People have no idea
of the sadness within me
The saddest part is not the missing
but the lack of missing.
My world upside down
only 9 years old.
I have no clue how I survived.
And now it hits me.
Only 3 years younger than you
when you left us.
It has been 17 years since that day.
And now it hits me.
The chances of me getting older,
older than you ever were.
It hits me like a brick now and then.
In 3 years time alot can change
but for now i'm fine again.
I'll tell you all about it
When I see you again dad.
Today it hit me that I am almost as old as my dad was when he died.
The departure is brutal.
To say the least.
The waves goodbye harder and harder.
Not only a fysical blow but a mental one.
I see the tears in your eyes.
As you ******* a last kiss.
I watch you board the train.
Mood set on sadness.
Sitting in the car getting my train of thought together again.
Listening to music.
Seeing the passenger seat empty.
A emptiness in my mind and heart.
Only comfort to be found,
is in the next date you'll come over.
That is the only thing that keeps my fear at bay.
Being not together is weird and slightly unnatural
But for now it is the only way.
And as we made an agreement before
I'll see you again friday.
Like every week before.
Being a hopeless romantic I always become sad when see has to go away.
But it keeps me going knowing see will be back in a few days. I might not always show it. But she means alot more to me.
I've come to the point
To the crossroad
of my chosen path
Choices surpress me
Letting go feels wrong
Carrying on feels wrong
The choices between past and future
pulling from all directions
Dividing me in all directions
You can see my pain quite vividly
As I look at the path ahead
Turn my head and look a little while back
I feel torn apart
I feel a soft touch
A very familiar smell
A smile only one could have
Centering my every emotion
A balance I only knew from a distant memory
I look at the path where I stand.
And suddenly the pieces fall together.
This is not my stop
But this is where I step off
This is where I let now decide
We put on foot in front another
slowly walking to what nobody knows
But this is exactly where I need to be
Not my stop
But almost , and quite clearly
Something what some people call
We walk at the beat
We rebel against our own heartbeat
We see no reason for living
And clearly the only thing we do
is giving love to those around us
We live for the joy on
filling in their black spaces
Pushing back the terrors from past memories
We do not understand how you could not have been loved
How nobody saw the sadness in your smile
the happiness in your tears.
How could you live without
somebody telling you
You look beautiful
You are worth much more than the room you take in this cold room
We fail to see your mask
you held up for so long
We see your walk
We embrace the evil within
We do not fear what we can't see
But it makes us go
It keeps us awake
This is the walk of desparation we always take.
Desparation is about seeing peoples pain but also the hope and good you can do by helping and talking
As we walked through the front door.
Leaving behind the place that only recently became a place of happy memories.
We take heartbreaking steps towards the car.
Wishing we would have enjoyed it even a little more.
A little longer.
We drive , but keep strong.
We grabbed something to eat to fill the time remaining.
We laughed a few times.
Sweet became bitter as we walked upon the train station platform.
A final drag of our sigarette.
The , for now atleast, final kisses.
Both not great at goodbyes.
We try not to cry.
Her heart racing against mine.
The doors close.
The train starts to move.
I look back a last time.
Hoping I oversaw her in a crowd.
I comfort myself.
Knowing that I can say
To her again.
We all have these moments.
Sleepless at night.
Staring at a ceiling.
Waiting for the light in our head to go out.
As I lay beneath the darkness of my ceiling.
I can only remember the softness of her skin.
The way she breaths in her sleep.
The tender parfume she has.
It is not the lonelines keeping me awake.
It is the lack of comfort I get from her.
That is what I miss in these dark cold nights.
— The End —