"What was it like to lose him?"

"It isn't one single feeling when it happens. It's an empty feeling, that follows you around forever and ever."

-bcg (it never leaves)

Don't say I didn't love you
And don't say we couldn't try
Don't say you didn't treat me right
Because you always kept me from the lies

Darkness Is A Blanket
It wraps me around
The smell of ominous uncertainty
Yet I’m allergic to being wrong
So my skin seems to puff up
My eyes turn bloodshot red
From all of the steam
That cleans out my gears
To move my rusty engine
That is odd
When I think of you
I feel a sharp pain
It’s where my heart used to reside
Before you snatched it
And pounded it
Tenderizing the love
I gave to you
Before you fed it
To the dogs,
Who tendon by tendon
Ripped my soul
From all of the movie nights
And all of the concerts
We use to venture off to
Now my artificial heart
Is asking my insides
Why is there this knot
In his chest.
Looking for answers
That escaped the camps
Through the tears of my eyes
Because darkness is a blanket
Called you

The boy sees the same screams as the hospital
His parents paint the walls with pain and regrets
You see the rest of the family are looking down
At the boy who ****** it all up
The oldest son says
“We should leave him somewhere, like the zoo”
“He is broken isn't he?”

The mother takes him to the park
So the bruises will be drowned
By laughter and the grains of sand
The sun gives false hope to the mother
Stretching it’s tentacles
Feeling happiness on her checks
Hope that the boy could get fixed
Because autism makes him broken right

But the mother snaps back
like the hats that hides her tears
Because she knows
What Daddy does at night.
Daddy baptizing his liver with poison
So he can lose the feeling
of missing his kids while he is working
30,40,50
The hours keep climbing
Like his temper with mother.
Another night of children
Hiding their heads under pillows.

I left my fake smile
At my house
Next to my innocence
I hide my fears
In a locked cabinet
Near where I hold hate
The hate that makes the floorboards
Creek deep within the night
Trying not to wake up the past
So I can sneak a few handfuls of Cheerios
To help crave my selfishness
I want you to count
The dark circles around my eyes
The circles are like the center of a tree
The amount of circles counts up
To the last time I had imagination
Come play at my house
This house is nothing but a butterfly net
It captures all the beautiful things
That flap around my life