Fall break came at the perfect time. And it's a memory I'll cherish forever -- waterfalls and falling leaves and sunshine and cold waterbottles and plaid flannel shirts named Rufus and milk bottles and miles of blue sky. Monday. Rain on my umbrella, smile for the camera. Tuesday. And then like waking up from a magical dream, blue carpets and textbooks and shifty-eyed girls in Ugg boots and my anxiety. Wednesday. Back to studying for midterms and I'll throw in a pair of borrowed shoes.

I've got hours to wait, so I went outside and Ron said "it's people like me and you who give a **** that'll get A's." Then I went back in and found a side hallway. I wrote down what he said and listened to the janitorial staff. She opened the supply closet and told her friend "come into my office" with a laugh. Five minutes later they came back out talking about how Jamie was ******* about them at nights but it looked to me that they were more ******* about Jamie, and whoever she is, she's apparently worthless. And I wonder if this is how to make friends, by chilling with the cleaning ladies. Actually, that would be a family tradition. Is this how you find your niche?

Now they've moved from talking about Jamie to school shootings and all the good cleaning closets to hide in. And I wonder if this is why I spent 17 years "sheltered", because I'd rather be safe than normal. I'm writing all of this in the back of my science notebook because when I write my fingers don't feel the need to pull at my scalp. Rifle my hair, maybe, but no snapping. And I have 45 minutes before I get another hour to wait.

Sometimes I walk by the art department and I always want to go in, but what would someone like me be doing there? I'm not an artist by any sketch of the imagination. But it's always dark in there and I wonder what goes on in that back hallway. Like this back hallway where I'm sitting with these collegiate white cinderblock walls. How much misery from the cleaning crews have they heard?

Everyone says I'll find my niche, but it's looking to me like all I'll ever find is empty corners and solitary benches. People are okay, but the only person I really have to fall back on seems to be myself.

You're eyes sparkle like the ocean,
They are as vast and blue too -

I wish I could swim in your eyes,
Forever looking at you.

He had salt water in his veins
I knew it from the moment our eyes met
His calloused hands proving worth
I needed to consume him
He reached for the flower in my braid
I led him down an alley

In my home he removed his hat
My clothes, my insecurities, my skin
He gave me shells from his life
I treasured them like coins

When he had to return to the Sea
He kissed my cheek
I bid him farewell
That was the beginning

Darkness is a normal setting of mine
Spending everyday with
Sleeplessness dominating
Jaded is what my life has become

I'm consistently drained
Mentally, physically, and spiritually
Having nightmares without sleeping
Living with no one in a packed household

Life ****** my poor fatigued body
black hallowed soul left me  
Drifting apart from being
Jaded is what my life has become

To rise like a phoenix we must burn first,
Hold the grail, kiss it and quench the thirst.
For all that is mighty and Royal today, be once all dirt must,
You are the flame, darling, you are the demon and the angel, but just.
Be the icarus and dont rest till the sun turns you to dust,
And then again rise like a phoenix, but lets burn first.

Societal elements will tell you whom to trust,
And whom not to but ask yourself first.
For the ancient opinions have nothing but rust,
Be benevolent being, and be just.
Then and only then would they follow you with gust,
Love is the key, remember and not the lust.
And if need be, kneel and bow down if you must,
And then again rise like a phoenix, but lets burn first.