2019 hit me hard like most years
but i finally started to hit back
i let myself embrace the pain
said it was okay
and started to heal
i made my peace with a lot of my past
wrongdoings i can't undo
but can forgive
both myself and others
i decided to stay in love with someone not in my life anymore
and that's okay
because she's always had my heart
most importantly i made a resolution for the first time
for 2020 i will not be suicidal
or entertain such thoughts
i will tell my demons
"how dare you think you can scare me into death"
and i will mock the voices that say there is nothing for me here
i am loved
even by myself

Old habits smoulder in the secret places in my heart
Like a pack of unlit cigarettes stashed under the bed
Cancer waiting to spread and ignite desires
Oh how I love these wrong desires
Just a sip until I drown
Just a flame til I burn down

three years,
some days I no longer count,
but you were the second woman I loved;
the first to love me back,
& the first to break my heart...
...
Darling, wherever you are I hope you're happy and free
'Cuz I'm still right where you left me...

everything that made him him
was leaking out the hole in his chest
the cracked ribs finally failing
god, if only he wasn't a fool
God, please make this real

death can be found in love
and life can be found in anger
scars can be beautiful
showing we survived
and aren't there anymore
freedom can be found when lost
through solitude wisdom can grow
but growth has no meaning alone
so love as you live
for death cares not of such things
fret not for scars, do not be scared
when lost, know you are found
these are the meanings I have learned

the memory of my melody
a reminder of lost things
haunted by the years