This path I walk is cluttered,
with the awkwardness of the past.
Although I stagger forward,
my steps are far from straight.

I have no map to guide me,
down this well walked trail.
Only hope in the distance,
And the cold on my back.

As I aimlessly continue,
the volume of darkness rises.
I am surrounded by nothing,
with everything in the way.

With no vision to trust,
I walk slowly through deceit.
The path has now faded,
leaving me standing still.

Absence is strongly present,
harboring this beaten vessel.
Assuming full control,
damaging my infrastructure.

Illusions of reality creep,
glimpsing but mere frames.
Awareness dawns periodically,
despite my reluctance to admit.

Yet, remaining truths surface,
the wake - unbelievable.
Time escaped visibility,
Carving its deep path.

Grasping for any remnants,
attempting to secure myself.
Facing my consequences,
the outcomes of poison.

She always said I was strong,
and I never believed her.

I still don't.

I count on my best friend,
to tell me how it is.

She tells me I'm strong,
I think I understand....
I can always make the hard choices.

Even if it hurts.

The most recent choice,
was the hardest yet.

If you love someone,
let them go, they say.

I let her go...

She wouldn't admit it,
but things were bad.
I became a stranger-
to myself.

I couldn't love her enough,
because I'm angry all the time.
I couldn't help myself,
because I worry about her.

She doesn't understand;
she thinks we can manage.

But why?
Why should she manage?
Why should I manage?

Why can't we live?
For ourselves.

I've always said,
you never know what will happen,
and that everything,
happens for a reason - whatever that may be.

Maybe...one day,
in the future,
I will be ready for her.

She is amazing,
and now...
she's gone.

So often in life, we face crossroads;
never knowing which path to take,
or where each path takes us.

Sometimes, we stumble onto them,
other times we run for them,
but either way, we keep moving.

How do you decide which path?
Are the decisions weighed,
or are they just made?

Do you trust your instincts?
Follow your heart?
Listen to your brain?

Which one is right?

Fear.
It's always there.

Fear of making a mistake;
of failing.

Fear of loss;
emptiness.

Yet, there's also hope.

Hope, that it will be better,
that it's for the best.

Hope, for a brighter path.

Hope, that the change,
is worth the pain.

How do you decide?

You must listen,
to everything inside.

Then take it,
one day at a time.

You talk about that day, and my gut wrenches.
You say..you will never get over,
the things he did to you.
That you will always have fear;
making my heart shatter ten fold.

How do I accept the burden, I placed on you?
How do I face the mirror, knowing it was me,
that did this...to you?

How can I be so selfish,
thinking of how I have to live with this?
How can you forgive me,
and still tell me you love me?

How can I fix the biggest mistake I ever made?
How do I live with this regret?

You're always so willing to forgive,
and so right, to never forget.
How can I ever make it up to you?

The only thing I can do...is to make you a promise.

A promise that I will never forget how I betrayed your trust.
I will never forget the pain I caused you.
I will never forget the burden you carry, because of me.
I will never forget how awful of a sister I am.

A promise that I will always be there for you,
the way I should have been.
That I will never let anyone, including me, hurt you again.

A promise that I will honour to my death.

You may have forgiven me...but I could never forgive myself.
I will always remember what I did.

I am the judge of my life, despite those who will judge me.
My judgement is the only one I deserve, and with it,
a life sentence of torture; remembering.

I do not deserve to forget.
I do not even deserve your forgiveness.
But I shall remain here in this world,
spending my life, keeping my promise.

Something is wrong.
I don't know what,
or why.

This awful feeling inside,
makes me want to explode.

I can't think...
I don't know where to begin.

I can't breathe...
there's no air in the room.

I can't focus...
so many thoughts at once.

I can't scream...
because I'm suffocating.

I can't lose control...
if I do, it'll be over.

I don't know what to do.

Every sound brings...
more anger,
more frustration,
more confusion,
more anxiety.

All I want to do is escape this.

I am angry....
because I can't make it go away,
because I don't know how to deal with it,
because it causes me these feelings,
because I have no patience.

I am angry because I suffer from anxiety.

I just want it to end...

Public transit, a nightmare.
Yet there I sit, going through my day.

The music in my ears, a trigger.
A thought...

Grade four, and it's lunch time.
My brother and I, are at home.
There we stand before him, waiting.

Then the blow.
Each a fist to the forehead...
the wall - our security - it holds us up.

I can't remember why...
Why he did it.
Why we deserved it.

A tear nearly escapes, as other's board the bus.

Like a train, they're connected.
One follows another.
The next thought, unwanted.

The day, unclear.
About twelve years of age.
A day I will never forget.

At the bottom of the stairs,
he cried out in pain,
and I was helpless.

He beat him,
she did nothing in fear,
and we all heard, helpless.

The song has changed,
and the next thought follows.

She was maybe ten,
she did nothing wrong,
but she upset him somehow.

He grabs her, picking her up,
then throws her sideways,
at the bedroom wall.

She falls onto the futon,
and I stand in dismay.
Why? I don't understand.

I can't do this.
I can't think about it.
I have to move on.
It's a new day, and I'm trying.

Trying to get through the day.
Trying to get past this trauma.
I can't cry in front of these people.
I can't let it in right now.

Can they see me?
Do they know what's happening?
Am I wearing it on my face?

I take three deep breathes,
and steady my heart.
I clear my mind and say;
Let it go. Focus on today.

I repeat once more.
Three deep breathes;
Let it go, focus on today.

*Did anyone see me?
Did they notice?

...no one saw me.
Thankfully.