Love exists

You once said I was loud so I became quiet
You once said I was selfish so I started to care more for others than myself
You once said I was illiterate so I flooded my brain with books and inarticulate words
You once said I was ugly so I put on so much makeup I was borderline unrecognizable

Loud
Selfish
Illiterate
Ugly

But then it’s too quiet
Then it’s self neglectant
Then it’s nerd
Then it’s fake

I couldn’t do anything right

You once said I was ***** so I wore short skirts and crop tops just like the rest of them
You once said I was different so I fit as much of myself that I could into a perfect little mold
You once said I was husky so I stopped eating lunch
You once said I was lonely so I started befriending more guys than I could count

*****
Different
Husky
Lonely

But then it’s ******
Then it’s wanna be
Then it’s anorexic
Then it’s *****

Trying got me nowhere and i’ll never be like everyone else
But wait.
Why would I want to be?
Since when I did I care about all that?
I was not loud I am just expressive
I was not selfish I’m just not open
I was not illiterate I’m just still learning
I was not ugly I just have flaws

Why did I believe you in the first place?

I was not ***** I just rock a turtleneck
I was not different we are all unique
I was not husky I just had thighs for days
I was not lonely…am not lonely.

So why would I change myself for the likes of you?

i.

i used to only write sad poems.

ii.

you see,
i am a cynic,
a cemetery,
a holocaust,
a chaotic, distant, lost girl
buried in her own
self-destruction.

but with you
i am different.

i want to wake up,
keep my promises,
make up for lost time,
spill blood and ink,
try again,
live

for you.

iii.

you walk me home
and the skies blush
pink cloud summers
mid-December.

we part and i marvel
at the sepia tint
of backyard roses
blurring my lenses.

you came in
like the missing palette color
i never knew
i needed
my skies painted with.

iv.

now, you are all the love poems
i didn't know i could write.

and every metaphor i create
is just a lengthier version of
'i love you'

i really do.

I can't keep you close if you are running away.
I can't heal if you are the one whose hurting me.
I can't hold on if you are letting this go.
I can't breath if you just leave.

I don't want this to end , but I am not willing to beg.
I don't want you , but I do so much.
It scares me and you know it does.

If you will stay I can't promise you sunshine.
But I do promise I will give you time .
To know me better , to understand me
I know I am not an easy person to be.
If you promise to stay and not walk away.
I promise to try each day
To make it better ,  to make US worth
To make you choose me ,
Even if I am not so perfect as I pretend to be
I promise to do whatever it takes..
But you have to promise me you will stay .

Stay for the nights I thought about you .
Stay for the days I hugged you .
Stay for the time when you thought I was made for you .
Please stay ,for me and you .

Its not going to be an easy journey
U know my flaws and I know yours.
But how can you ignore the thing that draws
You to me and me to you .
How will you ignore the smile you said I have that made you smile .
The funny faces you thought were adorable.
The little things that binds you to me .
The things you have to remember when you counting my flaws .
The things you have to remember while walking out of OUR.
The things you have to remember when you angry at me
The things that made you love me.

My self worth sleeps
with my self loathing
and the devil is watching
the whole thing go down
and whats one more scar
on a dented heart
and it hurts to breath
but it feels good to bleed
so I keep something sharp
underneath tear soaked pillows
and there is a dream somewhere
saying all this pain is worth it
and there is a reason somewhere
saying to keep my head up
and there is someone
who wants to listen
and there is someone
who wants to say something
and its all been said before
but maybe we can say it
one more time and maybe theres something more to living
than watching the devil
watch my self worth
sleep with my self loathing

When I start drinking
My **** does all my thinking
Hoes want to be seen with me
And I like their big, fake *******
D cups with extra filling
Take it out, let me lick it quickly
Calm down, it's just a hickey
I'll blame it on this whiskey sipping, gets me tipsy
Drink fast and enjoy your buzz