Like a diamond unbreakable
His districtiveness was stronger
Than the fragile fibers
Of his consciousness
That only reminded him
Of his weakness
He liked himself as a snake
Warming against
Someone else's angst
Gradually fueling its heat

On the night when
A thousand lions waived into the velvet
Of a cold winter sky
Seized their roar succumbing
To the call of ever hungry
Thanatos the ruler of all
I saw wolves pupils
That like solar eclipse
Imprinted onto the very fabric
Of my sleepless eyes
Hunted they looked
And void of meaning
Yet searching
And with a tug of some
Greater force
I fell into faith of a
Greater purpose
Something never ending I could not comprehend
And with a wordless howl it spoke
Of poisoned fields that saved him from starvation
Of mad coyotes that either bit or never saw him
Never part of the pack
Pretend nurtured in his fantasy
By barking scavengers
He turned into mythical wolf gods
At a whim simply to make the hell beautiful
So he fell under and crawled
Wormlike he condemned the self
To preserve the only world
The saddest tale that he only half believed
And a she crawled he ate only
The fallen berries and those worms
That felt all too familiar
And yet the wolf he was
And to prove he broke into a howl
Magnificent desperate powerful
Like anything he could have been
Inside the simple sound composed of
All that was left of the predators heart
And it glistened in the moonlight
Like the brightest star
He never learned to see
Within himself
And suddenly the word
Replaced the howl
As he coughed throwing up
The story he could not contain
Of darkness and death that filled his ribcage
And suddenly the howl subsided
The only anchor for the yet not lost
Piece of heart
That anchored his damaged spirit to reality
And what did my ever so loved
Sensitive self
Had to say to the true torment
How could I not feel guilty of
His loss
How could a cold embrace of my curiosity
Be worth the void of beauty
In this hopeless creature
Ever hurting
Ever eager to prove me wrong
For hope hurts more than sarcasm
That nothing of value was all there was
Of this shattered broken now voiceless heart
And what did I have to share of my own
But to expose petty sentiments
The raw sensations of self-proclaimed spectator
All my truth brought on nothing but
His contempt
What was there of value
In all this staring
Under the starless blanket
Of the cold night sky
Pointless was to continue
So I stepped away
To where it could not see
And while some things never change
Some things loose their meaning
I now listened to his howl
As it emerged
One day again into existence
Where I was not as much

How can I open the window shut by fear
Let in the air of humanity
Into the stifling chamber filled with rage
How can I speak my heart you
Precious human behind the lens painted domino
You who believes in survival
At the hand of this sorting machine
Where you hid yourself
You whose strength I admire
Your generosity and loyalty
Makes me feel at home
Your warmth and mine
Gives out he same heat
Embrace me,
Hide me from cold indifference
We paint the masks
With patterns of truth and real
Yet still you are hidden
Behind a the mirror glass
Standing next to you
I reflect the hate of my complexion
And your ever so hurt
History
Will never allow me
To belong

...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
******* i ******* hate you right now
Addendum: don't you dare show up anywhere near me, I'll spit into your ******* face, *****!

I feel humanity
Seeping through your pupils
Filling me with that one
Most craved feeling
The only drug I would
Go to the end of the earth
To inject
The unity of two soles
In the small place of momentary
Intersection
I held you in my thoughts
And now in this singular
Eternity of a minute
I struggle to hold my tears
For there is nothing more important
For my soul than
to hold yours
In this unique moment
That will never repeat again

Letting go of the mind control
On a long exhalation
And allowing your body
To merge with the forces
Of nature
To realize their true nature
To move, breathe, see all that
Was created long before
Humanity
How ******* beautiful

Let the whole world go to
Bits of narcissistic appraisals
Thumbs ups and shares
Plenty followers to
Cover up a sense of isolation
They wish would fill the hole that
Seems too scary to explore
And I...
I just can't stop looking into it
Each and every day
And it fills me with
Dread, mystery and light
Of some other kind
That only monks see well
I was never like them
But always wished to find
That place I would
Finally belong to  
Somewhere at the edge
Of a morning leaf
Where dew drop
Is about to fall

Tis that beyond the clouds that
Never left the sky above my head
The drop of rain I felt in dream
Read in a book, sung in a song
Not knowing still I sing along
A dream of life to ever wilting
I swear I'd punch a hole
In ray of light inside my soul

I hope, though sooner I will quit
A shot of whiskey to the inner kid
Still looking for escape I pray
To bitter ending void of *******

Through all the poetry you spill
Like smoke that's meant to keep me chill
I didn't listen to your hissing
I know better I know better
I keep it bitter to keep me sane
Your eyes speak to my soul
I turn away to keep me whole
No one is allowed in this unity
Of me and my mutiny
I keep it bitter to keep me sane

You know it's beyond control
When I feel loved
The end comes to it all
I quit

You hit me once
I hit you back
You gave a kick
I gave a slap
You smashed a plate
Over my head
Then I set fire to our bed

You hit me once
I hit you back
You gave a kick
I gave a slap
You smashed a plate
Over my head
Then I set fire to our bed

My black eye casts no shadow
Your red eye sees no blame
Your slaps don't stick
Your kicks don't hit
So we remain the same
Blood sticks, sweat drips
Break the lock if it don't fit
A kick in the teeth is good for some
A kiss with a fist is better than none
Whoa a kiss with a fist is better than none

Broke your jaw once before
I spilt your blood upon the floor
You broke my leg in return
So let's sit back and watch the bed burn
Blood sticks sweat drips
Break the lock if it don't fit
A kick in the teeth is good for some
A kiss with a fist is better than none
Whoa a kiss with a fist is better than none

You hit me once
I hit you back
You gave a kick
I gave a slap
You smashed a plate over my head
Then I set fire to our bed

You hit me once
I hit you back
You gave a kick
I gave a slap
You smashed a plate over my head
Then I set fire to our bed

Slippery confusion is all there is sometimes
When you look at life as something
That is supposed to make sense
Drown it in liquor or cover with kisses
Only that which is unfelt
Can be truly controlled

As fire crackles emitting
A pleasant aroma ever so
Comfortable
Long ago I remember
The scent of lonely freedom
When transcending the feeling
Was the best high I could
Reach and oh how liberating
Now from day to day I scrape just enough minutes
For a quick scetch,
A few notes on my old piano
Maybe a poem or two
Your words that almost always
Sound like I knew them already
From some strange long ago
People I meet hugs I share
Puzzles I solve
Guidance I give
Presence with their spirit
I am living but
Spirit of adventure
Creativity
Freedom
Bravery
Still make me cry
As if I missed something
I was born to achieve

Take care take very good care
As the sun rises and the steps
Fall into an all too familiar
Pattern
With all the comfort you could ask for
Take care take very good care
Responsibilities and love entangled
Food and drink,
Butts to wipe,
Cheeks to kiss
Love to instill,
Rainbows and heros
I see them all in the hopeful eyes
My myssion
Take care take very good care
Of all who open the door
To ask for a hug and share their story
Noting is more precious than trust
Those genuine moments of being needed
Shared warmth only adds to
The fire of livelihood inside
Take care take very good care
Of the one who cares most
Who provides food, love, faith and advice
Despite anger and frustration
Don't ever forget the weight of worries
On his responsible shoulders
Don't forget to give back
Even though he never asks
Take care take very good care
Of the familiar spirit that always
Keeps company
The world never felt full enough without
The knowledge there is another mind
So connected so felt so conflicted so different
Take care take very good care
And be always grateful

Waters of two oceans crushing
Wave against the wave
Merging into a chaotic current
Spinning into a vortex
Two hands reaching for each other
Losing the sense of skin
Pulled underneath each other's
Lethal boundaries feeling
Feeling stronger
Yet stronger
And then no more
Eyes like waves crashing against each other
And finding no bottom
This is a free fall out of
Anything which can be controlled
The love isn't love
When it calls for a mirror image
Longing cannot be filled
By cutting out pieces of each other
That don't suit the reflection
The desire to get lost in another
Is the ultimate danger

I have a hole in my thank you pocket
Thank Yous leak through or just evaporate
Leaving an empty pointless feeling
There's nothing to hold on to
But a plain cold fist
Maybe I failed them all

Small boat with two names
Cutting the waves gliding
Always doubting its direction
In the light of day
Failing feeling written on the golden side
Strangest of names as if
Doomed is the cause
And with a sense of cause
It floated on allowing itself
To be moved by the waves
Sipping an everlasting
Cocktail of faith and doubt
So bland in the sun
In the storm she was something different
Powerful and persistent
She turned into a Warrior
Powerful enough to hold oneself
Within the strength to give hand to another
To dare step outside the line
Compulsively to disengage with
Each and every prescribed pattern
Unfelt
So much energy in the storm
So alive and engaged
And at the light of day tearing at seams
From comfort of warm summer waters
Conflicted boat waiting for the right moment
Of illumination to match
The inner urge to dive deeply

Through the blue tone
Of my deadened layers
The life leaked so simply
Disappearing into the pool of
Emptiness and rage
Into the eyes
That knew no gratitude
The bottomless fall into
Meaninglessness
And yet through the lucidity of this phantasy
Faith persisted to survive
Uncomprehancibly
Unverbalized
The sound of a dead crow
Prophesizing there is more
Than mind can comprehend
Worlds yet to be discovered
Inspirations and souls to be awakened

Erase myself to experience
And though the leaf looks so
Divinely alive and at one with the sun
Without aching there is no poetry

drawn inside the mysterious wind
never friendship but string that keeps pulling
cage is empty the bird stopped to sing
small dull uninspired feeling enduring
disconnection that kills most painfully
only presence fills in the cracks
so I sip from the cup of confusion
drawing truth from the chilling abyss
gathering scattered beads of your thoughts
into a warm pouch of my mind
hoping to string them all back together
one day
but ****, those slippery things

Down the line
You stumble over
Stumble under
Uninspired
Always
Crawl along the border
Limitation borderline

Other side
You're undeserving
Of the better
Served yesterday on the
Sorrow platter
Bitterness grows
Negative space
Devouring and expanding
Pulsating void

From
Within
Emptiness devoid of
Meaning;
From
Without -
The world
Is waiting
To be included

Cuddle with a raven
Will you?
Beak and beady eyed
Sorrow on the pillow
It sprawls into
Distorted shapes of
Unpredictable uncertainty
Inner sense hasn't faltered for
Many moons, or did it?
Perhaps the thought of
Snoozing with a danger
seems thrilling
But wish for the encounter -...

Double sided like connection
The flight of hands interlocking
At the juncture of responsibility
For the sake of what matters
You promised not to let go
I trust you wholeheartedly
Hero from the start
I will not let you down unless
I wish to let go of my essence
In it together
I am responsible for where my hand leads you
You are willing to give more than you should
So I lay my weaknesses plain in sight and I
Don't let you fall into their trap
For they are but my own
And I do not wish to I abuse the love
That should never be taken for granted

Some things are here to stay
And when you know they need you
That is when you're bound to them forever
Through busy days and hustling cities
The meaning of it all
Universal
Ultimate
True

If unknown is felt more
Than what is known
If recognizing our past lives
In a momentary smile
Leads to discovering the worlds
You know you knew
Without a reason
Shall we really be so fearful
Of the dark abyss that will
Swallow our temporary shell
Only to place us back in the game
Yet again

Fragile illusion
I hang off the cliff
Of my dream
For a solid ground
But sea is everywhere I see
And it didn't leave its storms
Up to me
And the beautify and terror of it
Separated only by
The faint line of my vitality
And it's eternal unstable
Massive permanence
Tomorrow I will crave
For direction
Today
I am but a speck
Carried by the
Waves
Feeling their briny kisses
On the surface of my
Scared skin
Unless I chose to tear my eyes
Away from the blue
And dive
Towards the darkness
Of it all

In between the Milky Way and the black holes
Of the universe inside of this ever expanding mind
Growing only to see itself ever smaller
Humbled truth feels the most
Adoring
The fragile perfection of sparkles inside the morning dew
And the mind flows in all directions and thoughts
So random but in this infinite state
Logic is only a string you use to control the
Beads of experience and sometimes it helps
And in other times you get a glimpse
Of something unfathomably familiar
And you know that no matter how much Blessings you gathered in life
Without a contact it left an empty space
Or was it there since before the beginning
What DO I know in fact that cancels the
Clarity of the feeling that through a sideways
Glimpse I captured a snapshot of home
In the strangest of places
All this rumbiling cacophony of worlds
Yet again fails to explain
The absence of logic in something
That is beyond logic for it is
The meaning
And despite it all
Life goes on
You play your part
The way you must
The way you feel
And you still know so little
Feeling the truth on the periphery

Did I forget to be your therapist?
Perhaps after I get that check
In my mail
I will apologize
Profusely

To inhale and release
Or to excercise and be an adult
Maybe to write the list of chores
So I can pretend I am an adult
While rebelling against it
Maybe inhale and go to gym
Oh... but then I'll be tied in knots
From sweaty dudes looking at me
It makes me angry
Worse off when they start talking to me
Why do they get me so angry?
Why did that narcissistic *** gay colleague of mine
**** me off so much - I know that beach is competitive
But I thought our cause should make us a little
Bigger than weighing ourselves on the scale of
Who is the most popular
I used to think highly of him
Now I got a little war going on
And there is even something satisfying about it
My other colleague stupidly aligned with
The gay ***** so I showed her a little dramma
You know - a heartbroken kind of drama
Oh she felt so bad, following me all doggy eyed
**** her she deserved it
I was actually kind to her
Now she feels like ****
Because she's been bullied most of her youth
And it's hard to flip from victim into an *******
Many things make me angry
Thinking about getting angry makes me angry
I shall inhale
Goodbye

Rare moment
Found myself
At a loss of words
That angry outbursting
Satan anarchy heavy metal
Type of kid always a trouble
Spreading red paint all over the place
Like someone got killed
Many time in a raw
Burst into a story of abuse
And then to my astonishment
"I love you"
Then went red from shame
I felt so sorry for him
I wished I could say something encouraging
But I think I failed
I just stood there somewhere close
And continued talking to him
As I felt his shame and anger
And **** did I feel like I failed!
At least he didn't leave

...Mother called her...
Oh so skinless
Bare wire of emotion
Fragile like a matchstick
If it won't burn it'll break
All sinks in I am a pool
Leave me with a drop of poison
Or a cup of tea
It will all concoct into something
Too hard to taste through expectation
And for a while, the aftertaste will
Linger on the surface
Infusing this consciousness with a sheer
Hint of momentary
Sorrow
Naked still, container
For everything besides that
Silly old
Yes you,
Despair
My dear frenemy
How do I know you so well
Growing up so warm and overfed?
Leave my spirit be
With the homeless ones
They know you just the way
That I could only feel
They are me
But with a valid reason
Now surface hardened with
The pity for those
Running from their reflection
Let haters spit away
I love your truth
In hell or heaven
Hand in hand with
Itchy insecurities
They feel a lot
And then we cuddle

The choice between going on or circling around
Spins around the same age long question
To let the fear run the course
Of life destined to end
As you are fearful and small
Or to conquer your destiny
As you fear
Always in the back of your humanity
And none of it comes down to
Anything primitive at all

There was something upset in the air
Perhaps a hint of lacking responsibility
Perhaps a prideful lock on the apology
Or the cawardly pretence that a tweet into the
Faceless abyss
Could suffice as an excuse for a major
**** up
And when the lungs got used to this foggy quality
Forecast said the sun was shining all along
And the failure was everyone else's fault
But if I hold on to the chain of events
It leads me to the same dumpster I remember
Crawling out of
When the night was still fresh
Accepting it, I
Neither talk to it nor pretend it smells like roses

Throwing a bomb at you
Through a wall of best wishes
For your wellbeing and healthy diet

Flame not to put off
But direct
Or dust it up with some coke
Until it only grows
And I am a ******* dragon now
And I will **** you just with my silence

Feeling it with every fiber
Existence and emotion
Calling to escape through vibrations flowing
From your heart and through your mouth
Unnecessary... defend... keep this tender reality
Where it won't be offended
Boundary and self-respect
Must find each other somewhere
On the pages of this year's calendar

Forgive those who ask for forgiveness and let go of those who hold tight to their ego and fear. Let things flow in their natural direction

Merry Christmas
Have a drink
To giving without receiving
For nothing feels better
Than sharing your humanity

Sipping seconds like drops of ache
Unsettling simultaneously as they
Fill in the void of the moment
Fulfill the prophesy of the long gone
And never remembered by mind alone
Stupid so so stupid - the mind says
So we flip the protective switches
And bury the dreadful thoughts
Because there is something bigger
Greater meaning that begs to be enveloped
As years pass with the same consistency
Of a rational psychosis
Just step off a cliff
And suppose you will learn to fly
Leave it up to faith

Be cautious when delving into the bottomless abyss of the unknown
Of the ever unpredictable oceanic being
The dolphin you love dearly will not save you from a shark
And who are you to say the ocean must change
So you may immerse your life into its
Force of nature complexity
It's wisdom and destructive power are inseparable
And be you a marine biologist fascinated by the depths of the oceanic complexity
Or a child drawn by the colors of the coral reefs
Or a fisherman seeking sustenance to his spirit
Or a mermaid from Starbucks at Port Authority
Or a witch particularly evil when interlocking fingers with two main sources of her livelihood
All the same the ocean will not adopt
To your capacities to withhold it
So shall you dive?
Even if you hear its echo in the back of your mind
From the moment you open your eyes
To the last waking thought

LS:   This place is desolate
Where darkness ***** at your pupils
And infuses your lungs with a cocktail
Of cold and despair
Amongst the mistletoe and bells ringing
You hear a quiet echo of
Isolation that has no shape
Unexplained, ever mysterious
Fearesome lack of a vital link
To hold your feet down on the plane
Familiar to countless faceless strangers
And familiar faces alike
Where willingly you could join
In a silly dance around the circle
Outlined many spiraling ages ago
And feel at ease and ONE

And to the sound of choral
I could fly up with crows
And see it all from
Unattainable
High
Up there in the milky clouds
But
Nature is so uniformally ordered and
Strange as it is no law contains
This spirit so eager to escape

WW: I hear the darkening silence echo
And drone in the northwood stillness.
The forest treetops lurching south
Into the memory of sunlight
Crowns bending unbroken,
Grasping unspoken,
To behold the waning daylight

While the spell of darkness cast deprives,
It opens up the craving soul

This is the naked truth,
This is the light
Oozing from graying monotone
Spilling from cracks between the pause,
Betwixt the shapeless lines of poetry’s refrain …

For life is not a work of art,
The colour a fleeting moment cannot last
And the paradise of going somewhere else
Still so far away

wildish

Every moment there is a possibility
A slim chance of reality turning
Upside down and inside out
So all your expectations
Run down the sink hole
Living you dry and small
Taking a moment
One breath at a time
Expecting nothing
But living sharply in the moment
There is no control
Only complex mosaic
Of emotions and sensations
So when I look into your eyes
I don't seek perfection
But connection that
Only giving in to life
Can produce
And so I feel

When smallness sinks in
On a grey morning dawn
And though the light blinds
Shadows only linger
And the mirror is only a proof
Of futility that is
This slowly subsiding
Existence without an imprint
That feels deep enough to prove
The value of your weight
On the surface of this earth
The gradual countdown into oblivion
And memories of victories
Feel like a fraud
A mistake to never be repeated
When words are swallowed
Raising up like bubbles
Only to pop on the surface
Unable to reach another ear
And ice wall between me and the other
Is ever present and the cold
Sinks into my bones
That feeling of being present elsewhere
That unknown inescapable place
That spreads its roots through your whole being
And it's tendrils rip through your rib cage
To expose the constrained aching heart
So much feeling
Yet so frozen
So deeply felt
Yet silent
So isolated
Yet connecting in an instance
An alien in its deepest sense
Since the birth of the first thought
Always not quite fitting
Dreading to fit

So strange how language can fall apart
Like pieces of a broken puzzle,
Double sided and colored by
Trust or lack of it,
Love or fear
Strange is a word
All perceive from a window
Of their own unique bubble
So when peering outside we are still
Split atoms of a mass
That has no certainty
It ever existed

Thank new day for the change
Thank moment for curious uncertainty
Thank body for the will to comfort and be comforted
Thank history for a key to life without mistakes
Thank water and air for connecting all that is alive
Thank those who love us for recognizing our essence
Thank death for teaching me the meaning of life
Thank truth for keeping me on track
Thank sky for the first snow
Thank hearth for the crackling blaze and mysterious beautify of danger
Thank future for the image of possibility
Of that which might never happen
But is always possible

Does sand evolve
Into a millions pieces of
Bits of cosmos and our consciousness
Intermixed with dozens of generations
Of feet drowned into
A physical experience of this
Moment
Firmly planted in this
Coolness surrounded by the
Salty inhalations of
Something so alive it pains
One thing I wish for is
To
Feel

True change flows from acceptance
The hardest of lessons it blinds you
With its brutal starkness
So you confuse the light of truth
With the pain in your eyes
Fear of reality shuts doors
So alone you sit in the darkness
In the grim fantasy of your immodest
Boastful but in reality desperately frightened
Illusion
Molding your memorial out of suffering
Pointlessly convinced that only destruction
Could prove that you are still alive
Although you'd be the first one to disbelieve
Because you are simply terrified
To live

Frustration tinckling burning stretching
Boundaries unknown forlorn chocking
Safety net safety run from it run towards it
Run somewhere then stand still and smell
Roses stones grass manure ozon after the rain
Face down into mud wet dusty thick lick it
Power of random existence with only an
Unexplainable draw of some strange kind
The kind of kindness or despair inexplicable
My arms outstretched to merge into your
Sorrow
I feel alive in it I float and see the light and
Open the window to let the air in
Then exhausted I crash and forget who was it
I was supposed to be

I fantasize my memory
As a souvenir to feed undying hope
Thinning and fragile but
Ever present until darkness
Devours the last rays of
Sunlight and I become earth
There is no truth in the reality
Of a mind that lacks purpose
There is no logic in the reality
Of faith

There's a lady who's sure all that glitters is gold
And she's buying a stairway to heaven.
When she gets there she knows, if the stores are all closed
With a word she can get what she came for.
Ooh, ooh, and she's buying a stairway to heaven.

There's a sign on the wall but she wants to be sure
'Cause you know sometimes words have two meanings.
In a tree by the brook, there's a songbird who sings,
Sometimes all of our thoughts are misgiven.

Ooh, it makes me wonder,
Ooh, it makes me wonder.

There's a feeling I get when I look to the west,
And my spirit is crying for leaving.
In my thoughts I have seen rings of smoke through the trees,
And the voices of those who stand looking.

Ooh, it makes me wonder,
Ooh, it really makes me wonder.

And it's whispered that soon, if we all call the tune,
Then the piper will lead us to reason.
And a new day will dawn for those who stand long,
And the forests will echo with laughter.

If there's a bustle in your hedgerow, don't be alarmed now,
It's just a spring clean for the May queen.
Yes, there are two paths you can go by, but in the long run
There's still time to change the road you're on.
And it makes me wonder.

Your head is humming and it won't go, in case you don't know,
The piper's calling you to join him,
Dear lady, can you hear the wind blow, and did you know
Your stairway lies on the whispering wind?

And as we wind on down the road
Our shadows taller than our soul.
There walks a lady we all know
Who shines white light and wants to show
How everything still turns to gold.
And if you listen very hard
The tune will come to you at last.
When all are one and one is all
To be a rock and not to roll.

And she's buying a stairway to heaven.

T'is a speechless season
It's wind is blowing under your doubt
Catching off guard
T'is a season of I don't know whys
And marterdom fantasies
And panicky waves
And calm ice through my veins
And the fear is fought on the surface
Though underneath is still
And speechless or pressured, carriage is carrying you
Along of the road of acceptance

Quiet whispering of anticipation
Like sweat covering the anxious thought
Tomorrow taking over present
What if the balance will never be found?
That other universe of mind
Unattainable vulnerability asking
For a slow dance on tip toes
Around and around and around once more
Averting the eyes not to step
On the soft spot void of essence
It is a chess game and at fault will be
The one who chose no role
Can't pave your way with honesty and kindness
Lost track of thought behind all the
Butterflies and bonfires in my stomach
The sudden heat of anger escaping
My face yet almost always unnoticed
The invisible rascal that tricks my thoughts
And escapes riding the words
Spilling off my tongue and then
Swallowed back like a cup of poison
Meant to be shared
The protector of the world from myself
Is always me in the afterthought
Erasing adequacy for the benefit of
Insecure spectator
Into forgotten chapter
Of samsara
The soothing forever
Of insight
At the end of repetition