I caught myself tonight
in a fit of ungratefulness.
Not the worst thing in the world,
but pretty loathsome, I imagine,
to our Creator.

I noticed I missed an answered prayer.
And another right after that.
My God, I wondered to myself,
if I missed those...
how many others could
I have had?

The moral is easy,
I share it here for both you,
and myself.
Be ever thankful for every breath,
every moment,
just because it
isn't spent
in hell.

How much of me
is wrapped up in blue?

With ribbon,
and artifacts,
and oil portraits of you?

I know I'll never need you.
You don't need me,
not you.
But there are days when I'm pretending,
you see me as someone you still talk to too.

Tell me what to do.
When the shades of a blue bird match
everything I put myself into.

Tell me where to go.
I know no home or family
I roam alone, left with memories of each other but they're people I don't know.

Tell me how to get there.
When I have lost myself.
I need to be someone else, I need to be true. My wisdom usurps the things I have been through.

Tell me who to cling to.
When the results of clinging to people can be seen everywhere. We have to exist together, love together, help together. But die all on our own.

Tell me why.
Any, why.

Here I lie, to write again.
It is so easy, my friends,
to write of agony and of the end.
But it is much harder to soldier on,
to begin again.

I rest easy in the breezes of wind.
I don't ask why, as often
and I try not to pretend.
That there is a rhyme to each question of when,
but face honestly a blow that has been softened
by the presence of Spirit
and absence of skin.

The sun beams softly here
I never worry for my pale skin, a cherished feeling- no fear.
I lounge in between your love and a guitar player,
Sip on scotch as I shed inhibitions in addition to that last clothing layer
You can find me dancing,
Fueled by your continuous glancing.
I am usually alone, but this feels right.
Flames color me desire, I have found my favorable light
Waves whisper poetry to my soul,
No one has heard of "logic", here I feel whole.
Rays kiss my cheeks as much as you do
I exist to ensnare you with my feminine voodoo
Light and dark are the only forces here
Time gave up trying to catch us, now it settles for watching us disappear.

I am blooming,
into a human.

And it's consuming
I feel ruined.

I am just doing
what everyone else is doing.

Or is it truly
that insecurity is looming
overhead and I'm stewing
a girl with potential
for brewing
potions of resentment
and wrong doings.
I guess it is just me
that I am *******.
Whatever it means,
I'm through pursuing
these fruitless things
I keep doing.

I have a hard time fitting myself into a box.
I have a hard time giving myself (and God) space.
Like there's something I can do,
Say yes to this thing and that,
To earn God's loving embrace.

I am but a human,
But these lessons are taking so long to stick.
One day I am happy,
the next day I am sick.
There is a balance somewhere,
I am told, so they say.

But when will I ever find it?
When will I ever convince myself its here to stay.
If I'm trying hard to get this,
isn't it the same as trying hard to get that?

What if the lesson is not to try at all,  
But to trust God and relax?

Everything I thought I'd ever be
Everything I thought I'd ever do
Means nothing to me,
Compared to a reality with you.

Have you ever eaten a fruit and tasted pure life?
Waited for the perfect moment, and when you knew it, took a bite of sustenance that was just ripe.
And long after the vitamins, and juices fade
Succumb to the imitations they gave
Absorbing nothing but the feeling
That your insides are alright.
They give you enough to keep you alive and in sight,
but there are those who have woken up and see the shadows covered in real light.
They can end us all tomorrow,
But we'll come back with the power of knowledge we can borrow
We have the advantages to win our fight.
Spread the word, ain't you heard?
We've been alright.
This is just life.

Am I happy?
I couldn't do this on my own
Am I happy
Still walking alone
Do the days drag on
Do I wish them gone
Do I mourn those I have not met
Am I waiting to forget
It won't be cured by leaving
It won't be cured by staying
If you find my words deceiving
All I'm really saying
Is I need more than what I'm after
I need You to fill my soul
There is no happily ever after
Unless You, I behold.

I guess I get unimpressed
by most of which I read.
Even my own writings,
knowing fully how that seems.
A bit depressing to hear these tidings,
that tug gently at my seams.
Misery always seems inviting
on this side of the screen.
Where is the romance in delighting
of life and all its wonderful dreams?  
Am I the only one to get excited
at things I cannot see?
I cannot be the only one to share
what I believe.
I promise more awaits you than
lusting over sorrow
and feeling in between.

A nagging feeling in my heart all the time, like there's something I am forgetting when leaving the house or verses that don't quite rhyme.

Categories of people do not exist, their vices over your feelings will always persist.

Being alone is always better than miserable in a broken home.

Thinking when not scholarly might always lead to depression, regardless of your brillant thoughts on recession.

I am really good at judging whether or not you are a good person, just not if your definition of "good" is different from my version.

New found happiness fills the heart with warm waves and the feelings of sun kissing your skin, but it won't stop the smoke monsters and The Others from dragging you back in.

You do not have to be alone, there are soul mates around you already. But the mystery surrounding the romantic one leaves the heart just as heavy.

Praying feverishly for your enemy proves fruitless, will continue tomorrow...even if he continues bashing my God and scruples.

Three deep breaths really will change it all, releasing the human need to worry trust yourself to fall.  

Very few people are honestly worth your time, but you shall treat them all with kindness for it has not yet been made a crime.

Qualms arise for everything from A to Z, the secret is "be happy", for those who try to unlock freedom this is key.

End every day still with the urge to do good and you will be okay.

He isn't your typical Dad.
He knows my every thought,
My every ache,
My wounds.
And He didn't create any of them.

No, in fact He heals.
He takes my broken places
and he puts them back together.
Actually, He makes them even better.
He takes what wasn't so beautiful
and makes a masterpiece.

He is what everyone wishes they had.
In fact, He's there for all of them too.
I love Him, because He loved me first.
Yes, He loved me at my worst.
He has never left me for a moment.
Now, who has ever heard of a love like that?

I can wait.
For as long as it takes.
I can wait.
Because I was given strength.
I can wait.
Because perfect love casts out all fear.
I can wait for you, my dear.

The thing that makes this different
from any other love before,
is that I can't be indifferent
even if it is me you choose to ignore.

Even if the sun stops shining
and I am denied when asking for more.
I will still see your eyes and end up pining,
more than I ever was before.

There is an undeniable magic
when our souls are near each other.
Others may view this romance as tragic,
but I'd rather love you more than choose another.

You can break my heart repeatedly,
and fight with me heatedly.
But I will still feel a flutter
in all the right places, at every word you utter.

It might not make sense,
and paint me rather pathetic.
But around you now I forget the past tense,
and my heart waxes a tune most poetic.

I have found joy without
the one whom my heart swells for.
So I know I can continue on no doubt,
no matter how long we keep up this rapport.

Love me!
How hard could that be?
I wandered for twenty years searching for someone to see me.
Not my hair, or my eyes, or a smile, or smell.
Look me in my heart, tell me you feel my hell.
Whisper into these closed ears, block out the sounds no more I am here.
Revere, a promise to keep for you, my dear.
Hold the parts of me that keep unravelling
I am fine, but weary from endless travelling
And I never did learn how to sew.
Please, don't let that convince you to go.
I have built myself up so much, in order to be a pleasure to know.
With you, I swear to continue to grow.
Do not be deterred by my iron heart, turns out it is all just for show.

I noticed when I started doing good, I got it.
I noticed when I gave away things, I got them back.
I noticed when I sat in silence, I got the chance to speak.
I noticed when I settled for defeat, that was all there was within me.
I noticed when I let go, I let life.
So why aren't you smiling?
Look at me.
I am here right now, with all you can and cannot see.
I lived death out loud,
I lived to tell you.
I drink from the chalice of life and I will never be full.

Are you going to begin again?
When the lights go down,
The audience leaves,
and you have no friends.
Will you?
Just pretend,
for one moment,
that each day  was a gift and you opened it.
What would you find within?

A collection of, "I ****** up's", or "I'm nothing's", maybe even, "poor me's"?
If you took the time to pay attention you might notice:
If that's all you see,
That's all you'll ever be.

Out of love, inside friendship, I want you to know-
If I had never lost you, I would have never learned to grow!

These things should be simple enough.
When the back-aching, soul-crushing, monotonous work day is done, what do I look for? Simply love.
I look to you with tired eyes,
They beg for nothing but an audience for the song my soul cries.
It sings in another language, but you could understand if you tried.
Sought after someone to listen, so hard, that when I was met with nothing...I cried.
Honestly, I could have died.
Just laid crumbled in defeat, thinking "I tried..."
But I wasn't built that way, my DNA whispers inside my bones, "fight another day".
So I pulled myself up with tough love and determination to find another way.
I began filling all my crevices with beautiful words, and writings that made me feel heard.
I grew nerves, signed up for classes, hobbies, and wrote new words.
I let myself remember you fondly.
And when that hurt too much I wrote beyond it.
I tried love again and failed.
I missed you so much then I think I got kicked out of public places for how loudly my heart wailed.
I put on my cat-woman outfit and slunk to your aid.
And every time you left me behind to feel brainless over the messes I made.
And then you came back.
My heart flew to heaven, and grew addicted to you like crack.
Then you shot it, an angel that only basked in your presence.
It's falling to earth, bleeding from your lack of reverence.
Right before your bullet pierced it, it listened to your soundtrack- a score of brilliance.
Now it hears no music at all.
Just memories of heaven, as its lifeless body continues to fall.

I am not infallible.
Nor the almighty, powerful.
I am not creator
I am not better,
but I am.
And the differences lies in my believing,
what
I
**am.

I have already failed,
When I wish you were the victim instead of them.

I have already failed,
When I wanna hurt anything living inside the same kind of skin.

I have already failed,
If I feel anything other than love.

I have already failed,
But I'm not giving up.

You are real.
So real.
Flesh and bone.
Made with me in mind.
Made with destiny in mind.
Made with the Kingdom in mind.

You are going to be mine.
What an honor.
What a privilege.
What a reason to praise
Jesus.

You are everything I have prayed for.
You are more than everything I prayed for.
You are surprising to my hope.
You are the best friend I could ever ask for.
You...look...like...Jesus.
You make me look like more like Jesus.
And you're here.
You're coming.
To me...here.

And I won't have to run.
I won't be afraid.
For long.
I won't mess it up
And you won't be like them.

This will be a new love.
This will be God's plan.
This will be love.

There is one who has walked with me,
never missing a beat.

Though I ignored his presence because it fit me,
I was blind and could not see.

The war that lives within me,
a war of which most do not speak

Is a war of good and evil,
where my biggest enemy is me.

I'm supposed to be studying for Sociology,
But instead I'm researching the best ways to affect change without having to learn political policies.

I should have eaten lunch,
But I chose a two hour conversation with an old teacher who thinks I'm a genius, but my hopeless cause can't be won.

I should not smoke,
But I love the relief it brings me in this world that thinks humanity is a joke.

I should have grown up happy and well adjusted,
But my parents were not in love with each other, just the "American Dream" they naively trusted.

I should feel love in every atom on this earth,
Instead I feel the vibrations of energy that puts itself into greed, power, and lust to determine self-worth.

Today I am going to counseling.
A boring subject for a poem,
but thank you for allowing me,
to spill my guts here
it's kind of empowering.

At least here, the people who comment
are focused on my writing...
Which is really just a reflection of themselves,
but hey, I'm not fighting
it,
more like
inviting,
because any chance for you to put
yourselves in my shoes is alright, and
I miss the opportunities to connect
because I am doing the same thing.
Like being too busy trying to dial out,
while the phone is trying to ring.
Like living out in the open and always
complaining I'm not free.
That's just me.
But things still remain to be seen.

...I just hope I still write beautiful poetry.
.

I'm so thankful you see my heart.
Thankful that the world can turn away from me,
but you will never depart.
I thankful there's a home for you
on the inside of me.
Thankful that for with me
you died to be.

Thank you that I don't have to write with any rhythm.
I don't have to sing in key or on pitch,
and never have to look a certain way for you to love me.

You just do.
And I'm really trying to do the same.
I'm trying to get to the basics again.
To remember there is only One
for me.
It is you. It will always be.
My Lord and God,
the maker of my soul.
The love of my life.
There is no other.
There is no other.

I think every flower starts with a dream
To help the others
Grow tall
To live with esteem.
Sometimes there are weeds
who come between.
These flowers and all
the pretty things
they could bring.

I guess this is just a case of the "Do Better Blues"
Because I don't want to be any better, than your best perception of you.

If I can dare to shine, you can too.
For that inner beauty pines to come out of you.

Release and let go,
of all that you think you know.
of all that haunts your soul.
of all that you give control.

It doesn't have to exist,
release yourself and focus
String your passion like Christmas lights across your soul,
For only this kind of shared love will make you whole.

The more you know,
A dangerous game, though the rewards out measure danger
You must learn to accept your woe,
Learn to live without anger.

If you find yourself saying, "It's impossible."
There's something you must know.
The impossible is only improbable,
because you said it's so!

I am a dying breed*
sent forth to make you believe
I see in all things
The power to transform to higher beings.

I'm still hidden.
You've convinced me
this life is worth livin.
Out of all those taking,
I'll still be one giving.
Your life is the life
I hope they see me living.

You have never stopped reaching,
even when I returned.
You beckoned my heart higher,
For fullness your Spirit yearned.

You lavished affection
on a broken heart.
You told stories of romance,
that shot light into the dark.

When I thought that I knew you,
You educated me still.
When I thought it could go no deeper,
you opened up a well.

You will never change,
despite my wayward heart.
You charge us to usher heaven,
you champion all our less than parts.

Your love will reign forever,
all creation knows your name.
The king of Victory,
King of Heaven,
King of Glory,
You will always reign.

Life has changed so much.
I haven't written as often as I would like,
and I can't tell whether that is good or bad.
I just know that it is.
And I'm learning I'm not ready for you.
An epic to behold in front of me,
and I would rather stay in the Shire.
I am not yet the hero you may need.

Even those words probably show how unready I am.
For if I have learned anything, it isn't that you need a hero.
It isn't that I "need to be" something before we meet.
I need to be all about Someone before you come along.
Yes, I need to be Consumed.

I cannot fake that.
I cannot concoct that.
Conjure it.
It is up to me, but I cannot get there without
authenticity.

I can't wait to share that brilliance with you.  
The light.
The magic
of all that God is to us.
We're gonna have a dreamy time together.  
I just know it.

So,
I have to go get ready now.
See you some time.
Hopefully soon.

Love,
me.

Save the words that you don't mean,
like holding back water that begs to explode in laughter
from your lips.

Save the hurts from which you cannot be redeemed,
You'll regret the unforeseen things you can't control
if you let them slip.

One day you'll be fine and serene.
Yet the moment "Sleeping" hits you at 4:44
you will be fine no more. No, you'll be a mess.

Friend, sadness does not stay at bay.
Regret doesn't live forever, either.
but one day...
One of them will stay. Though you'll choose neither.

You'll sit with it instead of the one you love.
And you can't hug regret, for it's not the same stuff
that you are made of.

And we're not supposed to live this way,
I've been doing a **** fine job. But when
I picture your face...
and the life we planned to have...
I just feel robbed.

But I know it is my own doing. A path I chose that got me here.
And just know it is myself I was *******, to be without your love oh, my dear.

It's a better life I'm pursuing. Free of fighting...free of tears.
And I know that's both of our doing...
Both of us that got me here.

God can take all the credit for what I'm doing,
and I hope he's helping you the same.
You were the brightest part of my life,
until unto Jesus my soul came.

Sometimes, I do not recognize myself.
And I think this is good.
For who I once was
Of that, mostly came no good.
I can laugh loudly now.
I can love the Lord.
Take comfort in His rod and staff
though my heart is pierced with the sword.
I comfort myself knowing that you are not mine, but only our Lord's.
Because He will take far better care of you,
Than I ever did before.
When my heart is like this...it feels oddly full, yet at the same time sore.
I pray your heart is fuller than any other man's, and all good things come to you through our Lord.

I am putting us
to Song and Dance.
A melody for pain,
A chorus of chance.

Your actions replay
in the refrain.
I see myself again,
crying in the rain.

We sit and have coffee,
I kiss your child.
But I relive the tragedy,
to put it mild.
Heartbreak and angst,
but we're healthy and whole.
What will writing this testimony,
do to my soul?

Born with this whisper, reminiscent of young Marilyn, Audrey, and Jackie, she says we must be the most beautiful creature to capture your attention.
She says to fear one another, for your sister may jeopardize your happiness.

She says winged eyeliner in a necessity.
She says pink is the new black.
No, purple.
No, it's black again.

She says you must care more for these things than books.
The key to prosperity for us is all in our looks.
She says to dream, but not so large that you scare away future prospects.
She says to marry a fortune, and covet thy last name.
She says vanity is the game.

But what if you learned she was really a he. That insecurity is a tool he uses against you. Women of history endured, so we could be more than what they have convinced us we are:
Baby makers.
Maids.
Strippers.
Victims.

Yet, as you walk up to the checkout, in whatever corrupt corporation's super market you shop, you still reach for the picture book that preaches submission to men. You still subscribe to "89 ways to change who you are in order to get a man". You still put toxins on your skin in hopes to become more attractive. You still judge each other without knowing the other's story.

But you haven't yet thought, " What if I was raised to believe being **** is being smart?"



The voice telling you "You can't" is your own.
The voice telling you "You never will" is oppression.
Isn't it about time we started teaching the infinite beauty of a woman's mind?

What more is there to say?
What more is there to do?
When on any given day,
I am the enemy to you.

Forget the trials that cause dismay,
forget the world which makes us blue.
I am more evil than all that when you hate
me in this way that you do.

I want to feel the sun upon my face,
I want to take a long warm dip with you,
but none of that is coming my way
it's a long cold winter for which I am due.

I will suffer all my days
**** me if it's true,
you don't need me anyways,
Now that last part is surely true.