Does true pain really go away, or does it get benched till another episode kicks in.

I’m not saying that I have a bad life
I have everything I need to survive
I have a job, roof over my head, support
I buy the things that I need and want
But for some reason I have a feeling in me that just does not want to leave me alone
I don’t feel like I’m worth it
Anything
I deserve nothing that would make me happy
Why? I honestly don’t know
No one understands what goes through my head
Im very insecure and constantly worried
I worry that people don’t actually like or love me
I worried that everyone thinks I’m annoying
Nothing helps me feel totally happy
Not money, family, friends, nothing
And I don’t know why.
I feel like I’m alone
No one is helping me fight my battle
A army of one
I have visions of me fighting
I have moments where I just sit in my room and drive myself crazy overthinking
I end up crying and fighting with myself
Yelling, punching things,  throwing things
And picking fights with my boyfriend
I love him I really do
But, I feel like my insecurities are pushing him away
He says he loves me but I don’t believe him
Why should I
I’m nothing, im not important to him
I feel like trash compared to the other girls he’s been with
He can do better then me

I want help and I need it but I don’t know where to get it
Self medication isn’t helping anymore
And it will get worse
I just know it
I know me

I gave up on this “friendship” a long time ago , the only reason your still here is because I’ve learned that I’m lonely with out us. I’ve fought so long on my own I’m scared of my own mind and I need someone to help me with my fear

I’m putting myself in situations that are about you but the situations doesn’t exist

Apart of me still wants you to love me back

I didn’t believe in love anymore because of you
I lost all faith in finding someone who would love me
I lost love in myself ....
I don’t think you know how much of an impact you had on me