I often find myself wondering
If you have forgotten about me yet
If I am a closed history textbook after the year has ended
If I am the chapter in the book you skip over now because you know only useless information is provided
I wonder if you look at your watch and think back on the times we used to share
Wonder if you recall the late night phone calls
Wonder if you remember the sound of me weeping
I wonder if you ever think about how my lips would have tasted if only you'd ever gotten a sample of them
I wonder if the girl after me could satisfy you in a way you knew I never would
Your secrets are not sitting in the corner, they are in the light, I know how it feels to want to be filled up when you are so empty, I wonder if she did that for you
I wonder if you're happy that I am gone
I wonder if you wonder about me
About my happiness
I often find myself wondering the most however,
What you will do next
With someone else

All I do in life is long for something that can't be fulfilled. There is no answer to the questions; no filling the void. The girl I miss would be of no comfort if she were in my arms tonight. I would just be uncertain about something to do with her, wondering if I'm really happy with her; and the truth is I wouldn't be. When is it going to be my time? It's coming one day anyway, and I see no difference whether it comes today or in 40 years. I will not be fulfilled or happy in this life. That is a plain fact. Music, drugs, self-reflection, friendship, family, work, relationships - all these things leave me wanting more, needing more. God is no longer something I can believe in. I desire more regardless of what activity I'm engaged in. Connection is fleeting, never truly attainable. When is my time? I'm as ready as I'll ever be. When is my time?

i wrote you a love poem
yesterday
it's simple and sweet and it even rhymes
and maybe you'll get to read it
someday
once you choose to open your heart again
and choose to treat others with some semblance of kindness
i'm not sure what shifted
and i'm tired of wondering
or blaming myself (bad bad habit)
or concocting excuses when
the truth is sometimes you swim
and sometimes you drown yourself
you'll have to excuse me
i have strong wings for situations like these
let me know when you choose to surface
and i'll meet you halfway

I want to not answer when you call at 4 am
I want you to cry yourself to sleep
Because your mind won't stop thinkin
I want you to think I'm with another man
I want to play with your emotions
Just because I can
I want to play this out until it ends it course
I want to watch you turn into me
And feel no remorse
I want you to wait for me to change
Waiting as still and as long as a statue
I want to make you look like a fool
as everybody's laughing at you
I want to hurt you so bad
It'll take years for your heart to mend
I want to affect you so much
That you'll never trust again
And just when you can't take it anymore
And you're thinking about leavin
I want to pull you close and whisper in your ear
"Now we're even"

I remember we were in your car
and you told me how
you didn't understand one night stands anymore
because now I'm here
and you don't see a need for someone else.
I remember feeling
a sense of want
and gratitude for being
and I held your hand
and choked back tears.

That was two weeks ago.
Now
sitting on my bed
I see those words
"I don't think I can love right now"
and now there are tears in my eyes.
"I'm sorry"
Is this how you felt?
I'm sorry Alex.
With nobody in my bed
and nobody to go to
I'm sitting under the covers
with tear stained sheets
matted hair
and clutching my phone.
You were my comfort
and now you don't need me.

I do not believe my love is pretty
Or that it belongs among your soul.
It is pathetically afraid of catching glances.
And it clings to distance with a passion.
It is alive but it dances among shadows.
It curls under your hands
And races backwards
Hiccupping into the dark.
I never claimed to love
Before any of my heartbreaks.
So you kiss my lovely friend
Unaware that I have fallen.