Something inexplicable swirling behind shatters
Of my mind thoughts mingling yet speechless
Confusing world of non existence in the midst of
Swirling universe that feels like living only because
It feels so deeply all else is complete confusion
As if covered by a blanket of non-reality as if the dream continued
Into a morning light dark and transparent
And dawning light brings no certainty
Tomorrow is up to fate and I will take it boldly as it comes
Let it run its course through the
Ever so spontaneous and tragically exposed myself
All I can know is what I sense
All else is shattered bits of meaning
Utterly intermixed everything
They call reality

Disturbed to my core
Worried about the colors of rainbow
Equality of love
Justice to see women and men for who they truly are
Despite their physical nature
Terrified for the ***** teenage girls
And their children born to be despised and abandoned
Hardworking imigrant parents
Poor starving civilians in Syria
And their children under the bomb attacks
Jails overflowing with innocent people
All the poor children who will fall through the cracks
Never cared for by neither parents nor the system
I am terrified that the world can be so affected
By nonsense proclamations
Of a narcissistic subhuman
To whom life is but a reality show
How the **** did this happen?

And after the storm,
I run and run as the rains come
And I look up, I look up,
on my knees and out of luck,
I look up.

Night has always pushed up day
You must know life to see decay
But I won't rot, I won't rot
Not this mind and not this heart,
I won't rot.

And I took you by the hand
And we stood tall,
And remembered our own land,
What we lived for.

And there will come a time, you'll see, with no more tears.
And love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears.
Get over your hill and see what you find there,
With grace in your heart and flowers in your hair.

And now I cling to what I knew
I saw exactly what was true
But oh no more.
That's why I hold,
That's why I hold with all I have.
That's why I hold.

And I won't die alone and be left there.
Well I guess I'll just go home,
Oh God knows where.
Because death is just so full and man so small.
Well I'm scared of what's behind and what's before.

And there will come a time, you'll see, with no more tears.
And love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears.
Get over your hill and see what you find there,
With grace in your heart and flowers in your hair.

And there will come a time, you'll see, with no more tears.
And love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears.
Get over your hill and see what you find there,
With grace in your heart and flowers in your hair.

Poison dripping off my chin
Little did I know when the words
Slipped off my lips
Little did I mean or maybe I did
In the darkness of unintentionality
My thoughts flow mixed with feelings
Unexpressed
The anger swallowed by compassion
Is a slow poison
And it overflows

Isn't it marvelous
This light ripe like a juicy orange
Filling the clouds with luminous presence
That feels like something
Beyond my comprehension
Simply sit at the root of the tree staring
At its rugged skin and bright flesh
Peering through the cracks
I sense its aliveness as blood
Flowing through my veins
Warm and real and finite
I press my cheek against it
Feeling its breath
As I inhale you exhale
Simple coexistence
Interdependence
That makes me cry

You are the backbone when I collapse
The blanket on a snowy day
My morning shower companion
Who feels like the extension of my skin
The smell of comfort on the pillow next to mine
When I wake up alone
My overstuffed feeding target
And the epicenter of my earthquakes
That I can neither resist nor withstand
The promise, faith, meaning and forgiveness
All in one person whom I could never lose

New day
I go with the flow
Of what feels Right
I cling to that truth
Which is bigger than my
Self

Gentle breeze engulfing every bit of
Sadness that was left it blew away
With the salt air and flocks of seagulls
Under the warmth of my children's palms
Loving heat the best of all things I ever created
Taking the moments one at a time and
Forever wishing to be more present
Yet feeling a tinkling of distant thought
The grey area of fatal uncertainly
Ever pulling in some ironeously
Self-destructive direction no amount of
Education could possibly eradicate
A glimps of the deadly silhouette the one
My insanity wished to befriend
She is here inexplicably near or is she not?
Was she ever not? that is a better way to place the question
Strange and creepling I know she is wishing
As maybe I am in some deep down irrational cave where
Fear decides to embody the joy of motherhood
Maternal towards that which never wished me well
By definition untrustworthy never proving me wrong
Yet in this vast sensory symphony by the sea
The attraction of my singularity to the core of all things
Is only beyond my comprehension
Yet forever existing in accord with some universal order
And I wish I saw her eyes

Sometimes it takes knocking down the tower
And clearing the rubble
Before the future could be built on its place
And the hardship it takes to see the misgivings
Taken as a second name - that is the definition
Of love not the sweet compliment to fill up
The empty space
Not the million empty likes to **** the day

Fear you cannot overcome
So you become fear
What an absurd paradox
Yet it is your life
Suffering immobility
Suffering cruelty
Suffering

Step forward?
But what if I fail
To fail on living again
I might have less hope
Then no hope
And the darkness
Will swallow
The rest

If you only could
Allow yourself to
Be who you truly are
You would not wish
To **** the world
Sad so very sad

Don't take me wrong
But
Starbucks
Chile
Mocca
Frappuccino
***

And if I die today I'll be the happy phantom
And I'll go chasin' the nuns out in the yard
And I'll run naked through the streets without my mask on
And I will never need umbrellas in the rain
I'll wake up in strawberry fields every day
And the atrocities of school I can forgive
The happy phantom has no right to *****
Oh who
The time is getting closer
Oh who
Time to be a ghost
Oh who
Every day we're getting closer
The sun is getting dim
Will we pay for who we been?

So if I die today I'll be the happy phantom
And I'll go wearin' my naughties like a jewel
They'll be my ticket to the universal opera
There's Judy Garland taking Buddha by the hand
And then these seven little men get up to dance
They say Confucius does his crossword with a pen
I'm still the angel to a girl who hates to sin

Oh who
The time is getting closer
Oh who
Time to be a ghost
Oh who
Every day we're getting closer
The sun is getting dim
Will I pay for who I've been, yeah?

Or will I see you dear and wish I could come back
You found a girl that you could truly love again
Will you still call for me when she falls asleep
Or do we soon forget the things we cannot see

Oh who
The time is getting closer
Oh who
Time to be a ghost
Oh who
Every day we're getting closer
The sun is getting dim
Will we pay for who we been?

One of those days
When agitation drives productivity
Up the wall and out through
Dark chimney
As little eye contact
As possible to continue breathing
Non stop doing not enough
While hanging somewhere in the air
With feet not grounded on the soil
That holds my truth
Was there ever a piece of land that did?
Gulping for a sense of belonging
Just like i did since long before anything
Started happening
So far away from the start
Yet held by the same forces
My best frenemies
That uncover
The illusion of being
When it does not come
From within
Pushing away the
Aliveness to be properly
Placed in the net of sameness
Normality of boredom
Oh how I hate it

A gentle warm pull inside my chest
When I look inside the eyes of your
Ever hopeful kin but oh how fragile
Still seeking just like I never stopped
Lucky the light at the end of the tunnel
Stubbornly refusing to be turned off
From the touch of brutal reality
An urgency to embrace you with all
There is in me to give everything
That constitutes my substance
In this very moment
And when you follow me only to
Know that I care I feel that I exist
Because yesterday or tomorrow are but ideas
It is only the NOW that truly matters
And it is the best feeling that I crave so much
To truly be present with your deep
Heartwarming
Humanity

Sullen irony of the estranged
Ever homeless always
Somewhere on the home bound trail
With a Phoenix of hope
Killed by day and reborn
Under a symphony of moon light
It never ends until
It's done and only time
Keeper knows when the clock strikes
The rhythm of your finale
So shall I  step from the shadow
To be or hide to be seen?

It hasn't been long
Since the universe made
It's last spin
That knocked you off your feet
In the midst of this sickening swirl
You reach for the door ****
Thinking you were held captive
In this life you called prison
All it took to escape
Was lifting your eyes
To merge with that
Which had no labels
No judgements, no yesterdays
And no promising
tomorrows
Just as you came you shall leave
And the only thing constant will be
The ever returning
Eye ******* blue
Above your head

**** was I ever involved into something
That felt a bit more meaningful
Than day after day after day spinning this wheel
Like a **** idiotic squirrel
But I sure can face paint for three hours
At some god forsaken block party
Simply not to engage into any shallow conversations
Eat a full meal
And get lice...
Yes, it wasn't a misspelled
Love
Could someone come scratch my head please?

Crickets' song is tickling my ear
As I immerse myself into a
Humid warm darkness
This star filled splendor
Embracing my every cell
So inseparably containing
And I share it with all
That is alive
I inhale the experience

What's there between the feeling
And the vast confusion it creates
Between the chest and teeth
Something stuck and bulging
Unnatural quivering of the vessels

And yet the meaning never faltered
And while I feel so small
Looking into the dark hole of
Never and ever
I still hold on to the thinnest possibility
Of seeing meaning behind those curtains

Talent is goddesses' weapon
I wasn't created a mirror to be pretty
Still much to learn but certain of this psychic
Vision
They say powerful yet
Feeing so fragile in the face of overcoming
Emotion that invades intermixed
Oh what a mess of feeing
Can't know my own from another's
When all I feel is you and me is a
Shadow on the background
Mere reflector that sees inside another
So unknown to myself
And ever lost

Yet my feet never stopped never strained
From the path on which
I knew only the direction
Of the next step
And now as never before
I am filled with faith
That what needs to happen will
Through you and me

“The greater the doubt, the greater the awakening; the smaller the doubt, the smaller the awakening.  No doubt, no awakening.”

It helped you to survive
Than overtook you
The only way back
Is learning to own yourself
And your body

Hello halo
Up there where I can't see
How absurd you become
In days like these
Or is it you naughty sense of humor?
Was I your mother
Would have put you to stand in the corner
For a few
Why give me a rational brain
To **** me
With emotions?
Would be better of as a fish
Or a bird
Not thinking not comparing myself
To the rest of my kind
My kind that was never truly
Mine
Why make me feel other people's feelings
Loosing myself beyond the point
Of no return
Thank you for my profession
Otherwise I'd be sharing the room with those I treat
How do you suggest I pull away?
From the mess of other worlds I feel inside
No one can understand but many believe...
And if that was not enough why this encounter
With shadow that will never leave
Strange fantasy that could not seize
As if a powerful storm that became my life
Something that sank down to the core
In an instant before I even realized
Yet storm would be easier to comprehend
Too much feeling and unexplainable
Knowing taking control
Over the remains of my poor rationality
That all I want lately
Is to switch it all off
Into oblivion

Crawling from underneath the
Power which cannot be owned
Nor contained an illusion obsession
A lethal compulsion and ever present
All absorbing shadow
You are engulfed and deformed
Power you could only wear but never fully
Possess

To stand up and carry yourself
Under the light of your truth
Faithfully catching reflection
Never escaping
The only way to liberate
Empowerment
Pure and transcending
So much more than power itself

Forever strangers like molecules
Bouncing off each other in directions
Similar or opposite often unpredictable
Often uncontrolled
So before the eternal chaos takes the molecules
Apart what was that you wanted to know
What was that you wanted to say
Before the world comes to an end

Question
Shame eyes overted sudden noise
Buzzing in the back of the brain
The hook is left hanging submerged in the water
Fogging the thoughts until they disappear
Words ran away at a thought of being spoken
Thoughts those complex layers of
Experience feelings impulses values
So much insight and potential
Running out the door
Atom by atom splitting hanging in the air above
Spoken sounds are escaping the tongue
Oh what a torture to be at a mercy of
Limitations
Unknowing and lost in the bubble with only self
And the gaping hole of loneliness
And everything unsaid

Through acceptance i find my way
To only that within the grasp
The truth begging to be said
When in no doubt
Or finding dignified peace in silence

Endless fight
What comfortable tension
I know your buttons
You produce exciting reactions
A child of war
Peace is only a word
Sinonimous with non existence
White dove that ate the olive branch
Too hungry for heavenly symbols
Indifference is the only
Impalpable flavor

Openness from within
Is bigger than commitment
It is a string
That connects you to all
To the energy of life
And the darkness of death
Like a wire that transmits energy
Openly
Created and delivered
Not to hurt
Not to punish
But to confirm the truth
Behind ones existence
Openness to trust the feeling
Inspired
And knowledge that it was there for a reason

I dream of falling without fear
Off the cliff of safety
Into the clouds of possibilities
That cover the bottom of this
Mysterious darkness
And on the way
I learn to dare and at last hear
True sound of my voice
Certain as never before
I'm alive indeed
To scream of that which
Never left the prison
Of my mind
Embracing those who hear
With open power
Gift to those who stayed behind
Not calculate my steps
Not count my words
To be squarely in the middle
Of that which I cannot feel
Do not belive
I recognize
The voice of truth
When tears hurt my eyes
When urgency to run or grasp
Overwhelms me out of my frozen casket
Not like anyone else
I breathe and see and feel
Presence of those
Who make my soul vibrate
With deepest notes
Worth all the darkness
All sadness
I ever knew
To feel so deeply
No reason can comprehend
But unavoidably I recognize
My destiny on the way to the bottom
When my body
Will breathe no more
But in the last second of my flight
I knew I lived
And loved as hard as I had strength to give
Of myself, inside out

Didn't think Xenophobe was
A compliment few things I despise
More, like smallness for one narcissism and shallowness for another
Always felt a little black and a little homeless
Hardly ever seen from the first glance
They think it's snobbish I call it zoned out
I like it there in my space where your
Predictable logic has no place to be
They think judgemental when
Under an honest stare
They poor out their truths
Expecting I must like Jesus give them love
And answers
How could I ever lose touch with words?
So articulate you say. I go mute but you will never know.
But all you wish to know is a stereotype
A pretty tale that puts more value
On your price tag
Nothing you knew
Nothing you will ever know
For all you see is your own
Limited empty reflection

Happy
Must be exhilarated so lucky
So loved and cherished
So devoted and not without
Some wisdom of that which is all
Spark once penetrating the vision
Yet darkness was ever present
Years after years night and day
Same color of despair
Only a feeling
But powerful enough
To drive you mad
So darkness is all you wish
To surround yourself with
Only to feel at home

Take it easy
Enjoy
The senses
Have hope
For people
Believe

Purely clear purely fresh purely innocent
Pure ignorance of a child
Or beastly wish to fill oneself with love
If pure love feels so innately undeserved
Purely seduced into the world of shadows
For the pure desire to be cared for
To the brim throught the roof
And into the pitch dark smog
Surrounded by pure darkness
Breathing it pure, undiluted
Except maybe...
Purity of intentions
Every day is a new attempt
No sign to carry no license
Not a real quality
Illusion of an absolute
Absolute illusion

Insides where I reside has me blossoming in fear, rosy cheeks for I am meek and hard to hear. ****** scars are not far from where my heart lies, in a dark hole with no soul is where my world dies.

I die a thousand deaths i willingly abide to that which nourished not, something to hide like mothers milk that fed the beast... kept in the dark until the darkness was absorbed... sun loved shade into tar, black as black can be illusion of the darkness turned into void... raise the flag against the pale that stole my all. Turn it inside out, let's see our likeness. How beautifully it hurts, makes me remember the comfort of that perfect ache... I loved my Mr. Pain, godlike he is for the survival sake. Kissing the lack of choice in the scruffy cheek pretending you saw a caring twinkle in his eye. It was closed, but who cares - imagine the world into oblivion. So what am I? A thousand shards that stab you in the eye. Anger and vengeance, wrongly delivered. Hostile confusion, fear of life, fear of annihilation. Devastatingly lost child who swallowed the why.

Swallowed
By a cloud
I felt its piercing cold
Settle on my skin
Ghost wetness that lingers
The night
Full moon
Interlaced with
Dark rainbow clouds
Foamy mist
Above highway
Resting on the
Forest peaks
No limitations
To my inner freedom
No rules
To my aliveness
Pure sensuality
Here and now

Green leafy sea and rocky layers of blue
Thunderstorm
Yellow sky floods the windshield
Atmospheric feels so deeply
Passionate
And unexpectedly
blessed by the full rainbow
in awe
The sky is colors and lights strangely
Intermixed into such glorious pattern
Of day and night and dawn
peering through and embracing each other
Gratitude is all I have
To breath another breath
To see this world alive

I sought for it all day - under chairs
And abandoned buildings, behind counters
And book stories...  Not anywhere it was, only a fleeting feeling
The undescribeable confusion
Of being tangled with you
Now all I feel is steel
The cold surface ******* at my core
And so we go on towards the unknown
Of whether the universe will keep us tangled
So little is in our control
I chose to trust it

Did I hear the f word
Slip off your lips?
Oh no honey
Don't kid yourself
I stand firmly on this
Ground of mine
And see clearly who f is and is not
You got no gene or strength
To do all those boring
Silly things
Hold care be loyal be reliable
You grasp meaning in those...
Rattle in the wind
The f you are for no one  
When you aren't F for yourself
So here I am
Holding on to the truth
And an honest promise
Calling us partners in
Heavy knowledge
My shoulder is here
For you
For the sake of
Humanity
No sentiments
I will rely on you
When desperate to fall
Face down into a puddle of mud

I'm not sure
What I'm looking for anymore
I just know
That I'm harder to console
I don't see who I'm trying to be
Instead of me
But the key
Is a question of control

Can you say
What you're trying to play anyway
I just pay
While you're breaking all the rules
All the signs that I find
Have been underlined
Devils thrive on the drive
That is fuelled

All this running around
Well it's getting me down
Just give me a pain that I'm used to
I don't need to believe
All the dreams you conceive
You just need to achieve
Something that rings true

There's a hole in your soul
Like an animal
With no conscience
Repentance unknown
Close your eyes
Pay the price for your paradise
Devils feed on the seeds
That are sown

Can't conceal what I feel
What I know is real
No mistaking the faking
I care
With a prayer in the air
I will leave it there
On a note full of hope
Not despair

All this running around
Well it's getting me down
Just give me a pain that I'm used to
I don't need to believe
All the dreams you conceive
You just need to achieve
Something that rings true

Kettle that holds in the steam explodes
Kettle that controls it best is most functional
Never hold it in
Always control HOW you express it

Drop after drop after drop of days
Going by in a chain from better to worse
To better with hope
Get used to reality
Predictability
Responsibility
Try harder to keep trying
Not dying in the relaxed state
Of nothing else to gain
Vital not to loose
The light of the watchtower
That you knew was built for you to find
Only for you...
All alone in the watchtower...
Maybe some day
For today, wherever those muddy feet of mine
Will take me
I wish not to be alone
I wish to share my reality
I wish to break the bubble
That appropriate place
Of perfect composure
I wish to break into song like
A melodramatic Broadway fool
I wish to jump in the puddles
I wish go scream alive into the wind
To feel it tearing at my desperately joyous seams
I wish to be touched by another's breath
I wish to be needed and
Stretch out my hand
Give it my all to be there
For anyone else but me
Most together there could ever be
Under the same sun
Breathing the same air
Walking the same ground
Wishing to be seen

There is love the basis of all
That is alive and joyful
There is passion, an unexpected
Combustion of magnetic fields
Deceivingly undeniable
Or the pure one
On the hammock last starry night
That started with a wholehearted hug
No diamond ring necessary
To prove that this one was
Meant to be

And then there is responsibility
When knowing makes lack of action
Impossible
Sometimes comes dressed as
A concerning and urgent
Question mark
The feeling comes and goes
There are plans and rules
That only an idiot
Writes in ink
But responsibility
Stays constant
It simply stays
Whether hope
Plays her part
Or chooses to depart

That strange beautiful dark sparkle in your eye
Or the velvety dark ******* in the light and night
Something in your eyes like
Wisdom or hopelessness
A particular calmness of a person
Who works hard to keep smiling but
With that smile is so **** inspiring
Yet escaped
No money or fame or success helped
To lift up the dying spirit He
Could not breathe the air of limitless
Possessions
Knowing the heart of the livelihood is missing
Entirely and tragically
So he left and closed the door

Backyard on the grass temperature raising
I feel a pulsating heat of energy inside my core
It feels right easy effortless
To breathe in the scent of your skin and
Melt into your fingertips
Oh how you feel me so well
Like you always did

A seeker of higher meaning
And a wannabe demon
What unites us?
The strange empty feeling
Nothing really
Something about the hardship of staying
Discrepancy between going higher
Or falling lower into
Dark as a pit in the belly of the void
That feeling you cannot escape
Smirking tickling uncomfortably
Squinting as I try to look into its colors
Seeking something to drive away
Overwhelmed panicky lack of sense
To feel complete content and concrete
What do I need?
Perhaps some presence perhaps a breath
Warmth or consolation
Perhaps some kind of heaven
Perhaps a gentle warmth of ****** tide
Or the volcano at the bottom of the spine
Anything is
Never enough or else pointless...
The deep well of chaotic darkness
Penetrates the vision
It's in the color of blindness
In oblivion of madness
In the dark starvation
The ever present dementors' chorus
Frustrated vibration getting the better
Of me of you of the kid who starts the war
Inside his mind inside her heart
Between the legs and within the
Ever leaking grip that cannot contain
All there is to possess
Now inside out
Splattered seeds of distraction and devotion
Striving starvation eager to be filled
By the crispness of green
The redness of alive
Numerous eyes stroking along the length
Of the ego's handle
The kind of pit... food will rot first
Before reaching the bottom
The kind of void oozing odors
Of unfulfilled and fallen
Or desperately giving to avoid
The emptiness of the void
And from that pit I draw the breath
And on the long exhalation I look
OUT
Into the world reflecting the light
Of the ever exploding
Surrounded by texture
Cradling this smallness of a body
And I put the first line on
The smooth white surface
As if a question
And the answer will poor out
Not through the answerless limitations of the mind
But through the hand
Holding this pencil

Flying around uprooted and groundless
Freer than wind from one ear into other
Constants are constant, all else shall pass
Consolation sufficient liberating thought
An illusion of an idea
Comes to my mind, no erupts and breaks in
Meaning that does not measure
To neither length nor color, temperatureless and bland... Idea
Thought... Lighter than air...
Yet feeling weighs more than a mountain...
Being a thought, an intangible substance of
External force overtaking the inner Galaxy ... How strange how lovely how refreshing
Like a fountain of nonesence so lively and warm so cold and greasy so sloppy and sad
So much in between so many layers and shades
All illusion yet more real than my skin

I believe in love, it's all we got
Love has no boundaries, costs nothing to touch
War makes money, cancer sleeps
Curled up in my father and that means something to me
Churches and dictators, politics and papers
Everything crumbles sooner or later
But love, I believe in love

I believe in love, it's all we got
Love has no boundaries, no borders to cross
Love is simple, hate breeds
Those who think difference is the child of disease
Father and son make love and guns
Families together **** someone
Without love, I believe in love

Without love I wouldn't believe
In anything that lives and breathes
Without love I'd have no anger
I wouldn't believe in the right to stand here
Without love I wouldn't believe
I couldn't believe in you
And I wouldn't believe in me
Without love

I believe in love
I believe in love
I believe in love

Stop for a moment!
slowly i pour the warmth of each
breath into every clenched and tense
fiber of my body
fear is dissolving with
deep awareness
my lungs expanding
taking in what the world has never failed to
provide that which i share with all the myriads
of living creatures in all parts of this
ever spinning sphere
the constance of breath and the slow
continued release
from the tips of my fingers
to the tips of my toes
the silky touch of air
the heat the cold the icy the humid
i feel it in my veins in my chest
on my lips on the tip of my nose
in the expanse of my shoulders
in the softness of my stomach
in the ease of my eyelids
engulfing me wrapping every inch of me
the gentle tinkling of the living energy
moves through my body
touching every inch arousing a feeling
of presence in this very moment
the only one that exists

Feeling trembling reverberating
Inside my chest in my temples
Eyes sore from trying to see
The world behind a heavy cloud of
Smoke emitted from burning
Of the past hopes foliage
Angst frustration mess of it all
Cavelike all absorbing darkness
Sipping into the pores
Is anybody here?
Can't see outside my mind
All a blur unfocused disorganized mess
Of a meaning, structure fallen apart
Windswept keepsakes
Pages into ashes
Graphite could become a diamond
But this painful moment
Is more precious still
And so I write