Don't make me fall more deeply than I have,
The hole I've fallen into still has handle bars.

But deeper, where you're dragging me,
There is only one way out.

Down.

I felt
A wave
A chill
Down me
Through me.

It ends
Chapter four
No more
Chapter five
Slowly alive.

Sun shines
On rain
Old rain
It heats
Goes away.

Rain.

I'm a pacer.
It gets me places.
It gets me out of my head.

I walk
I turn
I walk some more,
And I calm down from what was said.

Ze said it's self soothing.
I say it's just anxiety.

I say it's torture because I have to choose,
Do I let my feet ache,
Or my head.

Sweat,
By god you make me burn,
The fire lit, the charcoal glowing
I feel it once more
I'm functioning
This furnace burns
Bright as day.

If I found it was all a lie,
*I would die.

I cut my hair because I was done being sad.
All that weight on my head and shoulders
All that hassle of preserving an illusion
All those memories of her.
I cut it off.

But here I am,
Sad today.

So now what do I cut.

Then rip it the rest of the way. Cause **** that paper.

Thank you,
Your heart is so kind,
Forgiving,

You are warmth.
You are joy.

I can’t Victoria,
I can’t top hat,
I can’t ballroom,
Sorry,
I’m not classic.

No white gloves, walking sticks,
    or carriages
    for me.

I’d much rather float round town on a craft,
    of hover and light
    and love.
I can’t play this game one step at a time,
Tradition will be broken,

I’m sorry.

-June 14th 2013

I can feel it,
Muscles pulling at my mouth,
My smile is lit,
I have my old mouth,
It smiles, it jokes, it breathes,
I am back,
Revenged my thieves,
Found their shack,
And killed them,
Strangled their necks,
Drained them,
Now I know what’s next,
To win back what was mine,
I’m not fearful to walk this line.

-May 1st 2013

A month ago,
If somebody told me,
My soul had a match,
And her name was Jami,

I’d tell them,
I’d say no,
But that was,
A month ago,

Way back then,
I was scarred,
Blood all over,
Healthy seemed far,


But since you said love...

My minds been a haven,
And the kisses you give me,
    Heaven.
My heart was your capture,
And when you held me,
    Rapture.

A month ago if you said,
A new girl’d walk in your head,
Plant a new mustard seed,
And watch and see,

See your head split with,
Passion so mythic,
And fruits so clever,
It’s like never.....    Before.

A month ago I was a shell of a man,
But now I’m walking on this new land.
Haven.
Rapture.

-July 6th 2013

She controls my brain
I control my brain
She controls my brain.
I fixate.

It’s only two eyes and two lips,
    I tell myself.
She’s part of your past, stop worrying,
    I lie.
Look the other way and it won’t hurt,*
    Ouch.

How do you expect me sleep
With you circling every thought.

Like the leaves of autumn,
You're everywhere I walk.

And stepping on these leaves of yours
Produces my favorite sound.

Tonight that sound is too loud to sleep through.

Six hundred feet away
The PA system of the nearby school comes on

Ding **** ding
"Good afternoon students! Let's have a wonderful afternoon here at __ Academy!"

I wake up and look around and realize I'm okay.
I have no overwhelming desire to die or eat or cry or complain or to really do anything.

I'm happy.

There's few things God and I have in common.
But I can think of one.

I get lost in your eyes. Figuratively.
And He got lost in your eyes. Literally.

<deleted>

Love has never hurt me. As negative and as pessimistic as I can be, I love love. Nothing negative has ever come from being so wholly connected to another person.

Love is indescribable. If it means anything, I still think of Annie every day. Every time I look up at the stars I see her pale skin and her York peppermint patty eyes. I miss her everyday. And I think about what she's doing over in San Diego and if she has enough to eat and if she's safe and if people treat her right. And I want to follow her, but I choose not to because I love her enough to let her go. I know she wouldn't have me now, and I won't force it. But I love her and I want her to be okay. And if she comes to me one day, I will be happy, and if she doesn't, I will still be happy to have loved her and been with her.

I dream with her. About her. And I sing songs about what it was like to be blessed by her. I remember the smell of her hair and how soft her cheeks were when I touched them. I remember holding her in my arms as we looking at children's puzzle books and solving them together. Laughing and smiling so innocently. I'm smiling now, even knowing I almost ended my life days ago. Even knowing I may never see or speak to Annie Wright again. I loved her and that was pure and is pure.

A shudder in my chest,
Violence in my hands,
Clouds past my eyes,
A pain in my brain.

A Temple ruined,
Once for sacred worship,
Now only for memberance,
And maybe a lost follower.

"God, I know what you did."
Kneeling, he keeps praying,
"I know you're not perfect,
But you're perfect for me."

Hopeless turned hopeful,
A light turned black, then back,
A God losing faith.
A worshiper who didn't.

Are you determined or terminated.

Will you push,
Will you shove.
Go in strong,
Come out soft.
Go in weak,
Come out free.

Will you push,
Will you shove.
Or will you pull,
Like the strongest.
Gods of men,
Men of children.
Blades of bats,
Books from trash.

Will you grow.
Will you go.
Like the strongest
*Gods of men.

Cosmoline
And steel.
Finely tuned,
Blued and forged.
This rifle works
A perfect machine.
Designed to pierce and ****
It does it job.

One cartridge
7.62x54R.
Loaded,
The bolt clicking firmly
In its place.
I smell this machine;
Gunshot residue.

I feel this weather stock,
Fraying and polished.
It feels soft in my strong grip.
I squeeze this death.

I rest it firmly against my forehead.
My heart pounds
And I breathe deep breaths.
Adrenaline.
Exhale.
I'm gone.

Wake up.

Eyes jut open,
Laying on the hard wet sand of a beach,
Unbeautiful.

Gray.
Tan.
Cold.
The colors felt.

Change your ways.

Wake up warm.

Prometheus bound
Covering ground with his boulder
Up, then down. Then up.

This Prometheus has had enough of this
His arms begin to crumble, sand.
The boulder he's bound
Reverses ground
And kills him.

Can't push this rock forever.

"I want to cut my wrists."
That's how I know
I'm not okay.

I scream those words in my head
And then ignore them.
Daily.

When I think about it,
I can feel a sort of
Euphoria
On my left wrist.

I'm not proud of this in the least
In fact,
I hate it.

I hate how those scars
Keep showing up
And I hate how I want
More.

I hate it
I hate it
I hate it.

She stops- freezes, rather.
Her skin more pale than ever.
Her goosebumps visible on every inch of her naked body.

Her eyes seem colder, more blue.
Her ******* rising and
Lowering erratically with her searching breaths.
******* like diamonds.

Goosebumps as we touch.
Adrenaline. Hairs standing.
Every contact is a shock to the nervous system.

God, her skin is cold.
I grab the blankets and pull them up.
We kiss and warm up
Together.

As it was four months ago,
Hello.
I am right here,
in the same seat,
with the same drink
and the same-                                              think.
much has changed except my love,
but even that sits stasis,
not moving places,
Fake it.
I'd love to, really,
but I can't,
I love her.
I love her too.
And every day that I look into a mirror,
I want to cover my hand with scars of broken-




**Glass

You never left in mind, only
Body .

Shoddy job,
Too.

One minute there,
Next minute gone.

Gone
For minutes long.

The days.
The daze.

The haze in this valley
Couldn't hide the moon,
Only amplify it.

Just like you.

To dare not tell the ones I dream of
That I do
Is to revoke a right they have earned.

You stuck in my brain,
The lot of you,
And it is my thoughts you now burn.

I feel guilty for withholding
so few words,
But I can't bring myself to speak.

The effects have lingered,
Their personalities
Every single one of them is unique.

I wake with their faces and
I stare at my phone.
These are just memories
That I can postpone.

It’s funny how the poles of love and hate can be so easily flipped,

Like turning an hourglass,
The store of sand will flow equally backwards,
Like going up the hill is slower than down,
    And so quickly you can go below,
Like how fun playing in water can be,
    Until you start to drown,

It’s funny how the best and worst emotions
Come and go
Hand in hand.

Carve me, woman,
Call me a sham.
I donated my care,
I was gentleman.

You built a wall,
You stabbed me,
Ignored, abused, dedicated,
I didn't flee.

I wanted you,
Needed you, Beau,
You were not, but
I was willing to,

      *wait.

We were put on this earth to suffer,
And that is what we're gonna do.

My mind torn in two,
    Brown and Blue.
The eyes,
    Their sights.

Which do I crave more,
    How should I war?

Drip
     Drip
       Drip
ThisDemon comes for me.

Dragging his Demon feet,
     scrrrrrrrrrrtch-. scrrrrrrrrrrrtch.*
Moving so ever slower, creeping- *CRAWLING FOR ME.

//He's coming for me. I know it.//

A Paw so animal in nature, he's Here for ME.
one bad habit too far...

Lucifer is*
     *Coming

I don't know what to do!
I'm losing her!
The young father cried to his parents.
What can I do?!

His mother spoke menials
Stupid remark of a sheltered woman
And a barely assertive lifestyle.

But the grand of fathers sat and listened.
He got up to leave.

Dad, please. What do I do?

I don't know. I couldn't even stop my own son from killing himself.
Don't ask me.

I have handed you a bullet.
I have handed you a revolver.
Load it,
                             **** it,
And pull it.

Cathartic dirt,
I lay.
Letting dust and bugs settle
On my skin.

Breathing damp musk,
Breathing particle air,
Skin cooled by old tile.

Embrace this darkness,
Embrace this entropy,
Give love to the chaos.

*I love it.

Silence by the waters edge.
An ultraviolet flower sits.
He leans over staring at his image reflecting.

Never could he have thought to go a day without her.
But here he sits alone, alive.
*I guess I really did it.

Would someone care to classify
A cadaver six feet below.
What if he arose
In the form of a ghost.
Is he a man
Is he a monster.
Is he in the gray which not men nor monsters touch.

Does he have a home
One not so cold.
Could he ever love,
Could he ever trust
Another.

Is he cold,
Or is he warm.
Do you measure that in degrees
Or personality.

Would someone care to measure
His heart.

It’s new to not be hurt,
Your hand in mine,
        My hair in the way of our kisses,
I want to be free finally,
Rid of this world I hate deeply,
Feeling you is like feeling peace.

Necessity of you gets the best of me,
And that’s really all I need.

Is it a sin to know beauty comes in more than one form?
Is it wrong to notice when a gleam is red not blue and gold?
Is it such a challenge to escape the **** lore
Is it too much you just lay down your cards and fold?

Cause it’s not for me,
Everyone knows,
Especially she,
How my heart goes.

My own body doesn't tick,
My virus spread,
It's like I'm sick,
Surprise I'm not dead.

I can't take another pill,
I've had my fill.

“I’ve heard it.”


I know.
I did not tell you to simply be discarded,
    By your precedence.
Listen to the tune I sing, scream and Love
        only slightly less than you.

Every time you say my name my heart skips,
Visible blushing on my cheeks,
Eyes get that much more happy,
Rinsing the dark patches in my heart,
You are worth any gem, any scar, any price,
Taking away the pain like you do so well,
Having the most wonderful eyes
In all of my clock’s sight.
Never say...
Goodbye.

You are my E.V.E.R.Y.T.H.I.N.G.

-July 3rd 2013

I flip it off.

Why did we fall in love?

When I am dead,
It's only because I lived.

Two lovers,
In a red wood,
Laying,
Together.

He traced the veins on her arm,
Gently.
She stared at him, at the little smirks he made,
His brown eyes.

He had been waiting for this moment,
For years,
Right here,
Alone, calm.

They loved.

There was no preconception of what to do,
It was like the world said “Go ahead,”
The canvas of which to paint was endless,
And the music, it kept playing,
And my feet, they kept moving,
And Earth spun backwards once more,
Time slowed down, I could see blood pump.
I could hear my heartbeat,
I could taste the air,
Pandora’s box was opened wide,
and everything was visible.
My gaze stretched as far as your mind’s eye can see,
And all I could see was you, Rapture.

-May 25th 2013

I was dumb and I was young and I thought I was ready.

I thought I wanted it.

Society told me, from day ONE
          That I did.
Nature told me, from day ONE
          That I did.
I convinced myself, from day ONE
          That I did.

And her body said
          "Marshall, you know you want it."
                    And so I did.


For months after that I hated myself.
I wanted to carve out those memories
         With any knife I could find.
I had betrayed myself
          And no sympathy or empathy could find me.
I had prepared myself for failure and executed it beautifully.
I had obeyed the hormones in my brain
          And the actors on TV.
I had become a product of society and evolution
          And I should have been happy
                    But. I. Wasn't.
My dreams became nightmares before
I could even fall asleep at night.

I wanted to forget.
But it's hard to forget one's own downfall.
One's own betrayal.

The scar tissue on my brain
Brought back all the pain,
No matter how hard I tried to fight,
I kept bringing myself back to that night.

                                                  I want to forget.

I know your wings are made of ash,
I know what we've become.
And if there was one thing I could take back,
It would be that night of love.

I know we said forever,
I know we wrote it down,
And if I was a little more clever,
Maybe I could drown that out.

But I'm not.
Never will be.
Loves gives you a lot,
Then steals it all and leaves.

Except for the flame that stays burning.
That's how your wings turned black.
Your heart was constantly turning,
And you ended up going back.