anxiously pacing
smoking cigarettes
to just get away
alone in a crowd
crowded by memories
when alone
i beg for mercy
but like prayers
i'll never have answers
drink to sleep
pills to not dream

I never did anything conventional            
To that point, probably nothing memorable
I shoulda, I guess, not been so open
With my bright eyed ideas
Crucify me for sharing a dream
The spirit inside of me just ******* wails
Shedding all of its fingernails
Climbing its way outside of me
Relentlessness, bursting at the seams
Starting to hurt, you know I love the burn
All I wanna do is rise up and scream
Guess we can all figure out
How long it takes a heart to bleed out
All you need is a dash of lies
And a bit of dishonesty
Isn’t it crazy, how a heart can turn
Perfect recipe
It’s never what it seems

Everyday I live in such despondency
Some sort of dark, dark, miracle
How I’ve lost you, a ******* travesty
You could only tell me that
We wanted different things
As you wiped tears from my eyes
Kissing me, as you watched my soul
weep, in such an untimely demise
I wish you heard my words
As I promised you, that I only wanted you
by my side, but all of your fears
of my alleged wants and needs
How you couldn’t see
the little boy dying inside
Only aspirations of giving you more
The more, I never witnessed as a child
The more, that has only left my mind wild
I beg one day, that you see me again
For I am not this awful man
I pray you hear my words
If only you could hear them again
Maybe just once more, you’ll understand
This time

Am I just set in my ways
Am I just stubborn
To pray for you, long for you
To once again be by my side
Waves of despair and woe
Sorrow, that I was one, you’d forego
Weighted down by the sands of time
Staring to the horizon
Waiting for the rising tide
Is it all in the name of foolish pride?

Afraid to be with a man with a vision
Must be a reason why you taunt with fettering-fleeting contact
Look in the mirror, what love did you leave behind
Is he just another casualty
In the war that rages inside of you
I wanted to help you from that hell
The one you run from but fail to hide
All in the name of ******* pride
When all I said was I wish you were the girl
That would become my bride

What now

You’re the one I’d give flowers
Hold your hand wherever we went
Take your picture just because
Everyone says to let go
But what now?
When the heart wants what it does?
Forget about what it meant?
I guess I was never enough for you
Now you’re the one with the knife
Cutting me deep, too
Was your reasoning all really “because”?
Nights like these, I do really miss our calls
Hearing your voice, most of all

I swear to Christ
I feel like I’m being ******* haunted
Looking over my shoulder
Afraid to be out in a crowd
Memories of places we’ve been
Jokes we shared
Can’t even go to bed at night
It might not of been real to you
But these apparitions are sure real to me
I let you in, against all warning
Here I am now, praying it is you I wake to
Here I am now, in the mourning
Haunted by what could of been
My hands are tied
And I’m ******* drowning

Do you ever wake in the middle of the night
and wonder if I was dreaming of you too?
And sigh in disbelief and disappointment,
that we are not laying together, as we used to?
Maybe this is the time when our souls tangle,
hold hands and embrace one another.
Somewhere out there, in space and time,
things that are certainly beyond me.
I know that not everything is what it seems,
maybe I'm crazy, maybe I still believe.
But, how could it ever be, my love,
that my nightmares begin only when I wake?
Knowing full well, in my dreams that -
I feel that I'm finally home, in the right place.

You’ll wait til there’s gravel in my lungs
Til my guts are too far gone
Til my mind is rotten
To say, I miss you too

By the time you realize
That all I wanted to do
Was be by your side
To experience it all
By the time you understand
Why, I fought tooth and claw
Sank my knees through the floor
Begging you to see, what a mistake

I will be gone.

Reminiscing on the little things I'd pick up in my travels
Little things to put a smile on your face
Memories, that put tears on mine
Such as bringing you wildflowers
Trying to keep them fresh in a soaked bandana
Water I certainly could of used on a 90 degree day
A way to say thank you and that you're beautiful too
I'll never claim to be perfect
Just know, that I'd never stop fighting for you
But I miss picking up pebbles on my hikes
Scouring for the perfect one, each time
Carrying them for miles in my pockets
All the way back to you
As a way for me to say I love you too
Maybe, I'll keep picking up pebbles
And one day, carry them all the way back to you

I’m just a bright eyed devil, to be realistic
Sharp tongued snake
Somewhat dull personality
Dry sense of humor, sarcastic
Know too much about nothing of necessity
Callous outlook on most things
Anxious over every God ****** thing
Optimist in the worst of ways
Hopeful that I’m worth her time, sometime
I’ve got nice hair, most days, that’s about it
Heart too big, too many shoes to fill
Add **** writer to the mix
To the running list of ******* I can’t fix
No one ever listens to what I say
Truth of it all, is I’m at the end of the rope
Just praying for my own downfall

I'm taking too much on
Work, gym, writing, hiking, photography
Heartbreak
Loss of you
Loss of friend
Loss of man's best friend
When do I get to breathe
When do I get to enjoy being me
Pressure
Have your own place
Have your own family
Have your own time
When will I break
What more could it take
Too polite
Too kind
Too forgiving
All the positives
Turned against me
When did having a heart become a liability?

When I close my eyes at night
I whisper your name, as if you were there
I still imagine the times I’d hold you tight
When I’d fall asleep, nose in your hair
I mourn losing you as my someone
In my heart I know we are not done
The someone I believed to be my soulmate
How could we let this become our fate?
The love I have for you, my only one
This always was the story of you and me
All of my friends are tired of hearing it
All of my family just tells me to let it be
All of the signs point to setting you free
I don’t listen and maybe that’s my problem
So in all these spaces I cannot fill
I will continue to write to the world
On these pages, that I love you still

It is devastating to think
That after our first date
I thought to myself
That you would be the one
Who I'd fight the world for
Your smile, your laugh
Your patience, your kindness
How your eyes so softly met mine
How easily our fingers seemed to intertwine
And like a complete juvenile
Soaked ear to ear in naivety
I fell so ******* quickly
I loved every inch of you
I wanted to show you off to the world
The very same one
That you did your best to hide me from
Now here again, justifiably at the brink
It is time I love every inch of me

So please forgive me
For my panicked texts, when I feel that I can't breathe
My late night calls, when I can't take you off my mind

Please forgive me for how I can't calm down
When I step out, restless and just say your name to the sky
When I wake at 4am because I cannot sleep through the night

Please forgive me for when I reach out
Even when you ask that I don't
How I can't sit still when there is so much doubt

Please forgive me for fighting for us
When it's all I believe that I am meant for
For the things I say out of desperation

Please forgive me for begging for a sign
For how I feel so hopeless, seemingly no end in sight
Hopelessly in love with you, from afar, most of all when you're mine

They say that when you’re hungry
That you learn real fast what is important
I haven’t eaten in three days
Why is my mind still on you

Fear of wounds from the past
A broken man unearthed once again
Fear of unending convalescence
Stemmed from the spine of circumstance
Lingering pain of mistakes made in youth
Physical nightmares
Please forgive me, my corporeal self
My judgement was clouded
And now I am the better man
That I should have been back then
People say I'm lucky that I still breathe
A part of me died that day
They should of left me there, beneath the trees

Talk of looking at pictures of us, solace
Loving moments, yet eternal by nature
Embraces, that can’t go forgotten
How we love each other, at least in stills

Your grin, how it set me alight
The one, I wanted to capture forever
Oh my god, the one I wanted to call mine

Now it’s only flowers I can never deliver
Poetry seldom written, much less sent

Pictures of so much more, only in my head

And to think,
Somewhere out there.
Someone is seeing us together.
Even in the future, an instance exists -
where we are not apart.
Such a magical occurrence -
if only for a short time.
It still exists.
And will continue to.