i.
you opened your umbrella and told me i was the prettiest soul in the world
even though i was ******* sure my soul was the most terrible soul out there.
but your reassuring smile gave me goosebumps.
and that was the moment i fell in love with you.

ii.
i opened my umbrella even though i was close to where i was going to meet up with my best friend
and i realized that you were telling the truth about my ****** up soul
and so there i was, smiling like a dumb idiot,
holding a blue umbrella under the rain.
and that was the moment i realized that i wanted to spend the rest of my life with you.

iii.
you opened your umbrella and walked away
when you saw me under a different umbrella with a different guy.
and you walked alone to your house,
oblivious to the storm circling around you
and the clouds that told you the truth:
i didn’t love you anymore.

iv.
i opened my umbrella even though i wanted to walk in the rain
because he told me i’d get sick and he didn’t want that to happen.
but i remembered the time we danced in the rain
and we looked in each other’s eyes and found home,
and i wanted so badly to dance under the rain
while you were dancing somewhere far and drowning in liquor
that didn’t help you forget about me
but it made you feel less numb than you already were.
and then two days later, i got sick.
my darling, i danced in the rain because it reminded me too much of you
and all i got was a bad case of coughs and colds
that until now, live within the cobwebs buried in my chest.

v.
731 days after the day you asked me if i could be yours forever,
i walked under the rain and thought to myself:
i am the most terrible soul in the world
because i
let
you
go
and all that is left of you
is the ******* rain
and this ******* pain.
and this is the moment i dream of you as i drift to sleep.

i cant help but think
that right now,
somewhere in the world,
someone is listening to the same
song i am listening to,
someone is also reading the same
book i am reading,
someone is feeling the same
sadness that i am feeling.
but i like to think that i am the only
person who feels this way right now.
it's strange,
how big this universe is
but you were the only person who made it
feel as small as a classroom
when you looked at me for the first time
and thought that i was pretty.
it's terrifying,
how salt looks like sugar
or how satellites look like shooting stars.
these lies are so natural
but i never really understood the art of hurting people
so i created a lie that seemed so natural
so that i can leave you
with dreams and wishes we made together
for someone who never really understood me.
it's heartbreaking,
how in love i am with you
even though you are no longer mine
and will never be mine again.
and i cant stop thinking and talking
about you
even though we are miles apart.
i dont even know where you are.
i cant help but think where you are
and if you're happy.
but the thought of you being happy
is enough for me to live another day,
less sad than yesterday.
my love,
i hope you are happy.

after nights of coffee
and staying up late,
and books and games
that consumed our time,
something ended between us
without even saying a word.
and now i long for you
and your touch
and i am completely infatuated.
i am completely incomplete.
my heart aches for you
and my body is like shattered glass.
the endless ruins of my mind
wont even allow me to escape.
and i am completely devastated.
i am completely terrified.
but you continue to flick
the ashes from your cigarette
and stand tall with all your glory.
and you walk the halls like
nothing matters
but the truth is that
you still love her.
and i am completely fine.
i am completely hallow.
and this is my final attempt
for walking away from this.
whatever this is.
whatever we are.
and i am completely happy for you.
i am completely done with you.
because darling,
i have always been yours
but you were never mine from the start.

(jml)