They call me faithless,
Little do they know how true that is.

Being without God is one thing, and I am that thing.
Being without Faith is another, I am also this.

But it seems like Faith may be with me, for I am trembling,
And no Gods ever help me.

Chemical escapes
Only escapes.
Mind space
Head space
Space out for a while, hours
Days.

There's something surreal about seeing the reflection of yourself snort *******.
I didn't like it.
I saw my eyes and I looked at myself.
Why are you doing this.
What lead you here.
Is this what you want?

****, I don't know what I want.
I want to be okay, whatever form that takes
*******, marijuana, 2C-B, diphenhydramine
It's all the same to me.

God, please God just fry my brain
Make catatonic this once glowing man
Take away my fire,
***** me.
Soil this once golden visage.

**** me inside so I don't **** the outside.
I pulled my rifle out today.
And admired it's absolute, cold, resolution.
A complexion of death engraved in it's blued steel.
A full metal jacket to wrap around my thoughts,
Keep me warm for the rest of my life.

I pulled this knife into my skin again
And watched drops of blood ooze from my shell.
My shell.
Shell.
Empty shell.

Sleep forever,
Shell or no shell,
I want to sleep until I'm better.
Or she is.

I feel guilt.
This isn't her responsibility,
This is mine.
She's dealing with her own ****
I have to deal with mine
But- GOD I think we can deal better
Together.

I'm sick of abusing drugs to escape
And I'm sick of sleeping
And I'm sick of hurting
And thinking of my death,
God, PRAYING for it while I sleep.

Get better Marshall.
Get well soon.
Just will yourself out.

Like I can do that.

It's chemical, these problems.
Some molecules in my brain fill some holes
And I feel better.
And I make better art and I smile and laugh.
God I want to smile and laugh.

I will Faust my soul away
If it brings more sunny days.
I will Faust my will away
If it makes you stay.

God, come back to me.

They say I look like a greaser,
Not sure that’s a good thing,
I dress nice, I guess,
I try to look clean,

But I slick my hair back,
It gets a Superman curl,
I smile and walk and talk,
Like I can get any girl.

You cannot own a human,
Even the most coolest.

Gotta let your​ senses overwhelm you
Gotta feed on carnal feeling,
Let those open wounds breathe through
Embrace the skin's red bleeding.

Feel love's cold sting singing
Feel Spring's flower's leaving
Even the smile that she's leaving.
The changing of the seasons.

Breathe in
Breathe out
Let pollen and dust into your ash and tar,
Look up at night, appreciate the stars.

And reach out
Far.
Farrer than far,
The space out there feels no spring,
It thinks our Earth is so bizarre,
The loving of these seasons.
The loving of these feelings
These bleedings
These breathings.

Pull it into our tar,
Pull the stars and farther,
Let the star stuff bleed you.
Let your human see through
Breathe through to glitter dust.
Pull similes to us,
Filter out the rest.

The space out there feels no love
No cove of blood and gut,
And could we teach it, yes,
But.

Let us breathe it first.

I can still recall the scent of my three loves.

Every night, sleeping is torture for my restless, substandard emotions.

I don’t want to keep living a life like this.

I can’t stand being away from you for so long.

Come to me and live with me, love me so.

I need comfort. Comfort from your soft lips and voice.

Concerts and friends and parties, none of it satisfies me.

Escape into my fantasy worlds forever with a bullet’s help.

But I couldn’t leave you behind to cry over me.

Marshall left this building months ago. Call me his corpse.

Revive me. Cry for me. Crave me. Lie for me.

And yes I get jealous,
But what did you expect.
I want your kiss, your touch,
I want every single one.
Okay, I love you,
I really didn't want to,
But I do.
And I don't know what to do.

I am a monogamous animal.
I want only one lover to be with.
And I want from you to feel the same way.

I love you so much it breaks my heart,
Every word you say gives me a start,

I’m terrified,
To clarify; I’m scared,
But, let’s not go there.

We have a future, that much is clear,
I think I know where to steer,
But, why here?

I want to run away.
Someday.

With you.

Love,
Dismiss my words if it pleases you,
But when I say love, I do not lie,
You may think my repercussions untrue,
The teenage seat I sit on is not high,
    by any stretch of the imagination.

Beau,
I asked for leave to find myself, no other,
I drifted the truths and fallacies in my mind,
Everywhere I looked, I found your eyes of thunder,
I clipped my wings so could not fly,
    rather I dug myself underground.

Jami.
I retired my soul into the shape of a seed,
I’ve undone any impure thoughts, confessed,
Gone into stasis, awaiting my lead,
Demoralized, destroyed, beat back by the stress.
    I can wait. I will wait.

“She brought me a bear,
It told me life was special,
You brought me a note,
It told me I was special.”

You tell me you get so afraid,
I tell you not to worry,
But I’m shivering,

When you say these things,
They seem so innocent,
But I imagine the worst,

I fear the lines hidden behind your eyes,
Hundreds of miles away,
    So easy to trick.

Don’t hurt me.
You say you couldn’t,
But you did before,
I can’t help feeling helpless,
I can’t even save you.

Our sentimentality is a bandage,
But sometimes my blood is too much,
It leaks through the stitches,
Soaks the wound in red,
        I fear bleeding out.
And a whole lot more.

*Hold me.

Why do I sit and stress over these simple things I know,
Every day that passes just brings us that much closer,
It will happen, that I’m sure,
And we will have that moment I long for,
No structure can restrict it, no rule constrict it,
If you keep breathing, I’ll keep believing, and it will come,
If you keep staying, I’ll keep praying, and it will come,
Were we supposed to live this way, or will it please go away,

I can’t look at the night sky and not long for you,
I can see the formation of flowers and not see you,
I need you,

It was the first time it’s been like this and everything was fine,
It was the first time I’ve felt like this and I feel so fine,
It was the first time you looked like that, you are so fine,
It was the first time I took this chance, it feels so fine,

And every time I look up at night, I see your face,
And every time I sleep at night, I feel you with me,
And every time I open my eyes, I long for yours,
And every time I feel this way, I want you with me.

-June 21st 2013

I don't quite understand the 'you and I,'
It's good, of course, but I can help thinking
'Could it be more?'

There's a fallen tree
67 degrees in angle
It rests on that arch.

Amongst these ruins
I feels safest of all.


No man or bad will
Can harm me here.

I am with nature.

You are the rising sun,
You are the lighthouse during the storm,
You are the fire I follow,
You are the one I call home,

You dry my rain,
You take away the pain.
Please, take away the pain.

I know you said it was over,
I know I said I agreed,
I know you walked away,
I was content,
For the time being

But for some reason,
It is you I keep seeing,

I can’t shake this feeling.

I can't capture these emotions with words.

Shells I see in all of you
Shells on the outside too,
Flesh prison I've heard it called
I'm sure to you this isn't new,

The image of us is too simple,
These cages trap our earthly being
Much like the fence around a temple
There's sometimes more than what you're seeing.

But I don't see much anymore,
Not inside or out.
My *** drive is long past dead,
And much of my hope has gone south

I don't think that we are more
Than what we appear to be,
The furthest edges of our actions
Are an embodiment of our personality,

People are and always have been
Little more than animals,
We have a human drive in us
But we don't know how to handle it,

We **** and hate and **** and steal
And do all that we can,
It is within the bounds of life
To take everything in hand.

I'm sick and tired of trying.
I fought so hard for you.
This country, our world,
My brothers and sisters
I abandon the whole lot of you.

I'm leaving, mentally,
Emotionally,
And soon, physically.
You are not worth my time.

I will visit the lands of old
and make clear the separated line.
"I'm here, not there, don't beg for me
You wasted your only chance.
Everything you know and love
Will succumb to ignorance's dance."

Things around here are not better,
Nor will they ever be.
Goodbye, I'm gone, I've done my time
Try not to miss me when I leave.

You make me feel like
     If I just disappeared tomorrow,
     Somebody would come looking.

You can't delete this,
These moments are eternal.
In each others' arms.

Time passes slowly
Within your blessing presence,
The air becomes light.

Kissing your cheeks soft,
Long hair gently in my face,
Your bright eyes on me.

I wish nothing else
These endless nights of embrace,
Patches on my soul.

Fox, where did you come from?
Where is your hubbyhole?
Why did you find me?

Your tufts of fair hair,
Your perky smile,
I don’t get it.

I don’t deserve your perfection.
I don’t deserve perfect winters.
I don’t deserve your lighting eyes.

Foxfire you burn holes in my heart and fill them just the same,
covering my veins with glitter-dust and Ashes,
These ashes rebirth into something bigger,
Warming quilt of feather, Phoenix rising
Rising storm,
This thunder fills my lungs and fills my throat I want to sing. Bring.
I want to sing out the tar from my lungs
I want to paint this concrete with my love.

My lungs love
Doves to red and dug in deeper, Gold.

Accomplishing nothing just minor goals.
This coal can be painted with gold.

Coral reef, alveoli
These cables fill holes in me.

Rebar, concrete.
These fables fill my holes with gold.

Doves fill my heart's holes.
**Love
     Is
          Gold.

I can compare it to staring through invisible glass,
At something indescribable, a star, a kiss, a birth,
It’s hard to measure,
but I think it’s safe to say you don’t have to.
A walk down tranquility lane, a warm sun high,
It smells like peaches, with a slight breeze.
The grass does not stain your clothes, it is soft,
It is kind.

-May 31st 2013

My librarian.
So calculated
Controlled
Controlling
Similar.
She's decided.
I'm decided.

Synched.

Like my guardian angel, this ghost still stalks me,
Like a long lost spirit, it still sails this sea,

And maybe it just wants some closure,
But maybe it’s just digging me far lower
    Than before.

It shows up in every **** way,
As peace goes, there’s been one day,
    When it all went away.

It was a Friday in July and I said goodbye,
But before that I kissed your sweet lips,

And for one day my ghosts were gone,
But only when we
Were alone.
When we
        Were alone.

You are my only shield now,
I hope you know you make me proud,
Cause everyday I see your face,
It sure increases my pace,
In every imaginable way.

But my ghosts they followed me,
They forced their hollowed inner-beings,
And chased me back into the ground,
Where I was forced to sound,
    For help.

Cause every now and then I see them,
In their dark wicked ways,
    On the most,
    Peculiar of days.

But I still dream of the day they saw,
That I’m far greater and even farther gone,


They went away for one day,
When we,
Were alone,
When we,
    Were alone.

A suit of colored feather
Flamingo toucan tux
I wear my joy
For all to see,

Upon my skin
Rests dozens
Of hundreds
Of emotion.

My blue wings,
Confetti color paper,
Scribble the sorrow
In Crayola,

And I sign my name
In red,
So red macaw
This piercing beak pen
Out and out and out again,
Writing my name in red.

My dozens, my hundreds,
My span of feather,
Has meant to me
My dozens, my hundreds,
My life of emotion,

So **** your feathers,
Raise your pointed head,
Let scream these colors
And wear them so properly again,
Stand here today
To let them see
This unspoken part of pain.

These long winter roads I roam.
Back and fourth searching for warmth
Sunset, orange, passion fruit, sugar.
The sky lights up baby blue and mango
As brightness hides.
The cold pinches my cheeks and soaks through my skinny jeans.
As the frozen air bites my lungs, cigarette smoke has never tasted sweeter.

The grass CRUNCHes as I walk, frozen, semi-permafrost tundra.
Frozen pumpkins on every porch,
Cobwebs and skeletons still hanging from gutters.
As I fumble for my keys with frostbitten hands, hard candy has never tasted sweeter.

It's black.
The frost on the ground reflects my headlights.
I'm carried by the flying creatures in my abdomen as I step out of my car.
Weightlessly and anxiously I walk on the styrofoam grass.
Concrete more solid and gray than any other day,
I'm standing on your porch.
My tight, constricted, dry winter skin almost splits my knuckles as I knock and I laugh because I hear you coming to answer and I know I should have used the doorbell.
I'm greeted with thunderously chilled eyes and a fox smile.
My pacemaker gives out and time seems to freeze.
Time returns again when I feel your arms around my neck,
Pulling my corpse inside, warm air has never tasted sweeter.

You sit me down, bring me a hot drink.
I sip and burn myself.
I laugh again, a booming laugh. I almost fall off the couch, why am I so happy.
I'm able to right myself back up, I didn't spill anything fortunately.
I look at you and my pacemaker gives out again.
I need to get this thing checked.
You come over to me, sit on my lap,
Whisper a sweet nothing in my ear, and as my hairs begin to stand from the crispness in your voice, you kiss me.
In this life, lips have never tasted sweeter.

**You
Taste
Sweeter.

I don't dream of her
But I do.
I really don't want to.

She shows up sometimes,
I get excited, turned on.
But I am reminded,
Your good days are far gone.

Always and never.
Two words of weight.
With you,
I prefer hate.

Like charcoal to a vermillion rose,
Like smearing the perfect mirror,
Like a fire to an evergreen forest,

I made a mistake.

And every time I breathe I regret every single word I said,
And every time I see I can’t forget those words I said,
And every time I breathe I regret every single word I said,

I made a mistake.

Like taking a life, I took some some of her pride,
Like telling a lie, I told her something I didn't mind,
Like turning back time, I committed the worst kind of crime,

I made a mistake.

Oh hey there honey won’t you see me on my knees,
Oh hey there sweetie can’t you see me pleading,
Oh hey there lovely I love ya so **** much,

I made a mistake,
And every second since then,
I felt regret.

-July 14th 2013

Painting walls with my blood,
From wrist and cranium.
Dark red or pink. Decide.
Artery or vein.
Sedate this monster, or bleed it from me slowly.
Silver stakes into my brain,
Burn every piece of me,
Put me down, restrain me,
I'm going to ruin this world.
I will be the monster.
I will tear down these walls,
Burn the town, **** the ******.
I will be your nightmare.
I'm more than my surface.
Hands reaching from under, I will drown you
You will hear your name screamed through the dense water,
You will see air flush from my lungs as it drains from yours
I am banshee,
I am mire.

I am soot,
I will build up and ignite,
I am lighter fluid and gasoline,
I will scorch this Earth,
Torching trees and deer and squirrels.
I will **** every soul on the surface.
I with bring ash into your eyes,
Blind you and starve you.

I am pain.
I am the wheels of this truck,
Making good creatures into roadkill,
Deleting God's work,
Carcass for magpies to eat.
I will **** this Earth.

I am banshee,
I am iceberg.

Just, sit.
And stare.
And sit and stare.
And listen.
And move.
Then sit and move and listen.
And stare.
And wait.
And wait.

Oh wait maybe.
No.

****.

I wonder if
Adam
and
Eve
Spent most of their time wandering
Different parts of Eden.

Take me high-
So high up with your powder wings
Angel of dust and up,
Let me drink from your cup.

Show me the world from your height,
Intoxicate me with your wine,
And poison me with your poisons.
I love it.

Every time I fly alone,
I miss you most.
Always on the top of my tongue and
The front of my thoughts,
Always the first on mind
And first I speak.

Ask them,
Those around me,
I can't shut up about you.
I take Cristian mythology and apply every
Hyperbole and analogy withing those books
And weave it into your holiness,
Your true light.

You possess a place more pure than Eden
Within me,
And a heart more red that the fruit we indulge,
I could get lost inside of you,
I would love to get lost inside of you
Every night.

Studying your doctrines,
Learning your covenants with my finger
Across the pages,
Running my eyes, face and hands all over your tomes,
Breaking down and reassembling your information.
Study you devoutly,
Every day and every night to dedicate to worship
Through practice and through study.

You are a testament to man's virtue
And a testament to his ability to wait.
You are St. John's gift upon me,
The land behind his gates,
My Zion of knowledge and joy.

I will count my blessings,
And take it for what it is.
I love you.
I love what you've done​ for my life,
Unintentionally, too.
You've made faithful this secular man now monk,

I believe in you,
And light of the sun every morning.
The taste of my coffee, roasted every day,
My carcinogin cigarettes,
Your sweet kisses, teasing,
And the drugs I take regularly.

You've made the mundane magnificent,
And I thank you,
God, thank you.
I will never under appreciate what you've given.
My God,
My Gaia.

I was falling asleep in class the other day,
And instead of jerking to catch myself from falling like our brains make us do,
I had a flashback to a time when Faith kissed me,
Her lips were below me and to my right.

Her favorite angle.
My favorite angel.

Golem, gatekeeper
He played some riddles for me,
I've sat and pondered for weeks.
Finally am answer came to thought
Through my chaotic mind,
Through wretched things I brought,
He let me in.

The treasure within,
Beyond any concept previous;
My Holy Grail
With wine to sip
And God to feel.
I'm glad I didn't fail.

Pip pip
My pip boy.
Don't you know how far
This hole goes.

Follow the white rabbit
And see.

My teeth are red, and white
So crimson is my blood upon them
Like roses upon snow.

Like holding your breath under fourteen feet of water,
Coming up,
    Craving air,
        Calling for it,
            Swimming faster,
                Feeling the pain,
                    Then,
It’s yours.

A full lung of oxygen,
Body panting,
Treading so desperately,

But safe.
Finally safe.
Above the seemingly endless drift of space between the bottom and the top,

Smiling again.

-July 9th 2013

Memnoch,
My Devil,
I don't know what to do.

You speak of lies,
You speak of life,
And I know you speak of truths.

He sat for eons,
God's workbench,
His tools,
Materials.
Brass and gold,
Silver, platinum,
Aluminum,
Electrum and copper,
Rubies and emeralds.

God made watches.

One fine day,
He decided
"Earth."
And grabbed up a frame,
And started filing.
And by God did he file.
The schematics.
The gears.
Must be perfect.

Five days later,
God was almost done,
Only one gear remained,
The finest of gears,
God spent more time
On this one gear
Than any other
In his watch.

This gear is you.

You are my voodoo doll,
I feel pain, when you do ,
Your smile is mine,
Your tears are mine,
Be bound by ties unseen,
The golden thread for me,
Three witches can’t break love,
Emotions far above,
Our will unbreakable,
You, unreplaceable.

Sometimes I want this candle to burn too quick
And ***** my flame.

Venus, you turn me blue-
Butterfly, Neptune, lunar tunes.
Space music.
Gaia, giver of gourd and ground, fertile earth
Please ground me- I'm flying by butterflies
And birds and bees in my stomach-
Chest full of it.

Pounding
DUM DUM DUM
I lose weight and my legs give out
No nicotine high, high on you
This lilac bush- butchered for her flowers.
I'm high on nicotine tea.

Signs say,
"No Smoking,"
I laugh like it's joking
But take trespassing seriously.
I don't want a free pass to jail- my record's clean.
They're mean in jail- you're not mean,
I'd rather you be with me
We can hide from hail under trees
And look at stars- how far they are.
Making my hard heart POUND in this yard.

Green grass.
I'd let all color be gray for you if you choose,
And decorate with spray paint if that's what you say.
I'd paint the world or desaturate.
It's easy to play this game and how badly I want to play-
Pray to play.

Venus turn my Neptune from blue to gold
The goal of this game.
I'm saturated by soul.

I'd call them butterflies, but I have never felt one this big,
Let alone plural.

If an ounce more was taken from my body, and one more wing added to my stomach,
I could fly.

A belief in safety
Can limit potential.
Living in a circle
Can threaten progress.
Listeing to others
Gives a perception of
Maximums, minimums.

Solitaire played alone
Is the best solitaire.
Problems we face alone
Will usually end best.
Solitary people,
Ones who prefer alone,
Make me the happiest.

I cry now days.
I don't hold it back.
Anything that jerks my tears,
Successfully pull at least one.

Today I was scrolling,
My contact list, my connections.
I saw her name.
Her picture.
Her number.

I see it every day, almost.
I've never cried like this.

No sleep can wash this away,
No soap can clean,
No run can sweat this away,
No restored sheen.

Accept the things you cannot change,
And change the things you can.
It's nights like these I wish I could,
And I wish I could hold your hand.
You're further away than the thousand miles between us,
Something we should discuss.

You've closed your ears,
You won't see me
You won't come near,
We can't have the peace I've seen.

Something changed.
Something changed.

Accept the things you cannot change,
This is Buddha speaking.
My Lord and idle
My light of day and shine at night,
My release from dusk and fright.

Buddha speaks through me and
He SHINES through me,
Like the glow of sunlight,
Powers me, encourages me
And jostles me awake.
It takes from me pain,
Gives me strength,
Helps me wake every day.

Siddhartha.

A cold wet nose being buried in your hand on a Sunday morning,
A best friend, soft ears, bittersweet pain of a wagging tail,
Brown eyes, large eyes, eyes of a dulled vision,
He seems to smile, sitting there, panting in this heat, happy again,
His time is coming, but there is no fear, unlike our selfish ilk,

He is my friend, this beast
Of black fur and white stomach
Of bad breath and long nails
Of a warm neck hugging close this winter.

-June 13th 2013

I want to touch you,
But like ice I remember,
What you did with him.

I can't blame myself,
God knows I'm trying so hard,
Searching for a cause.

Silent echoes scream,
The avalanche of regret,
The weight is not mine.