogant and pretentious
Downplaying the sound of my heart
Pretending you know me
Like you ever tried to know me

I was daring, courageous
Not circumventing vulnerability
Unrelentingly, unashamedly
Convinced
How worth it we are
How worth it I am

How dare you say
"Make love to me"
As if I haven't been trying this whole time
Every second I was with you
Yearning for that love in return

Your quiet rejection inflamed my heart
Creating in me a fire
Anger masked as butterflies
I thought "if only"
If only I try harder
Then
Then you will see
How beautiful it could be

Could have been

Carried sorrow her brow.
Unnoticeable till now.
Sadness dulls her features.
Misunderstood creature.
Framing within life.
Violent as knife.
Actions less planned.
Make no more stand.
Time for rest.
Deeply guessed.
Pain flows.
Tears show.
Pawn.
Gone.

the rapid fire
of electric
pragmatic
wonderful
heavy
breath

on my
neck
ears
lips

hands
gripping
groping
teasing

hips
pushing
thrusting
grinding

chest
pressing
holding
panting

lips
*******
biting
kissing

oh but his eyes  
they
were
fixed
on me
the
whole
time.

I am twisted.
As self-inflicted
fissures
crack
from all the pressure
that fizzles within,

not from soda or gin
but from my growing discontent
as I contend
with this trend
Of infantilizing
women and men,

this categorizing
everything improperly
for the sake of comfort,
consistency, and certainty
labeling things
that need no label
instead of just letting beautiful things
be complicated and interesting.

Tonight I talked with God
It had been quite some time

I really wasn't sure why
Then I realized the talks ended
When I began imagining my own end
Because why acknowledge the creator
If I thought his work was ****
I refused to commit  

I refused to talk to a God
That might hear my prayer
Something shallow
While souls are extinguished
Wars are waged on innocents
And their prayers sure as hell
Weren't heard

But Tonight I talked with God
I'd given up on waiting
On place-holder euphemisms
"God isn't surprised"
"This happened for a reason"
"You just need to pray more"
"God shuts a door...
"He'll open a window"
**** your window
The only reason that window exists
Is so people like me can jump
Right out of your life

Tonight I talked with God
I yelled
I screamed
I cried
And asked for reasons why
I said it was okay to be alone
If he would just get off his throne
Every once in a while
And meet me in this ******* pile
Of suffering that I find myself in

They say that if you lie with dogs
You'll rise with fleas
If that's the case, I'll scratch
As much as I please