iniwan mo ako.
saka mo nalamang
mahal mo pala ako.

mahal mo ako.

saka mo napagtantuhang
kailangang iwan mo ako.


huwag **** bigyan ng hustisya

ang mga espasyo ngayon sa bawat pangungusap.
bawat salita ay dapat paghiwalayin

kahit alam nating ito’y may kahulugan
at ugnayan.

ikaw

ako

mahal
 kita

ano ang saysay ng salita

kung sa bibig o kamay
ng iba ito manggagaling?

bakit mas masakit 
ang kirot ng pusong

‘di dahil sa pagsisiayos ng mga salita
kundi sa ating pagkakaisang

naudlot sa pagtalima ng mga alituntuning
sinulat naman ng iba?


mamahalin kita*
*kahit ang palaugnayan ay magkakamali rin.
kung susunod ang ating mga puso

gusto mo bang mabigo?

‘di mababawasan sa murang salita

ang anumang nararamdaman.

idaan mo na lang sa kilos,

kung ayaw **** sumunod sa palaugnayan.

let me run my fingers
on those beads of sweat on your face
make them mine
and lighten those burdens you face

let me fix your hair
you’ve gone a hard day’s work
thinking of nietzsche and heidegger
and rest your head on my shoulder

let me wash your body
run the warm water on your skin
and if the timing’s right
i’ll leave a mark on your neck

i have come a long way to touch you
and longer to love.

destiny may be wrong to make you love another,
but i’ll be here.

*i’ll be here.

if the world is a canvas,
your hands can form lines
that connect us together

tell me all the mediums
you create our world into
the castles we live in
the stories of our forever

we are never steady
but these textures
always build the feeling
of the future we are having

so promise me
one thing
and one thing only

let us be our creators
and creations

I wish the clock will never strike 12 tonight
and it would stop
so the world
won't move.

Only then my own warriors will help me
walk up to you
frozen and still, and I'd sheepishly whisper
"I love you"

Maybe you'd realize that
the lights you wish on
aren't the only ones you need.

Maybe you'd realize that
the dead hands you hold on to
aren't the only ones that are free.

Maybe you'd hear her heartbeat
and realize that hers does not follow
the skipping and tapping of your feet.

Maybe the clock can strike 12
and my infinite qualms about us
would end
and the veneers we have
would descend.

Because in our game of chase
you run to her
and i remain the fool.

if your deep bellows find you
the thorns of treason reach you
and the definite uncertainty leads you
will you search for me?

in times of unending loneliness,
infinite breathlessness,
and permanent darkness,
will you think of me?

i have been long waiting
but you're abrasive, misleading
will you only need me
if all options aren't working?

i will be less obtrusive
maybe a little more observant
you need a little more time to be lost
to find the things you need in life

but for the meantime,
i'll be the snake
silently preying over you.

my hands are a clamshell
open little

beneath the blue around me
I await the red to come
to smother
fill me
Full

because in this world where blues are cold
our bodies are red
and mine's waiting for you

the sun on my window refuses to set
overcast, still
and raindrops from yesterday's drizzle
remain wet.
weather is still normal,
unchanged
as if i am in a photo and only i could move.

though once the cigarette is lit,
time starts passing again
like an old friend leaving you slowly.

if ever he comes back,
i won't ask him to stay again
because the world is cruel,
i am beaten,
and time's the only friend
you want to leave
to heal.

you presented with your pink and white checkered shirt
tucked in your worn out, distressed pants
secured by a fake leather belt.
one of the shoelaces on your sneakers was untied.

with great confidence,
your hands pointed at a white tarp
and your mouth spoke of failed prowess in something you've never learned.

i chose to love you that day.

your eyes burned with passion,
wanting to make sure each and everyone was on the same page
but no minds are ever the same
no hearts want to play.

and even with their furrowed brows,
you heeded to me
seated at the far back of the room.
i'd give you assurance,
but the cold in the room set my mood to 25 degrees.
i wish i understood what you said.

so when your time is up,
i find myself in front of you
electrically begging to close the gap between us.

instead,
with a tap on the shoulder,
a stroke on the cheek,
i laugh at your face
adding warmth to your uncertainty.

i am empty-handed
heavy-hearted
why do i love the pain
of the obvious truth?

i'm already blind
by the sun and the lies
but why do i gaze
when you will always look away?

you're fading, i'm jaded
we are parallel
why do i fall in love
when i just fall apart?

i'm breathless
six feet under
why do i ache
and still scream for your name?

i crave for your presence
amidst the scents that **** me.

you exhale a cloud of death
and i inhale

you.

the nicotine hits
i close my eyes
the idea of you
travels through my bloodstream.
i am intoxicated
by images of me
giving you those marks on your neck.
you moan in the pleasure of pain.

smiling inside
my eyes open
i exhale reality

you walk past me
like smoke;
i am ephemerally and eternally
in love.

i’d light another stick
if it meant you’ll be with me

because you’re a vice i cannot resist
the smoke i cannot keep.

me
i grew up dreaming
that all good things happen
maybe in real life it does too
but i realised
life doesn't work
when you try reaching the stars.
all you can get
is air

you
dreamt of what's real
you knew the injustice
of hoping for the irrational
because you know the stars
are dead
and their shine
is hope
in illusion.

me
the ground
the mountains, reaching for you
you are the one that fills the gaps
between what i lost
and what i have yet to find
yet dreams will still be dreams
and my hands will never be long
and enough
to fill the space between
you and me.

you
the sky
you stretch your arms
you plague my existence with yours
and everyone above me
desires for your touch
what bothers me are the times when
you let your guard down
when you don't have to
and i feel you
just because i crave to.

me
i always want you.
i always do.
but if all i can get is air
while you're miles away
and if i'll be drowned
with your hellish hurricanes
and torturous storms
what could you make of me?

us
what could be?
will it be?
i have questions unanswered
but if there's one thing i'm certain of
it would be
there's no me in you
and there's
you in mine.

I

they say you give flowers on a whim.

on a regular day, i would message you
pictures of flowers i’d want
to come from your own hands.

but you stand on a platform.
i sit still on a chair
waiting for your orders.

you are different from a regular tuesday.
your usual pink button downs,
they’re now just a pink shirt.
you look just like us.

stepping out from the door after i called you,
the sun suddenly shone brighter.
it illuminated your distressed jeans,
glaring glasses,
flawed face,
awkward posture.

you do not greet me with a pick-up line;
but i can’t help but smile.

oh, how easy is it to get you to come?
how easy can i have you?

II*

secrets can be made in public.

we’d talk for a few more minutes,
sitting down on the steps.
we refuse to call it school.
we are immoral.

until you complain about the heat
creeping up your skin
the brighter sun feeling you. you hate it.

i’d take the blame if it was for the sun
only to make you stay.

your bag now hangs on your right shoulder.
you look back at me to see if i follow.

i grab your wrist,
breaking every rule there is.
you continue to walk,
not minding what’s pulling you back.

when we get to the emergency stairwell,
your right hand grasps the handrail,
and my hands are still on your left wrist.
i pull harder now.

stay.
you put more force to walking up.
my hands slip from your wrist to your hand.
i am taken aback, but
i hold it,
tighter.
it’s not supposed to be like this.

but if you give flowers like this,
it is what it is.

you’re my new neighbor.

a new light
creeps across your torso,
slowly revealing itself with buttons
released from the embrace of the holes of your polo.
clothes become the clouds
opening up to reveal the earth
that is your skin—
white, mixed with flesh yellow,
the shadows highlight the tone
of your God-sculpted abdomen.
muscles rises and falls
like hills forming a valley
and the glass reflects my hands
and their yearning to feel
the rich nature.

your house, the tree of knowledge;
you, the apple.
i can’t wait to sink my teeth on your body,
tasting the fresh flesh of sin.

i am naked.
a realm of possibilities awaits.
a new door opens.

i can see you
eye to eye
but will i ever be
the only one in your mind?

i know your body
inch by inch
but will you ever crave
for the touch of my hands?

i know you never will
you're a virus
eating me whole, and whole again
replacing my senses with yours
only to find myself dead
and lost in my own soul

you are what i see
in my shattered self
broken but wanting
always wanting you
but i know i'll never be yours
never was
never am

never will.

each step is a memory
of yesterday's conversations.

each breath--
a release of
yesterday's frustrations.

each quiver--
a burial of
yesterday's shame.

but each look from your weary eyes
smile that escapes from your mouth
time your soft hands touch mine

i look forward to today,
when my mistakes turn to miracles
that would lead me closer to you.