Static begins to swarm inside me,
Scratching,
As panic erodes my veins,
Numbing,
As I,
Drop,
Knees shaky as they kiss the floor,
I'm screaming, calling, reaching for you

Why are you weeping?

Found, ****** with tears,
Shaking,
Realizing it's not me you're afraid of,
Smeared now,
Tap, tap, tap,
She's back

Distorted, run by fear, she is me,
Yet no,
She's younger, paralyzed in time unwillingly,
Coming back to warn me,
I've been here before.
She's in control,
Watching,
Says once more, I need you to know,
You've been here before.

PTSD, you see,
It runs me,
Yet PTSD goes by she,
Don't be afraid by she, is me,
And you know me,

Right?

i wrote and wrote
spilled black ink on the paper
and watched it dry with the spilled crystals on my cheek
i laughed and laughed
at the lovely memories stuck on repeat
and the foolish things i did
perhaps i wasn't the same person i was before

Allow me to speak--I would rather
that me you should remember
for my glaring faults (in such large number)
than my few merits--whatever

The clamor is way too heavy
I need to elope to my quiet place
Where everything is constant and serene
I’d lie to myself until
My world starts to spin
And I’m forced to face
My absolute reality

And I looked myself in the eyes
And found I had run off again
      -Tell me if you see her

do you have moments, where you can’t imagine a future?
you’re lying there, staring at the
same walls
same ceilings
same words
with nothing but the same feelings-
empty and pale,
like there’s no reason to go on,
when you can’t even do enough to fail.
the future is coming, but you don’t want to be in it,
can’t imagine yourself in it.
where you just want to stop.
everything.
and just sit there for a while.
maybe not death, as that’s too permanent,
but something close to it.
when you can feel the rope around your neck,
the razor on your wrist,
the way the pills taste.
you can imagine it, and you aren’t sure if it’s what you want,
or just the feelings you imagine it will give you