I can barely move
I can barely talk
I can't breathe when I'm this way
It's gotten worse
And it happens more often
I'm paralyzed in a nightmarish dream and I come out gasping
I smile in the beginnings
because it tries to pull me under and can't
But after a while it wins and pulls me under
I fight
I try to move, but all I get is a bit of shaking
And I try to talk or scream, but all I get is a short puffed out breath
I try to breathe more, but I hyperventilate
I half wake up from it to try to get free, but it pulls me under and smiles at me

death would be easier than dealing with this.
or would it?
i can't be trusted with this decision.
it'd be comforting to know for sure that my life is being controlled by something else.
my veins are aching, leaking out through tiny holes you poked with your teeth
my once full energy supply is now depleting,
battery life draining down to 5%
warning, warning. connect to charger.
1%.
i'll shut down, soon.
hopefully in your arms.
how difficult is it to understand
that people like me never sleep soundly?
i'm sick of you(r) people
and your UPPERCASE letters
UPPERCASE standards
UPPERCASE expectations
you, better than me?
hah.
please.
whispers drawn from scratchy throats,
whispers being the loudest they get,
coated in alcohol and ash.
you try to scream
but your voice is muffled by
the weight of your decisions
i told you to stay with me forever
no way to say no
you're stuck heading in one direction
promises are promises, dear.
you told me you'd rather die.
i'm feeling cold
no shivering, waves of frost wash over instead.
they're much worse.
i keep on tucking my hair behind my ear
it won't stop falling from the perfectly made groove
curved to perfection
signed and dated.
it falls how my best friend "accidentally" fell off of a balcony
mom always warned me about balconies.
why do you think i always walk with one hand against the opposite wall?
it's reminder that you can stay away from the gravitational force that is Earth.
at least, for a bit.
why do spaces matter, anyway
jus ta wayt odi st ance
things that should be,
that belong,
together.
the boy who sits behind me in class
plays with my curls, and then
one day,
he cut them off.
i trusted him.
kinda still do.
trust is a weird thing.
trusting someone not to look when you change is hard,
they could turn around and you'd never know.
somehow,
trusting someone not to tell everyone that you want to die is easy.
i'd trust you even if you held a gun to my temple.

Remember that day when we were sitting in the stairs?
the day we kissed for long hours
I decided I wanted to stop time there.
Everything was just amazingly perfect.
But then it was over,
I went one way, you went another.
My perfect moment was dead, gone.
And now as I remember you kissing me
when you gave me a kiss in every single part
claiming it yours before anybody else
how you kissed my eyelids, my nose.
I don´t know if you remember.
I do.
And it hurts.
Every single thing you touched in me burns
it consumes my every happiness.
my will to move on.
How did you do?
How did you forget?
I guess you are lucky.
Or maybe you just don't care.
But please, I beg you
Help me forget.

Broken conversations,
empty lungs,
doors half open,
hearts almost out of love.

We used to talk of how
we used to be infinite.
But now every second now feels
like a stroke against an unforgiving current.

Our conversations broke
as the flaws of our souls
fell through the cracks of this glass foundation.

These upset words that escaped you
left the air around me a little sad,
a little awake,
and with a lot of echoes.

My lungs went empty
talking you down.

I left the door open for you.
So you can walk in
and slip in quietly-
I won't say a word.

And this heart could never go empty,
not mine.
Yours,
at this point,
I know not.

Flowers never lost their color
as long as you walked this earth.

Day and night I study for my exams
Draining out the might from my body
Tell me the use of tests
Which are like everyday pests

You fill the dimmest parts
of my saddened soul with light.
You picked up my
torn and tattered heart
and loved it unconditionally.
You tell me I'm
beautiful, perfect, flawless.
All thoughts that have never
seized my mangled mind.
You're just who I needed
and
I'm just who you needed
when we both needed it
the most.

I wish I could burn all the memories of you from my skull
and tear away the skin you touched
but my bones aren't trees
for your forest fire

How do you handle the jealousy?
The hurt within the truth.
Lies the lips has used to utter,
"I don't mind."
I do, in fact,
I do too much.

A weird melody,
an empty tune,
Struck twice and no more,
Heard as the wind blows,
Bled hearts through and through.

On the porch I lie,
Let the water runs,
and when my skin dries,
I'll go on.