I watched my father scrunch his eyebrows together
whenever my mother said something he didn't like,
his impatience seeping through his dark skin,
apparent in the way he turned his body away
as if he wanted to run from all this
but he's trapped now, trapped forever.
I listened as my mother told me she did not want to stay
and my brother and I are the only things anchoring her unto this godforsaken house
of peeling white paint and crumbling walls and endless shouts and burning words.
I watched them hold each other when things got tough
and I knew it wasn't because of love—
it was because they were the nearest things to each other.
At a very young age I knew love was something that dissolves,
a flower you water everyday,
a story you never stop writing,
And some people, they don't know,
that they have stopped watering,
and they're running out of ink, only on page 3.
Little girl me knew.
Big girl me continues to watch it unfold,
dead petals in their hair
and dark ink between their fingers—
dry

I don't know.
It’s like I don't have you, I said

Nothings lost
You still have me
I still love you
You still love me
I still have you
If those are true
Then nothing is lost, *he said

Watching closely.
He sets the crayon down
"Thats a lovely doodle!”
“That was what once was”
Curious, questioned
Naive and young
“Well what is now?”
He draws a picture at the back
Appalled, disgusted
“Now is not so lovely anymore”
His father, his miserable father
Hanging from a chandelier*
“I wish I can take him back
But i guess he’ll take me instead."

sometimes you feel you could hug everyone, all at once

He gives her a wilting rose with thorns —
Fingers crossed and a wry smile.
She suppresses pain and denies truth.
She smiles and says, i love you
Through a sore palm and bleeding fingers