Dear Daddy,
5 months ago, you disappeared.
5 months ago, I found out in the newspaper
5 months ago, I wished I could just have one more day

Oh Daddy,
how I wish it wasn't so
how I wish it was only a dream
how I wish I had one more chance

I see your eyes, struggling to see the light.
I see your heart, slowing at each beating second
I feel the sheet wrapped around your neck, pulling pulling..
I feel your strong hands that used to hold mine, clench..

Tears, tears, tears... How did it come to this...

I miss you Daddy.

How dare I say I loved you
How could I?
I was broken, bent, weighed down
By my mere existence.

You picked me up
And I held on.

I was too busy being lifted
To see your breaking shoulders
You became my hope
And you began to lose your own

I never learned your dreams
Not in depth anyway
I was too busy with my sadness
That you tried to take away

I wish I would've asked to see
The talents in your grasp
The music you made
The world's you created

But I was a flooded river
And you were the shore
It's hard to say
Who swept up who

I wore you thin
How long can a man carry
A dead weight
And expect to be strong?

You began to pull away
And you began to slip up
You found solace in a familiar dance

Unprescribed yet medicated
Dosed with doubt
And lack of love

And me?
I still needed you
I still expected you.

And I blamed you
For not carrying me
When you were broken

We were twisted around each other
In substance and lack thereof
We crumbled trying to hold each other up

How could we?

How could I?

How could you?

None of this was supposed to happen.

I'm sorry.

God,
I love you, I hate you
I ask for your help, I wait for your guidance
where are you, dear God?
My palms are open, my heart desperate for mending
please, dear God, I need you.

Dad,
I was furious
I was desperate
I was foolish

I thought I could keep you out
I thought I could come back courageous
I thought I could hurt you as you me.

Dad,

you played the same game
you left this world so sudden
you gave me nothing to hold

Dad,

Im sorry.

strange dreams

 hazy afterwards

can’t tell if…

I don’t remember last night.

I laughed and laughed in the furthest depths of my mind, alone

until
 the man with the gun 

he got us

strange dreams 
with a new judgement 
held over them all
swallow and relax,
I do this all the time

yes, now inhale.
the dreams end I think 
can’t tell if… I’m…
I laughed and laughed 
a life to forget

When I leave I won't take
A framed picture,  an umbrella for the rain, a memory for the road
I will just look at the road ahead and stop talking with simple future
About where i will go and who i will be
I will just say
I go
I am

I am not ashamed.
I have survived the long, slow torment,
the only hell that is real,
the one that hijacks your mind,
steals away every thing that you love
and magnifies all of your fears innumerably.
I will not lie or hide myself away to appease you.
But instead, while you are judging me, too afraid to acknowledge your own darkness
I will have the courage to try again tomorrow.

Feel like ****,
Worse than that,
**** doesn't trip on its *****
And hurt someone it loves.
Stay up late,
Maybe all night,
Wishing on things
Shouldn't have said.
So dumb,
So very dumb.
Perhaps apologies
Will never be enough,
Perhaps, just perhaps,
They will be.
Stumbling blind through the dark,
Entering a land of infrared and
Ultraviolet lights,
Ones I cannot see yet
I manage to find
The roughest, toughest, darkest spots
And run full-force into them.
I must sleep,
Yet know not if I can.
I have less than 4 hours to rest,
Yet cannot away to that dreaming world
For knowledge of what I have now wrought
In this.