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 Jul 2018 alex
a m a n d a
is like having a
soap opera mind.

it's so dramatic.
stories all over the place.
strange confessions
and amnesia.
 Jul 2018 alex
a m a n d a
sometimes
 Jul 2018 alex
a m a n d a
it would just
    be nice to know
that someone on this earth
thinks you’re cute.

it’s kind of important.
 Jul 2018 alex
city of flips
wants to be my friend, for I am poet-woman nineteen.

she is sweet but sad. super sad.

a good poet who wants to guide me.

but there/theirs is the odor, not faint, of wants wanting,
the pus of corruption behind the curtains,
the Wizard-ess of Oz's
special blackout curtains.

seen how easy, how her illusions,
my medium rare rejections,
morph into her delusions,

and her delusions devolve into
her conspiracy theories.

"SHE will be my mentor, poetess lover, teacher for no charge!"

my parents thinks it's great, she wants (to be) skin in my game.

my parents will find this poem accidentally, exactly,

how I do not want
to be skinned alive.

for I am poet-woman nineteen and still! now, long past
the point of being fooled, the point of no return.

and see no point,
have no intention,
of returning to either valley

no more con the my mind into letting my body
be-fused.^
  

that ain't me babe.
 Jul 2018 alex
Bec
Long drives
replay long
conversations
that sit with me
through longer
nights.
But your stay
was so
short,
sometimes I'm
not even sure
you were real.
 Jul 2018 alex
Bec
Smile
 Jul 2018 alex
Bec
"You should smile more"
No, I should be happy more,
but now we're both
asking for things we don't have.
I'm not a selfish person,
I accept what I've got.
For some people, it comes like
a gift on Christmas morning;
I am living in a house that Santa
doesn't visit.
"I'm sad today" is not
a lifetime commitment,
I know.
But a consistently happy person
is never asked to frown.
 Jul 2018 alex
Bec
When I’m sober I’m
so good,
so high on myself.
I talk to my friends and
I love that they love me
just the way I am.
But right now I’m drunk
and I’m falling in love
with all my exes,
all the people who are
poisonous.
I need validation
so I text boys who
I know will get off
on my words, on the
pictures I send them.
I have a whole list of their numbers
for nights like these.
I don’t even know
if they’d recognize me
in the morning.
I don’t even recognize myself
as I delete messages,
words, feelings.
No one will ever know
all the things I crave
if they don’t know me
sober.
 Jul 2018 alex
Bec
Love me Less
 Jul 2018 alex
Bec
The first time
you said you loved
me, it was as if
I had been pulled aboard
a life raft after being
lost at sea. But
I see now that this
raft is littered with
holes and
we are sinking, but
you are convinced
that your love is a
teacup to scoop out
the water pooling around
my ankles and you will save
us, but the teacup has a crack
down one side and
do you see where I
am going with this?
A tablespoon of water
will never put out
a forest fire; I am burning
through acres.
 Jul 2018 alex
everly
it wasn’t on purpose.

you were sitting there on the hill
so peacefully.
the gentle breeze convincing me that i
needed to accompany you.
you were examining the small stack of papers that
you saved from your therapy sessions.
i walked over and you heard my steps, tried to be subtle but eh.
you had your nilla cookies and a snapple..
it was simple..
you eventually got a brownie and another snapple for us to share.

if you take a bite out of this brownie, we can consider this a date

and with no words
you took a bite.
8:44 pm
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