I left her at home

I left her at home Jan 18

you were red.

you were red every day,
like the fiercest sunrise
showering the city
in its warmest colors.

red like the sun on its peak,
like the greatest burning fire.
red like the juiciest apple,
the sweetest strawberry.

red like the sexiest lingerie,
the most tempting lollipop.

and then you changed.
or was it my eyes?

it changed and you became blue.

it was sudden,
like a blue night when it pours,
you were blue like the sadness.

blue like the ocean when it's angry,
like the neon lights at the bars,
blue like that one old mug,
and the lips of a lover when cold from touch.

it took me a while,
realization came too late –
you were never red nor blue,
but the brightest purple on the
watercolor box.

purple.
purple.

purple like my favorite sunsets,
like my cats favorite blanket,
purple like grandma's favorite flower,
and my mom's favorite pendant.

it took me a while to realize,
but you were purple to the brim.

my favorite person,
purple like the sky above,
and all the things i love.

you were red some days,
a bit blue other nights.

but it was purple all along.

you're purple because whenever i see a sunset or a sunrise or a cute purple flower i think of you and thats it. i like remembering you with the small things i know.

I left her at home May 2023

Growth.

And just like that,
you broke me.

But it wasn't blood that poured out.

Growth.

As my roots spilled all over,
the seeds of my healing.

Sprouts of tomorrow.

All over.

You broke me,
but I did not bleed.

I forgive me.
I forgive you.

I forgive us.

And I heal,
and I grow.

And I'm stronger.

I move on.

I hope you can heal, too. Don't hold onto me on negatives. Don't become the villain in the story. I hold love, and respect, and all the good in my heart still for you. I'll remember you peacefully, happily. Do so, too. Grow. Bunches of tons of lots.

#growth #love #healing #forever #forgive

I left her at home Dec 2022

Untitled

Do you think it's silly?
How I crave all the conversations we never got to share.

What happened to our early mornings?

What happened to our late night talks?

Is your favorite color still the same?
Are Wednesday still filled with laughs?
Have you been eating your meals every day?

Do you belive the stars have ears?
What do you crave the most in the world?
Will we ever have a second chance?

I miss you. I miss the smile you put on my face. I miss your wise words, your company, you.

All of you.

I still miss you.

Sometimes, some days, I think I'm okay.
Some days I wake up and you're not here and I understand.

Some days I still wake up missing you.
The impotence, the emptiness, the hole widens the days I miss you.

Today I missed you.

Some of my tears, they have your name. I save them for when I feel like I can't do this anymore.
They remind me of you, and how alive I felt with you. I need them. I need you.

I lost you, but I have you.
Can I keep you?

Is it okay to keep your memories in a crystal box, is it okay to go back when I need them.
Is it okay to keep your smile in my eyes and your voice in my ears.

It's okay. Right?

I hope you're good. I hope you don't get the bad days.
I hope you let someone hold you when you're down.

Did I ever tell you just how wonderful you are?

You're wonderful.

Goodnight.

5:45am – The sunrise reminds me of you. I haven't been staying up late a lot, but I saw one for the first time a few days ago and I haven't been able to get you off my mind again. Remember when I sent you pictures of colors off Google to paint the sky cause I forgot to take a pic? A sunset if i recall correctly. I wish I could give you some of my warmth to face the winter, maybe you didn't like my skies that much, but I loved the reactions you gave me every time (even if you'd nag at me for being up after). I hope you're staying warm, you always said you were cold. Did that new position work out at your job? Maybe you're warmer there now. There's so much that reminds me of you, it gets hard sometimes to not cry when I imagine how much you'd love some of the things I see. It upsets me, i wish I could still share with you. I hope the snow is good to you, has it snowed yet? Did you put up all your trees? One? None. God I miss you. We didn't decorate this Christmas, mom was mad because she said dad and I hate it. I put up a whole Christmas tree for her I said but then I realized... I did it for you. I put up a Christmas tree for you. How crazy is that. There's so much I want to know, and so much I want to tell you. You must think I'm so stupid, I hope you've forgotten about this account. This is kinda embarrassing now, I'm sorry. – 5:55am

I left her at home Oct 2022

You always loved her best.

I miss you I miss you I miss you,
I need you I need you I need you,
I crave you I crave you I crave you,
I want you I want you I want you,

I'm dying without you.

There is a hole, there is. And I can't fill it, no matter what.
It's you shaped, it's for you only. No one else can fit.
Your name carved on my bones.

It needs you.

My heart, it needs you to be complete.

Why did it have to end this way?
Why did we have to crash and burn this hard?

I'm here even long after you're gone, and I wish I could reach and touch you.
I wish I could call for you.

I wish I was the moon, so you could miss me so deeply whenever I'm gone.
I wish I was the moon, so you could need me whenever the nights are lonely.
I wish I was the moon, so you could crave me during the cold nights.

I wish I was the moon, so you could still love me so pure and endless.
I wish I could've gotten you the moon, you always loved her best.

I love you I love you I love you I love you.

"...needing someone means they’ve become a necessary part of your life, a hole that could never be filled, a role that no one else could ever take on... I’m asking if it will make a difference in your life if I wasn’t in it anymore"

I left her at home Jun 2022

About autumn leaves and how hearts never break the same.

It never feels like autumn down here,
the trees are barely orange before they die.
You loved autumn though,
so I painted my sky in ways that'd make you
smile.

It made you a little sad, I know,
all the things we couldn't share together.
You loved to spend time with people,
so I painted our time together in a way that'd make you
feel warm.

I was never pretending,
my love was always sincere,
were you pretending all along
that loving me helped set you free?

They say hearts never break the same,
I believe that to be true.
Its not about the pattern the crack follows,
but the way you own a piece to fit your own.
How could our hearts break the same
when the pain we feel is so different?

How could our hearts break the same
when they were already broken to begin with.

Even if a little bruised,
I'll keep your piece of heart in a box.
I don't think I'll be returning it soon,
I hope you find one that fits you better.

I've been missing you. I miss you. And I always will. I'm sorry my piece of heart couldn't fit yours as we wanted, I'm sorry my cracks were so different to yours. I tried breaking it more, fixing it for you, but in the way it turned heavy. You can't live your life with your heart turned to dust at your feet, can you? I'm sorry.

I left her at home Jul 2021

better than loving.

i do not know better than loving.
it is not something i choose to do, but simply
something i do.

loving is natural,
like a flower blossoming under the
sunlight
or the rain falling from the
sky on a storm,

when you love strong enough, life
finds its course.
and with love the flowers blossom
too
and with love the rain falls
graciously.

i do not know better than loving.
it is not something i can unlearn, but simply
something i was born knowing to do.

i do not know better than loving
because loving makes me better.

there is no better than loving.

#love #loving #knowing #wise #better #flower #rain #sun #sky #life

I left her at home May 2020

un•**•ly

she once had stars on her eyes that could light up the way back home without the moon helping out

and she once had a fire on her heart that could warm up even the coldest night with just the touch of her fingertips
~
but the stars were ripped out
and the fire burned out
~
now all she has are a broken pair of wings and a tainted halo

and her forsaken form walks the streets of a land she doesnt know

but oh, dear,
she has never felt more alive than she does on earth

sinful; wicked.

#holy #unholy #wings #angel #maybe #life #thoughts #earth #sky #god