terror turns my legs to stone

I can't move, and I'm afraid to think
because if I think, I'll see
and if I see, I'll know
and the terror will grow
- what does this mean?

my legs sink through the floor
while tears melt into a face
which has bled all its color
and the face belongs to me

as the terror grows
my eyes do, too
to get a better view of my life
which is flashing before them

every memory

in a matter of seconds

and I'm left smiling

despite the slowly growing realization

of what lies in front of me

- what does this mean?

and my smile disappears as quickly as it came,
because I realize why my forgotten moments are
whipping through my mind
at a breakneck speed
and that is because my subconscious has registered
before I can think it:
I am face to face with death

the terror turns two-fold:
I'm afraid of what I'm looking at
and fearful of what caused it
am I in danger, too?

for a moment I mouth soundless words
looking for what to say
- what does this mean?

and once again my subconscious overrules me

I feel it in my toes
it bubbles up
through my stomach,
and I am startled by the horrific, primal sound
that escapes my throat

my heart and mind are at odds with each other
to protect myself in the present,
while trying to salvage what remains of my future
trying to piece together what this means

have you ever experienced
a soul-level rupture?

in a sense my innocence
has brought about some strange events
your unabashed sinfulness
my cute, careful religiousness
a surprising synthesis

in a sense, was my innocence
a recompense for your bitterness?
i sought your soul with reverence
from your tenderness, my mind undressed
a haunt old as some sacred texts

of a pure and honest impetus
our pride found a submissiveness
my naivete,
your diligence
thanks to our collective dissonance
a love made to be infamous

maybe not now, not quite today,
but somewhere down the winding way,
when time feels right and skies align,
your path will gently cross with mine.

i won’t rush fate, i’ll let it flow,
there’s still so much we’ll come to know.
no need for maps, no need to see—
we’ll meet again. we’re meant to be.

the colors were still bright
and i could hear the sun
and draw my deepest thoughts with chalk
i didn't want for anyone
hop-scotch on the driveway
chasing runaway ***** down the hill
hide-and-seek 'til we got called in for lunch
then right back outside to chase a thrill
the most i feared
in my younger years
was being kissed by bumble bees
mixing potions with the berries
we picked from climbing trees
if we missed a knot and skipped a step
a cartooned bandaid would pay our debt
or a push-pop from the freeze
we were reckless with our hearts
and our minds got off with ease
the worst of it
that we might get
was strawberries on our knees