A little heart inside of me
I keep it tucked away
Beg and plead
On ****** knees
Just hoping that you'll stay.
A fighting mind up in my head
I know that it's up there
Try and try
I memorize
The wish that you would care.
And tiny legs that carry me
Deeper into your hold
Red stop signs
And tear streaked eyes
I know I should have known.
Thin, small arms I have right here
That don't accomplish much
I lift the weights
You throw them down
And I still wince at your touch.
Meager curves I wish were not
Places, yeah, I got it there
A weightless thing
"The Skin and Bones"
But I'm still caught in your stare.
The darkest eyes I try to hide
And theirs- the lightest blue
Just not the same
I cannot change
The eyes I see in you.
Visual things, they matter much
Inside it matters more
I guess it's fine
Its gone with time,
Isn't personality a bore?

Our failures have been turned into free entertainment
Our pain is on display
I've questioned, fought, and rebelled
They won't pay attention anyway.
Truth is screaming and burning their skin
The least noticed people understand
They've taken the whole brunt of it all
The homeless girl, the drunken man.
People that have suffered the most
People that walk to valley of death
Bystanders whose story we don't know
They watched loved ones take a last breath.
Hunger, pain, killings, ignorance
The last happens most of all
As long as it doesn't directly affect them
They stoop higher as we fight to crawl.
I've never felt so singled out
So different than the rest
But this time where I'm most different
Is when I am the best.

I'm a little under the weather, it seems
I even had an apple a day!
But no amount of painkiller or Motrin
Can take this pain away.
You see, there is no antidote
For this little disease of mine
I guess I'll do what my mother says,
"It'll heal in time."
I've become so sick with a broken heart
And I ran out of bandages and gauze
I called the doctor a while ago
Began the dreaded ring ring pause.
"Listen, doc, I'm sick- ya see?
I've got this hurting in my chest!"
He didn't offer much advice-
"Stay home; just get some rest."
It's difficult to do sometimes
When your heart no longer beats
All you do is feel the silence
Just eat, sleep, breathe.
Now I'm a little more than under the weather
No, try six feet under
My little disease was hurting me
Why I didn't get better, I wonder.
You see, my heart can take so much
Before it crumbles, breaks, and cracks
Heartache comes in many forms
But there's only one that lasts.
So that's my story of health issues
The tale of a broken heart
A little ballad of medicine and pills
That I have needed from the start.

A million words cannot describe
The way I looked at her
A thousand times I've tried to say
The kinds of feelings that occur.
And a hundred wishes I have said
Wishing I just said no
But other things she wished to chase,
"If you love her, let her go."
Walking lands I wish I knew
Seeing people may have changed
Was I really gone for that long?
She's made me feel estranged!
Learn to walk and live again
Like a toddler in the snow
Finding new and wondrous things
"If you love her, let her go."
I loved her, lost her
Found her again
She asked to leave, I should've said no
I'm thinking about it too much now
I loved her, but I let her go.

If you really break it down
We're not what we think we are
You're not that girl with dreams of being a doctor
You're not that guy sitting at the bar.
We started from the very bottom
We worked our way to the top
But, seriously, is this what we've wanted?
Is this all we really got?
We're silenced, hushed,
We're told we shouldn't talk
Why question the system?
I'm telling you this needs to stop.
We're told about our rights
We're bonded but liberated
It's time to think outside the box
Inside seems overrated.
Everything is not 'okay'
Tell me, what does okay mean?
The definition isn't this
Life isn't what it seems.
You live behind a sheet of glass
Your eyes are closed and covered with wax
They stuff your ears with cotton *****
In hopes that somehow
That'll cover it all.
But don't lose hope, darling,
I know what okay means
Scrape off the wax and open your eyes
Let's see what it's like to get out of routine.
It's time to think outside the box
To question everything they've got
We can make a change
Because we are what they are not.
Stand up, speak out,
Stop living behind the walls
They can't shield you anymore
And right now they're about to fall.
Let's send them crashing
Let's make it okay
Let's gear up, get ready,
I'm ready to play.

I am the person your mother warned you about.
I am the person you are not supposed to get on the motorcycle with
Because I cannot drive,
I do not have a motorcycle
And I am rebellious enough to have no helmet on my unkempt hair.
I will take you places late at night
And sneak into abandon buildings
To show you the abandoned pieces of my heart
And the parts of me that don't belong to anything
I will show you where to put them and desperately hope
That you can put them back for me.
I am the kind of person that came to sweep you off you feet
In whimsical dreams even Dorothy would love to have
And I will take you to beautiful places over the rainbow
You will feel things over the moon.
But I possess this unnatural power to break beautiful things
And even though it seems we are happy,
My brokenness cannot be mended by someone so special
So I continue to break another perfect thing.
I will break you and the beautiful places so unintentionally-
it's almost graceful
I will hurt you in ways so you cannot return to these places
Not with me, not with another girl or anyone
Because I tried to be mended and rebellious
To keep our wrists and hearts intact
But I am another broken person who is afraid to drag you down with me
I fear of breaking your heart so hard that you cannot be mended either
I am afraid to hurt you on the motorcycle that I wish I could ride
I do not want you to fall in love with the person I want to be
I want to be spontaneous enough to take you to beautiful places
To kiss you in them and to open my heart
I want to be these things because you need wonderful things
The same way I need to understand you want to help me
I want to be these beautiful things for you
But I am not the person your mother warned you about.

It's hard to talk to artists, see,
They've never made much sense
Their memories seem clouded
But yet I found one on a bench.
I didn't find the artist, no,
I only found his work
A broken, torn apart journal
A tattered, beat up book.
I opened to the first page
And saw a true sight to behold
Colors flew across the paper
In reds and blues and golds.  
The pencils must have danced
And the thoughts should have exploded
But what I had there in my hands
Was worth much more than noted.
I held his imagination
Every fiber of his thoughts
Every piece of information
That he ever had been taught.
The lines and circles spoke
Every word that he could not
They all told him not too
So he kept it under lock.
But there those drawings held the key
The secrets to his past
His present, future, all his hopes
'I wonder if they'd ask.'
He kept his secrets quiet
All his goals and all his dreams
I found his only outlet
His saving grace, it seems.
I looked through all the drawings
Some teasing, jokes, and grades
All expressed in colors
His feelings to create.
I never met this man that day
I still don't know him now
I wonder if he's happy
Or does he revel in the clouds?
See, artists are a piece of work
They're masters of the trade
Their specialty is feelings
Like the ones put on a page.

There is no worse feeling
Than nothing at all.
It's scary,
It's dark,
and it's lonely.

And it's kind of like the night.

Kind of like I am the moon.
And I am suspended above everyone else,
Flying high above in the risers, looking down at the actors on the stage,
On the people in the town
Conversing, falling in love, having fun, simply being
And I am up here
And I am alone.
I am the light to guide everyone's night
But they still don't see me.
I am at least one of two constants in their lives
And they still forget that I am here.
I will fall, I will rise again, and I will continue this cycle
I will swallow my feelings because
I have to
Because the town will turn to shambles if I don't.
I am not sure if I am comfortable with being this constant for everyone
I do not know if this something I should be okay with
If I should be okay with being absolutely nothing but
Something that is there.
I have nobody, but I am still there.
I am still here, don't you remember me?

Why won't you remember me?

I'm a liar
And a sinner
Some are gamblers
Others winners
There are riders
Live-to-die-ers
And ones unlike you
She's a cheater
He's a keeper
Many blind to see
There are hiders
Some are whiners
They sound the same to me
Wish we may
They wish they might
That maybe they can change tonight
From sinners, lovers
And ****** to mothers
God, I'd promise if you'd help me tonight
Let it last
Just one last time
Then take these labels out of sight.

Sometimes I like to make toast in the morning
Veering off the path of sugary flakes and dried out vegetables
To remind me of how simple people can be
But have a world of open possibilities in front of them
And to also remind me
That I need to be more creative than to write a poem
About toast.

He slams the door
To walk outside and continue to grill
And I remember that it's 5 o'clock on Sunday
Prime time for him to be sleeping
I remember all the Sundays when I was little
How I would cry my eyes out
I dreaded the thought of going to school the next day
Because I would have to leave my parents
Particularly, my father
How I would beg for him to come to school with me
Begging because I missed him so much.
I remember the Sunday when I came in carrying a box
When he was slamming the door, when he broke a mug
How I heard him yell and I threw down the box
How I ran into the garage to cry
When he came out and hugged me
And I cried and bawled and hugged him harder than ever before
How these Sundays have changed to doors slamming
To headphones and the grill going
To falling asleep shortly after 5,
How they have not changed in the fact
That I still sometimes cry on Sundays,
Shortly after 5 o'clock.

One in the morning and I can't sleep
A billion times I have closed my eyes
A couple of shakes and I try to escape
But time has me, I sit and realize.
I focus on the clock that sits
And stares me down like a lion
My eyes are dry and I'm tired, I feel it,
I squeeze but I really can't start crying.
Time ticker strikes two and I yawn pretty big
I lay down so I'll be sane in the morning
But I guess sleep was not quite my motivation
Because I find reality, really, quite boring.
Quarter to four and my mind is a bore
I still sit and question my size
I'm small and mortal and dying, I know,
I'm nothing compared to the skies.
But the time is going, it still bores on,
It rambles like my thoughts on this night
And I won't go to bed because I know it won't stop
Clocks don't freeze at the first sign of life.
We're caught in the spiral that I've come to get
So I spend all my time imagining it gone
But here on this morning, when five rolls around,
These thoughts are not leaving at dawn.
I was thinking that maybe if I think hard enough
If I think all of these problems right through
I'll understand why I'm insane in this way
And why the clocks don't even care if there's dew.
Closer to six and my head hits the pillow
It's not time that I've seemed to understand
I really get, now, that I've been thinking too much
And I'm truly on the underhand.
I'm come to terms with the fact that one day
I'll just be words and thoughts and 'remember her's
My legacy will, one day, not exist
And my ideas will not be much of a blur.
I'm starting to see, as it's now seven o'clock
That the clocks are simply running the race
They're in the lead, slowly beating me,
Time is just the subject of the chase.

Maybe I should wake the neighbors up
Play my favorite song
And wait for them to interrupt
Maybe I should throw plates off the Grand Canyon
Scream to no one
Just because nobody told me I can't
Maybe I will appreciate someone for the fact
That they'll be the neighbor
That runs to sing to with me
Turns it up louder
Throws plates at walls
Screams just to hear their voice
And does things because nobody said
They can't.

There's this burning light inside of me
The one they try to dim
This same light that wakes me up
And keeps me tied to him.
But like the anchor that holds my ship
Keeps me held up to the ground
Is the same anchor they've buried deep
Put to sleep without a sound.
This boat has sailed with the light turned off
This keeper is asleep for now
Your ships can do without the house
Just stick your sights up on the bow.
So when your people crash and burn
And you're lusting for my light
I guess you'll wish you had it back
Before you put me out that night.

We're a mix of impossible genetics
Pooled together by a simple 'hello'
Two souls took the impossible chance
Thousands and millions of years ago.
So somehow the ******* the earth
Somehow said hello to the boy
And somehow millions of years ago
There began the story.
Along the lines of romanticism
It goes back to the beginning once again
Veering off the path of moonlight nights
And love is created in vengeance.
See, it all boils down to the simple hello
In a language known across all the seas
Had Fate not stepped it and drawn them
Well, maybe, we'd all never be.
Even millions of years ago, love ******
Hasn't really changed much since then
But these words that I write express much more than love
Express more feelings than written in pen.
So long ago, or in land unknown
It might not have gotten started like now
But everyone shares that one common thing
Much more love than our bodies can allow.
Across the world there's this small little light
This little light that can somehow poke through
And it's this one little common light in us
That bonds strangers like me and like you.
So take the chance like the first ones did
The first ones that said it so long ago
Buck up, my darling, muster some courage
Walk up there and say hello.

These subcategories of articles
That separate theory from fact
Are lines that, really,
Are quite unclearly drawn.
Categories for theory and qualia
That put me under the impression
That everything is based on a conjecture
And it's all in my head.
Qualia is defined as being subject
To your sense perceptions
Brought on by stimulation of phenomena.
Theory is a system of ideas used
To explain something.
But don't we theorize everything,
Based on our qualia?
If we perceive that a rose is red,
And we theorize that this type of rose
Will always be red because we will always see it red,
Does that really make it red?
Is my red your green,
And you only call it red because to you need to call it something?
Or is that just our theory that to be comfortable
Is to fit in and be accepted by everyone?
And that to challenge what is called fact
Is to be rejected?
Where do we draw the line
In these thickly worded and sinking articles?
Is it where we can finally say that
Everything is based on theory that our qualia subjects us to?
If so, am I under the correct theory that
I really am alone?
That my sense perceptions just play tricks on me
So I don't think to hard, or go insane?
Is insanity just theory based on qualia?
Or maybe I should be under the theory
That being a thinker like this
Subjects me to the unpleasant qualia of a perceived headache.

This 'system' here- it sure is funny
They're dictators in the pursuit of money
Good teachers, maybe, but leaders? No!
They're actors just ready to put on a show.
We get up, begrudgingly, angry every morning
Acting pretty whipped on these prisons we're boarding
We've gotten all pretty, gotten dressed- the whole lot
Setting ourselves up for no life lessons to be taught.
We act on our hormones and never question why
The boys are all laughing as the girl sits and cries
It's actually pretty cruel, if you think on it now
She pulls her pride together like her strength should allow.
High school can be scary, it's rough and it's mean
Just as horrible and funny as the bullies can be
There's homework and grades and competition galore
You get called names like ugly, nobody, and *****.
One day when I'm aging and look back at it here
One day on the porch, nope, I won't shed a tear
I'll remember my pictures and lockers and books
I'll remember when I melted from just a single look.
Remember the dresses, the dances, the games
Think of my self-confidence every day put to shame
Reminisce being me and trying to be cool
Sigh as I think of myself being a fool.
Because now it doesn't matter, I'm happy and me
High school was not like the movies made it seem
The actors ran around, they sang and they danced
We never saw what it'd be like to have your house refinanced.
It was the simplest things they never bothered to show
Like writing a check or tying a bow
The little important things is what I know now
High school is a joke- I just wonder how.

My only shining armor
Is wearing no brands across my chest
My battle calls are telling them
That I don't go to rest.
My metal shaped from experience
Swords fashioned in the fire
Drums fitted, screaming the harshest words
To **** your hateful admirers.
Uniforms made of the sharpest silver
Chains clinking, dragging along
Galloping horses through the fields
As we screech the freedom song.
"Break my heart, you will no more!
My deepest enemies and fiends-
You brought out the darkest monster
When you took out other queens!"
Bayonets line up to shoot
And all our eyes look deadly
You're lucky I banded everyone up
Or you'd be dead already.
Instead I built you my army
We wear mascara instead of masks
The same mascara we reapplied
Before we took up arms and axes.
I fix my piercings up my ears
Make sure my shirt's in place
Before I call my girls to start
They make sure you know our grace.
"How dare you take another out!
That queen has slept with many!
I bet you couldn't pay her enough!
Bet she only asked a penny!"
"Called me names, guess what, my dear?
You cannot speak anymore!
For when I am all finished with you,
You won't be able to utter '*****'!"
Standing afar, my troops take back
All feeling they have lost
So next time you try to hurt one of us,
Remember just who's boss.

Can you be my addiction?
My morphine, take my time
Can you take away the pain for me?
Addiction, will you be mine?
You feed the fire more and more
Keep me coming every day
Make me think you left too soon
Then turn around and stay.
Really, I'm pathetic
Needing this here to survive
I wake up wondering my next hit
Counting down till it arrives.
Speed is overrated
And crack is pretty lame
You're the one that's selling out
Your drug is this cities' game.
I've been trying out some dealers
But they never fit the bill
Their high just isn't as good as yours
Doesn't quite get me over the hill.
I'm taking myself to the ranch today
To take some time and gaze some stars
I'll leave you home, babe, not right now,
This retreat is pretty far.
As much as I love the hit I get
And calling you my own
I've got some courage way down deep
Thats scratching to be shown.
My reliance on you will be no more
I'm cutting loose this grip
My addiction, darling, my morphine
Has become one bad acid trip.
So I'll lay here and stargaze now
And these will be real stars
Not the ones created by your hit
My addiction is near and far.

So in the end
These gates of white
Never could be darker
Roads to Hell
All paved in dirt
Is showing now the power.
And all my life
I've led the way
Kicked the rocks under my feet
Leading them
In streets so hot
The end taking them to meet.
These pearly gates
That laugh at us
These sinners, cold and weary
Hang our heads
But still we walk
Because I am not one for caring.
Hell is warm
But we are hot
Guess the killers a tan
Floating clouds
Above the sun
May not even get the chance.
And now I can't finish this poem
And maybe I will later
But I can't finish this poem
Because I don't know where I was going with it
Because the tears are refusing my view of the screen.

you have a match doused in gasoline
held to the flames
destructive, powerful, filled with potential

but you can't let go
what if it explodes?
who will get hurt?

listen- find this person,
and for the love of god,
hold onto them

find someone who is not afraid to throw your match into the fire
to ignite the burn in your soul
who wants you to let go of it all,

to let go of the destructive match holding you back
find someone who is not afraid to soak your troubles
and toss them into the flames

find someone who loves you so much
that they will sacrifice their burns
so that they can help heal yours

find this person,
and for the love of god,
hold onto them

In the tendons and the ridges
In the knuckles under your skin
I find it perfectly treacherous
When it makes me take everything into consideration.
As if simply holding hands is to be raw
That this human impulse is more than just that
And to be intertwined with a person
Is to be connected with their world!
I am reminded of how treacherous it is
To think them,
To think anyone,
Is more than a person.
In the knuckles at the base of every finger
Is where I will find a lack of uniformity
And be reminded that imperfections
Will keep us human.
We are allowed to connect with others
We are allowed to enjoy non-uniformity!
But, if by chance, I get caught up
In the thought of being with someone
Who is anything more than human,
Committing the most treacherous and humanly crime possible
Will bring me right back down to being simply human again.

The wind nips at my cheeks
Making them pinker
Than I had intended
Making me look more alive
Than I had hoped
Making me wish I was in the ground
Fake pink lips, fake pink blouse,
Real pale skin
Where everyone, for so long,
Has said I should be.

Do you ever want to die
Not only because sometimes
It just seems like where you need to go,
But to see how the world would change?
Who grieves, who adjusts, who comes forward,
What would be formed, what would cease to exist?
However, there's the reason to skirt around-
This minuscule grey area, that is,
At best, continuously evolving in certain situations-
And right there, as if waiting- the want to die
Simply because that's just what seems to be left
That would make me different,
I would have something to myself
I don't have to see if things get better before they get worse.
Well, speaking of my first list-
Out of the two reasons, the latter of which
I am forever curious about,
I am most scared of wanting the former.

I long for the autumn that defines my year
Where I can finally measure up
I can finally become the person that the people I surround myself with
Already are
For colder weather that indicates seasons for sports that I play
Simply to say that I've done something
To say that I have seen a glimmer of what it's like
To do something that people will love.
For fall to arrive and to immerse myself in stress
So I can stop thinking about my future
About my obligations
And focus on being something that people will love
Transform myself into something they think is better than who I am
And perhaps stop asking myself,
Perhaps I will stop repeating the mantra, the age-old question-
Why do I surround myself with people that are better than me?
As if it is a contest and I am the only competitor
Racing, racing to the top
Hoping to see what exactly is over this wall that my friends have seen
To measure up in age, in accomplishments, concerts, grades
Why am I the jack of all trades and the master of none?
I can do so much, I meet requirements
How is this town okay with simply meeting requirements?
...And then I realized something.
I long for autumn, for the seasons that represent change
Not because I am in dire need of new things to do
To possibly prove myself worthy
But because it means I am one season closer to leaving a town and people
Who are okay with meeting requirements
And I am one step closer, one step higher,
To reaching things that supersede any requirement given to me.

To live extraordinarily
To let die simply
To live and die on a day
Where you took the simple
And thought it extraordinary
Is one of the most appreciated talents
A person can possess
To live without boundaries
Without fear and hesitance
And to live without regrets
About what you did do
Instead of wishing you did
What you didn't do
Perhaps to live simply
Is to live extraordinary
To die having done what you love
Having loved who you want
Is to have taken the extraordinary
From the simple
And to have lived and died on a day
When you and the people around you
Noticed how many extraordinary things
Could come from something as simple
As life and love.

Your head is small, you know that?
Just smaller than a pin
And no matter just how much you try
You'll ever fit it in.
Not smarts and brains,
You've got that all
It's really something else
Imagination- just too big
You and everybody else.
Your thoughts and wants
Your hopes and dreams
They're dying to get out
They kick and punch and hit you
They yell and scream and shout.
There's times when you might let them slip
They giggle and they tease
They tickle at your insides
As you try to get them at ease.
But thoughts and dreams don't do that
See, they never quiet down
They want to show you colors and shapes
They strive to show you sounds.
The more you shove and push them
The more you fight and pout
The more they tickle, laugh, and tease
Come on, just let them out!
Imagine what those thoughts could do
Imagine the world here
So dark and dreary, cold and damp,
It's much worse than you fear.
But your dreams, you know,
The colorful ones
Don't color inside the lines
They're creative, different,
Amazing and new,
They'll make the whole world shine.
Darling, first please realize
Your head is just too small
Your thoughts and dreams
They want to get out
They want to color it all.

Things come from all things
Matter cannot be created
It can't be destroyed
But like all things,
Everything comes from something
Like thoughts from brains
Brains from bodies
Bodies from a woman
Put in that state from ***
*** from love (hopefully)
Love from interaction
Interaction from thought.
So the physicists and scientists
Might be right
But it's not true that all matter
Cannot be destroyed
Someone created a body
But that, I have too often seen,
Is destroyed
Because of thoughts
Or maybe love
Could be interaction or brains
But at least some matter
Can be
Has been
Destroyed.

It's been raining- never pouring
And the young kid stopped snoring
This time when he went to bed
No bump on his head
And still didn't wake up in the morning.
It's been sprinkling- slow and steady
And the young girl is tired already
Today's been tough
She's had enough
And she didn't want to wake up in the morning.
It's been snowing- soft and dreamy
And the little boy's cheeks are beaming
His snow filled clothes
His happiness shows
And he couldn't wait until the morning.
It's been sunny- bright and shining
The old man lays outside, reclining
His wife is happy
His grandchildren are napping
And he was excited to play with them in the morning.
It's been cloudy- the ground is foggy
The young kid wakes up feeling groggy
His dreams were bad
The worst he's had
And he's glad he woke up in the morning.
It's been chilly- always lovely
The young girl wakes up comfy
Her bed's the same
She's taking the blame
And she's happy she still woke up in the morning.
It's been pouring- hard and fast
And these people's lives all match at last
The weather changes
Their lives cover different ranges
And their all happy for the morning.

She knew better than that
Should've known not to fall for boys
Not to fall for him especially
To fall so deep into something
Deep into a pit he created
The pit he dug deep with words
That made her so tiny she couldn't escape
Made her even smaller than she already was
Small enough to see her bones
To see everything she had exposed
Everything except her heart
The heart that ignored her brain when it told her
She knew better than to fall for boys like that.

I decided to play cards sometime
And my partner wasn't right
His smile seemed so greedy
Something's off about this night.
'Go ahead,' he grinned
'I'm ready to play
Let's start a war with 52.
Make it equal (26!)
Let's fight- just me and you.'
I dealt the deck
As he rang the bell
'Ready.' I said
'Let's fly on to hell.'
His horns- they grew,
His teeth turned to spikes
He smirked and gave me the first one
Told me 'Hey, just out of spite.'
We continued to dance
And the swords, how they flew,
The spears they shone,
Lost to a Queen- just a two.
My partner snuck peeks
At my face- now he knew
I'd been dancing with the devil
Winning a war of just us two.
He whittled his cards
It became quite a joke
I was outfoxing the fox
Sore loser- that old bloke.
'Not possible!' He cried
'I'm the devil, you're in hell!
You just fought a war with me
See, you won, please do tell.'
I chuckled to myself
'Oh, I see quite alright
Thank you, kind devil,
but I must bid you goodnight.
Sweet dreams, old fellow,
Or maybe you won't.
Please, cheer up, good man,
You went from red to new yellow.'
He turned and then huffed,
'Oh shut up, you fool!
I've been fixing up my game
And you're just a tool.'
He left, and I smiled,
Just grinning to myself
I'd just danced with the devil
He never asked, that old elf.
You see, I've had training
I'm fairly good at it now
My sword throwing's improving,
and with that,
I take a bow.

To love as freely as a child again.
Like a child, afraid of going to school
Afraid to leave their mother and father
For fear that they won't be here when she comes home
Fear of cooties from the boys
Boys that eventually become an elementary crush
A crush that blossoms into middle school feelings
Feelings that will be brushed off by friends
Friends who leave her unattended at the most vulnerable times
Where vulnerability renders her temporarily blind
Temporarily stuck in a hopeless place she can't escape
A place so desperate she can't imagine life without it-
And to imagine- she isn't even done with freshman year.
To hope that the years will roll by fast enough
So fast she can't acknowledge that they go by
Can't acknowledge the feelings she's putting herself through
She's killing herself, and nobody seems to realize yet.
To feel as if whatever-God-is-out-there must,
To listen as if prayers were flooding in minute by minute
Prayers to end the pain,
Pain that she shares,
But cannot share because nobody will hear her
Her prayers drift by silent ears and go unnoticed
And when turned-off ears fail to hear her,
Her anger doesn't fail to boil up, to create something horrible,
Something horrible that has never really been her
Something she never realized she had
Until she realized something else.
To let anger and sadness take control in such a strong way,
Something else had to stop being in control-
To love as freely as a child again.
Not only to love others,
But herself.

I'm coming on back to raise the dead
I watch in the corners and under the bed
I travel by day and hide at night
Simple things drive me to the light.
You'd think that I'd love darkness, no,
You humans put on a fantastic show
And you really think that I'd miss out?
Come on, it's too funny to see you pout.
I really enjoy your tantrums, too,
If only you saw I've been studying you
You sit there and study your books
I don't make a sound so you don't turn to look.
And every time you do the simplest thing
Like laughing with friends or start to sing
I record it down in my little notebook
I will start my recipe, with humans to cook.
I'm not physically cooking, don't you worry now, dear
My full intentions are remaining unclear
I'm studying your works, every piece of your mind
Your feelings and thoughts I've got yet to find.
You're making it hard, oh, why is that so?
No harm, no foul, so far- you know
I'm still far away, I've got a while to wait
It'll take me long touch you, at this rate.
Anyway, here's my story, so listen right now
I've got more to this than I've, so far, allowed
I come out in the day so I can get closer
Follow you to work, the kitchen, even the grocer.
With every little move, I inch closer right then
And with every action, I move closer again
Cracking your knuckles or kicking a ball
I get nearer and nearer with every new fall.
I can't get you when sleeping, no, that wouldn't be fair
Attacking at your innocence is cruelty I can't bare
So I sit during the night and I watch all your dreams
Your conscience is far more complex, it seems.
Then when you wake up, I'm closer once more
On your coat tail as you run out the door
Drinking your coffee and driving to work
Hearing you sing is just an added perk.
I'm the thing the dog barks at when no one's around
They see me even though I do not make a sound
I'm that blur that is moving out of the corner of your eye
The thing that watches you break down and cry.
And when you feel watched, but know you're 'alone'
Just know that I'm with you, but cannot be shown
With every little movement, I get closer, I dare
The only thing between us now is little slivers of air.

What do you do?
When you feel stuck,
When you can't go anywhere?
When you're fortunate enough
To be unfortunate enough to have
One of the best opportunities you've had
Come to an end?
Don't all good things come to an end?
Do great things start again?
What happens when I am stationary?
When my friends advance past,
And I return to dust?
When I am left to my thoughts
That have already abandoned my opportunities?
What happens if Studio 7 was my only chance?
What happens when what I decided I want to do
Doesn't work out?
When my reliability becomes my worst enemy?
Most importantly,
Why am I so afraid of the future?

I've been slowly coming to senses
About life and all its ways
Death and darkness, mortality
I will see the end of my days.
With this realization, see,
I'm seeing more and more
In life I've got to do nothing
But if not, it'd be a bore.
There is one thing that we all got
It's inescapable
You can fight and cry all you want
Eluding is incapable.
Someday we'll lay down six feet under
Dressed up for worms and dirt
Peaceful sleeping, no more worry
For a while your family will hurt.
There's only one thing we have to do
That's dying, there, you see,
The only thing we have to do
Is live, then cease to be.

Daddy, you look sad today
Is it something that I said?
Did I make you mad when I spilled the juice?
I'm only being a kid.
Daddy, please don't yell so loud
The neighbors might hear again
I promise I won't ask to play
I'll just go to bed.
Daddy, what's been wrong lately?
Why are all those bottles there?
Let's go outside and make you happy
You don't even have to braid my hair.
Daddy, why don't you say it anymore?
You love me when I go to sleep?
Can't I make it all better?
I'm sorry mommy isn't with me.
Daddy, what's that noise I hear?
I hate to see you cry
I'm running to save you, quick as I can
I promise I will try!
Daddy, what's that thing you have?
The metal is black and cold
I've seen that thing out on the streets
It's a sad thing I have been told.
Daddy, what was that loud noise?
And why did you go to sleep?
Why did you say I love you, goodbye?
When in the morning you'll see me?
And daddy, why won't you wake up?
Please, stop lying there
I'll try and carry you to bed
As long as I don't stumble on the beer.
Daddy, I wish you would wake up
But I hear nothing from your heart
It's just like mommy when we saw her
Please, I don't wanna be apart!
I'm sorry you weren't happy
And you said it's not you, kid
I want you to know you're always my dad
And I love you no matter what you did.

I've only been good at logic puzzles
But this is a puzzle I can't get
These little ones that rattle in a box
And sit on my shelf, simply untouched
Those put-together puzzles
With the frustratingly beautiful blue sky
Frustrating because somehow it all fits together
But I can't tell if this is a cloud
Or a bird
Or maybe dust because I haven't touched it in a while.
It'll be a pretty blue sky and field
With pink flowers and red trees
So maybe it's late autumn
Or fall accidentally forgot it was supposed to be spring
But either way its frustrating
Because there aren't any solid lines in this puzzle
And I can't deduct any solid answers
So I do the only thing that seems somewhat sane
I give up
I put the box back
To let the clouds collect more dust
And let the lines on the pretty red trees
Become more indistinguishable
I put the box back so I can pick it up later
And hope that maybe next time
The lines will be a little more clear to me.

They're lurking in the darkened depths
In the spaces you don't check
The alleyways that seem so empty
Corners you so often neglect.
And you've never really heard them
All they do is and whisper and cry
Around the street lamps, in the kitchen,
You can't see them with the naked eye.
So here they are, these creatures,
Please don't ever call them close
Turn around to finally catch them
And you miss them by their nose.
Get up every single morn'
Away from the lurching, dark night
As they retreat to corners somewhere else
Fast with the approaching sunlight.
As you mope about your useless day
You hear the voices coming again
Can you get away like they can?
They're stepping closer every time
Coming nearer with every call
They're looking every second for you
Coming closer with every near-fall.
They're ghosts and ghouls in hiding
Here to make your soul finally hear.

And now, my friends, I'll tell you
How these creatures have gotten to be
And I'll tell you now my secret
This game you played with me.
They made me spread the word to you
That their existence should not be overlooked
They wanted to make their presence known
But I needed to keep you at the books.
Just take my words and read them,
The beginning word of every line
There's my message, take it to heart
Get away before they have your soul, like mine.

I would like to say that I am unlike the rest
But in saying that
I embody the rest
I would also like to say that I'm truthful
But in also saying that
I make myself good at lying
Dangerously good, in fact,
That I can make myself believe
I'm a good liar
And I think it would be nice to say
That I am bigger than what I think I am
That my ideas are more than ideas
But in saying that
I am both a liar
And honest
I am being both unlike the rest
And exactly like everyone else
Because we all believe we are bigger
But we can only believe that
For as long as we are honest with ourselves
Honest and lying,
Because thats what we are
I will be honest about this lie
About how we will wake up with these ideas
That are so much bigger than us
That are bigger than everyone else's ideas
So we can put them off
Until we better ourselves
Until we become richer others
Until we land the job
Until we quit the job
Until we meet our soul mate
Or until we are divorced
Whether we are waiting for a career
Or until tomorrow, when it's better than today
Or until we stop lying
Maybe when our dreams get smaller
So we think we can tackle them
Or maybe we're waiting for nothing
And maybe we're wasting time waiting
I'm going to stop honestly lying
About my dreams and ideas
That are bigger than myself
And adopt the motto,
"If not now, when?"

I handed you the knife that hurts me to this day.
Every piercing word, you twist it deeper
Until it flirts with the part of me that is lit on fire with a certain lust
That, while infuriating, is hot enough to make me want more
To this day I continue to hate every utterance containing your name
That name belongs to me, it is supposed to be mine,
As you led me to believe,
As you shove a sword deeper into my gut
Farther, until the fire and coals that were lust and love
Are poked out with the dagger I gave you.
And to this day I walk with wounds
I sit with scars and burns,
Engraved with your name, every time,
Every time I heard your name- scalded
Every time you said the words- knives twisted
And even when these coals were at their hottest,
With no qualms about fading out,
They were managed to be calmed, to be soothed,
Into what I have become today.
To this day I am scarred, burned, and with sword in stomach
But I am here, with new knife in hand,
And you cannot burn me again.

How beautiful I felt
When my dress was as dark as the night sky
And when sequins sparkle like stars
Like when we ran up the hill and forgot for a moment
About how our lives flash by
How the stars I love are dead
And how the spitting rain was ruining my dress
The dress that I pulled from the sky
And when my hair was falling out
And I held my shoes by the heels
And life by the hands
And when, in that moment, I was dressed like the night
How the statues came to life
And the empty parking lots stayed empty
And the cars on the highway were my spotlights
How beautiful I felt
When, for a moment, I was dressed in night
On the top of a hill
Getting wetter by the minute
And forgetting that, in the long run,
I should be caring about this
About how the stars were dead
And life is short
And my dress is getting wet
And my hair is falling out
But I wasn't.

There are positions I can take
That can please him
Tease him
Or the other way around
But no role is harder
Than playing doctor
And trying to fix your own
Shaken up, stirred ground.
I can be the lustrous one
If thats how he wants me
I only want to mend beauty
From trash
From a mistress into me.
He built bridges with his arms
I will tear down his fortress
This king may have it all
And I'm just afraid to lose it.
I fear I don't know how
To use the sewing machine
That stitches up my fate
My feelings
The trash he made me feel like
Into kingdoms of gold
And ground thats safe to walk on.
I can try to mend myself
Put together broken ends
But I can't claim this battle
When it seems that
He doesn't want me to win.

I was waiting to write a letter soon
The letter you'll never see
I've got it written and ready now
A letter from the heart of me.

I guess it's pretty simple
But I've never been one to share
All it has is feelings
Like how I've always cared.

I really wanted to tell you
Why'd you leave so soon?
You know, we had a coffee date
I remember it set for noon.

I never got to meet you for it
You left me on the way
In reality it's all my fault
I'm the reason you're not here today.

If only I hadn't made it that time
Maybe you'd still be here
I wonder what you'd be doing now
We'd still be together, we'd meet there.

But this letter had my feelings
The ones I know I should have shared
And now you've moved up higher
You should know that I still care.

I would've sent this letter
Darling, my cheeks are getting damp
I wish you'd know my feelings
But Jesus doesn't pay for stamps.

Stick your arm through your chest
And pull out your heart
I guess forgetting all love
Is a good place to start.
Keep your hands ******
Leave your chest bare
And if somebody shut it
I guess they might care.
But until they can prove it
Keep shining your sheath
Apply some dark eyeliner
And sharpen your teeth.
Keep your friends close
And nobody closer
Lonely sounds better
Than whiny push over.
Preach what you practice
Take your advice
Bad pastor, good cop
Either way, don't play nice.
Because look where that got you
All this anger and hate
I guess if they loved you
You wouldn't be in this place.
So be ruthless and heartless
All the 'less-es' out there
Keep the blood on your hands
If that makes them care.
Throw your heart on the floor
And love with it, too
They wouldn't have laughed
If they truly loved you.