For the first time in my life I'm writing to my friends. Or maybe it's for my friends.
Because I never thought things would end like this. I never thought things would even end.

They've been here for years and they'll be here for more, I thought.
But all that was lost when they saw my life as a battle to be fought.

I've never been good with spoken words but I've never been silent with my writings.
So I'm speaking and shouting and yelling about how I never knew things were ending.

Tell me things. Anything. Please. I'm so lost at what to do. Specially here and now that I don't have any one of you.

I know it's not good, you could say unhealthy, even. But I've grown so used to all of you, you were my safest haven.

But I know I lost it. And I know that you see it.
But help me out and tell me why you saw my friendship and decided to drop and leave it.

So this is my sorry. And my thank you. And my fare well.
I know you are all better without me but i won't be better without you, and I hope you can never tell.

being a good student is always one of the reasons

being a good student is one of the reasons why im a really inconsiderate friend, apparently
because i dont share my answers
because i dont break the rules
and because i dont hate going to school
i just dont have the heart to tell them that school is actually my quiet
that school is my rest from life
that school is my escape
that this is how it was

being a good student is one of the reasons why im an unreliable brother, it seems
because i dont tend to their needs when im home
because i dont help them with their homework
and because i dont have any time left for them bec im focusing on my studies
i just dont think they'll want to hear that im not doing any of it for them because no one did those for me
that no one made me dinner at age 13
that no one ever taught me how to answer my homework
that this is how it was

being a good student is one of the reasons why im a irresponsible son, i believe
because i dont ever want go to family outings
because i dont prioritize them over school meetings
and because im barely home from sleeping over my classmates' houses just to finish a ******* output
i just dont think he'd appreciate me telling him i never felt like a part of that family
that i never felt like he'd prioritize me over anything
that i never once felt like coming back to this house was the same as coming back home
that this is how it was

that this is how it is
that im so sick of everyone saying im
an inconsiderate friend
or an unreliable brother
specially an irresponsible son

so if the only thing im good at are quizzes and projects and tests and deadlines

then i sure as hell am gonna keep at it

"Honey, you're a boy.
You can't play with your sisters."
My mom said
As she makes me play alone
Because making sure a boy doesn't play with a Barbie is better than making sure he actually plays at all.


"Come on. Take it like a man."
My 6th grade classmate said
As he shoves me on my desk
Because I ****** at our basketball match that I didn't even want to take part of.
When my friend asked the teacher to stop my bully
She looked up from her book and said
"Boys will be boys. They'll be laughing it out later on"
But I didn't laugh. I haven't for a while


"You're a young man now. And young men don't cry"
My dad said
As he puts an ice over my bruised up eye
Maybe I should tell him that I'm not crying because it hurts
I'm crying because I have to go to school with the ones who did it
But I didn't. He'll just tell me to be tough again.


"Come on, you're a guy. Shouldn't you be out on a Friday night?"
My dad asked
As he grabbed the book that I'm reading and force me to go out with my "friends" that he didn't know I don't have.


"Seriously? Oh my god you are such a guy."
My sister said as I turned down her offer to shop at the mall
I really just didn't want to do anything
But hey, at least now I'm a boy.


"It's like being in a relationship with a robot. And quite frankly. I'm done"
My girlfriend,
I mean ex girlfriend,
say as she slams the door on her way out of my room
What if I told her I was just so used to it
Not letting my emotion out
Be tough
But she wouldn't understand
I'm not really sure if I even do understand.


"Come on. You're a guy right? You like this."
The random girl I met at this party said
As she pushed me down on the bed and starts unbuttoning my shirt
I don't want to
I wanna say
But I didn't
Because she was right
I'm a guy
I like this
I should like this

But I don't


"Why don't you try to get along with your sisters? They're your sisters for crying out loud!"
My mom said as she washes the dishes
Maybe because I never had the chance to be close to them
To actually get to know them
I want to say
No
I wanted to yell

But I never did

Because guys don't rant to their moms.

Guys should love *** and they can never get enough.


Guys shouldn't talk about their feelings.


Boys will be boys
right?

The Icarus that I was
fell in love with the sun.
I flew high and fast and didn't waver for even a fraction of a second.

I thought that I had to work like that, tire myself like that to prove my love for the sun.
So I came closer to see if the sun really did love me back.


But I got burnt.

I fell.

I broke my wings so I took them off.

I can't say it changed me for the better, but it hadn't left me the same as well.

Now I roam around with my name but not with my self.
I looked up and saw that the sun hasn't changed.

   'Shouldn't you be affected by this?'
I asked
    'Why aren't you affected by this?! BY ME?!'
I yelled.

I was mad.

I was desperate.

I was in love and I was hurt.


But I was also wrong.

I shouldn't have wished for the sun to feel the way that I did. To fall the way that I did.

I lied down and took a minute to feel everything.

Without my wings, lying down felt different.
I could feel the ground with my shoulder blades and my back felt the way the grass shifted away from me.

I looked up and saw the sun going down.

Because the sun isn't always going to be there.

And in its place were the moon and the stars.

And just like that
I saw that I didn't love the sun because of who it is.
I loved the sun because the sun was also a star.

And who would be stupid enough to not love a star?

Being sad for me is an experience.
I don't know if it's different from how everyone else's
But I if it's just like your sadness then I'm so ******* sorry

Because sadness for me isn't feeling down or being weighed down by this feeling
It's like being on fire
But on the inside

It's like being stabbed by something that doesn't hurt
Then feeling this cold fire spread through my body
Like a wild fire being winded out by my thoughts
Or frostbites all over my body being thawed and frozen again

Being sad feels so heavy and prominent that I'm not even sure if my happiness is real
If it's really there
Or if it's just the a sense of sadness

I feel disgusted by myself whenever I fake a smile or a laugh or even saying "I'm ok"
I wanna cover my mouth with my hands every time someone ask me if I'm ok because I'm hard wired to say that I am

Being sad is already so ******* painful that I've grown up being used to keeping it in instead of telling people about it
Because I don't want to let anyone in
I don't want anyone to see the wildfire through my soul
I don't want them to see me frozen up

Because I'll hate myself either way
If they burn themselves up to thaw me out
I'll hate myself
If I drown them out when I douse this down
I'll hate myself
And if I saw them carry any part of my sadness to help me
I'll hate myself

I'm so hardwired to not let anyone in that I can't let anything out without destroying everything an everyone around me

Being sad for me is an experience.
I don't know if it's different from how everyone else's
But if you feel the same thing as me
What would you do?
What should I do?

Hey
Ok
I know that you know that I can't say "I'm not good with words" because, let's be honest, that's basically the only thing I'm good at.
But what I'm not good at is you.
Or rather, how to use my words with you.
But I used to.
But now I just... I don't know.
Just like how I don't know what happened. How I don't know what I did wrong. How I don't know if I even did something wrong.
It just felt like... I don't actually have a great analogy to explain this but it felt ******.
Ok let me try this analogy.

It kinda felt like an Icarus moment.

Which is funny, given me name right now.
Let me explain.
You know how he died? How all he was doing was enjoying what he had. His freedom. How he never felt that freedom until then and then when he let himself experience it it ended up being his downfall. Literally.
That's what falling for you feels like. How it felt like.
I'm not gonna lie and say I wouldn't have fallen for you, but if things didn't turn out the way they did I'm pretty sure I could say I love you and not feel like I'm lying to myself about it.
I've never met anyone who fit so perfectly with me that it scared me at first.

It's always scary when you fly for the first time, right?

But when I did start falling for you it didn't feel like falling at all it feels like flying. It feels exhilarating and somehow taboo at first. How it feels like something so good should be something I shouldn't do.
But the more I knew you the more I flew. The more I soared high.
What I didn't know back then was that the more I flew, the more it'll hurt when I started falling.

Which I did.

When I needed you the most- no,
When I needed someone the most, you vanished.
Actually you didn't vanish. Which was worst.
It felt like you were there, constantly there, and yet you couldn't be to give me a single glance.

It physically felt like a punch in the heart.

But I guess that's my fault. Yeah. I know it's my fault. It's my fault for thinking you'll be there for me. It's my fault for expecting you'll do to me what I'll do for you.
I keep forgetting that when I confessed my feelings for you to you, you confessed your lack if feelings for me to me.

But this isn't what this whole thing was about.

This isn't a message for my past crush, nor is it for the one I'm pining on. It's a message for my best friend.
This message is for the one who I talked about living together with in London.
This message is for the one who showed me so much music that they knew I'll love
This message is for the one who told me that I loved rain just as much as they did.

This message is for you and this message is a hello or a goodbye, depending on you.

My seven brothers keep secrets
And they trust that I won't tell
And I didn't
Until now

My brother keeps a lighter in his bag
He's very asthmatic and also doesn't smoke
He says it's a metaphor
It's one less lighter that does it's job, and instead does a better job
He believes that I wouldn't tell anyone
And I didn't
Until now

My brother thought of killing himself once
He's nice and everything seems alright
He says it's ironic
I want people to see how  my happiness isn't real. And it's sad that I'm already too good at it for them to notice.
He believes that wouldn't tell anyone
And I didn't
Until now

My brother wears rubber bands on his wrists
He looked cool to me but it weirded me out
He says it's an alternative
The burn of me flicking bands on my wrist lessens my yearning for it to be cut open
He believes that wouldn't tell anyone
And I didn't
Until now

My brother likes boys, but he still likes girls all the same
I thought it weird at first but it's who he is so I accepted him
He says it's Love
I fall for who I fall for, is it my fault if they think it wrong?
He believes that wouldn't tell anyone
And I didn't
Until now

My brother thinks he isn't good enough for anything good
I try to tell him otherwise because I love him
He says it's nothing
I've grown up thinking I'll always get what I deserve. So that's what I expect till now.
He believes that wouldn't tell anyone
And I didn't
Until now

My brother wants to leave our house
I try to tell him I'll miss me but he said he misses himself
He says he's already left
I'm already missing. You see my shadow and my face, but I'm already gone.
He believes that wouldn't tell anyone
And I didn't
Until now

My brother wants to be noticed but shy away from attention
He doesn't glow in the dark as much as he emits darkness in the light
He says is ironic
I crave attention for the right I do but gains it by the wrongs I've done
He believes that wouldn't tell anyone
And I didn't
Until now

My brothers may have plenty secrets
But I have one too

And mine is that i never had brothers
But all that I've said were true

Most of the poems I've written
Are experiences I never had
Some are things that I want to happen
Others are things that happened when I was sad


But lately I've been thinking
That you fit my poems very well
Each and every word of my writing
Reminds me of a story that older folks tell


That when I find the one
The one who will own my heart
They'll make me feel whole and one
Not tear my own little heart apart


But what the others never told
Was that the stories aren't easy
That maybe we will only see each other when we're old
Or that we'll be far apart, on the opposite ends of the sea


But you and I know what this is
We both know what's at stake
We'll both endure till the end of this
Because we both know none of this is fake


People might say we're only children
Or that it might not even be what we thought it'd be
But I know that you'll turn the other cheek, that you'll never listen
Because I know that what I feel for you is just as strong as your feelings for me

I love you

There
I said it

But not to you, though
Because I'm afraid

I'm scared that you'll end up like everyone who's told me the same things,
I'm scared that you'll leave and pretend that you didn't just shatter my whole world when you ask me to be just friends

But I know you won't do that

I love you

There
I said it

But not to you, though
Because I'm afraid

I'm afraid you'll get to know me better and it'll drive you away
I'm afraid that maybe if I showed you my true colors you'd want to be with a different hue

But I know you're not like that

I love you

There
I said it

But not to you, though
Because I'm afraid

I'm ******* terrified that you'll realize what a mess I am, how I'm barely holding myself together, and that'll make you run away

I'm terrified of losing you before I even feel confident enough to have you

I know you're not like that

I know that

I wouldn't have loved you if you were

But that doesn't help
It doesn't make me trust myself
Loving you isn't gonna make me stop doubting myself

I love you
But I still can't say it

It's not because I'm not sure

It's because I'm afraid

Rain reminds me of comfort
It reminds me of soft sheets on my skin
The way I would snuggle up on my bed and feel warm and cold at the same time

Rain reminds me of excitement
It reminds me of the unexpected coolness in the middle of summer
The way I could run around in the streets soaking wet and yet no one thinks it wrong

Rain reminds me of solitude
It reminds me of how it can isolate me from the outside world by pouring down like a wall of tears from the sky

Rain reminds me of innocence
It reminds me of my youth
When I would pray for rain every single day to save me from going back to school

But now
Rain doesn't remind me of anything
Rain makes me think of things

Rain makes me think of how we could run around in the streets

Rain makes me wonder how it would feel like to lie on your sheets

Rain makes me wonder about locking ourselves in and just talking

Rain doesn't remind me of you

Because you make me think about Rain

Icarus was alive, he's breathing and walking
But it's such a lie to say that he's living
He wonders about restlessly and seems to be walking towards nowhere
As he walks with the sun above his head and sleeps when the stars are hung in the air

And one day he passes a tree
A fruit bearing one, that made him shout for glee
But alas, his joy was short lived
As he sees he fruits on top, he started to leave

He stomped and kicked at his feet
As his stomach growls louder than his defeat
"If I had my wings I could've gotten one,
But it seems it's the tree, now, that has won."

But that got him thinking of the first time he had tasted it
Remembered it long ago, at times where all he had was his hands and feet
A time where having wings never even crossed his mind
So who is he now to leave that tree behind?

He turned around and ran with all his might
He ran so fast he could almost taste his long lost flight
But he stopped at the trunk and began to ascend
With his feet balancing his weight and his hand gripping to no end

He reached the top and grinned
He beamed at the fruit in front of his face and his back being hit by the wind
"I never had wings before my great fall
So why did it felt like losing them was losing my all?"

He wondered, as he sits at a branch and began eating
His hunger answered but his thoughts left bothered and unanswered
"I am Icarus who never had wings
So why did losing them felt like losing all." He pondered.

in a room full of strangers
id still know my place is at the back
ill keep my head down
and look for the confidence i lack

my days are filled with emptiness
its been days of deafening silence
and days with satisfying pain
its been driving me insane regardless of a license

but my nights are different
theyre dull but blue
theyre peaceful in a way
but still my heart is filled with people i can talk to

cause my heart is filled with strangers ive loved
and its filled with strangers ive lost
and now that i wanna talk about my ****** day
i know that talking to them would come with a cost

break your heart for me
said the one i loved too much
he doesnt smile nor does he frown
he looks like we just plainly lost touch

sing me a song you know i love
said the love ive had that i had not taken care of
she seems genuinely surprised when i told her i cant
because i cant remember her favorite songs, the keys are all off

lets be alone together
said the one who thought i loved too little
he cant look me in my eyes but hes holding onto my heart
i held onto his hands and crushed my own heart, a things so fickle

tell me the truth, not your truth
said the love i never knew i could have
shes strong and caring but i cant begin to understand her request
i told her my truth is all i know and the truth is a thing i cant grab

tell me a story, a good and happy one
said the one i cant ever love truly
my reflection stood in front of me, firm, unwavering
unlike my faltering soul that begand crumbling fully

and just like that im also a stranger on my own heart
lost and fazed, confused and frustratingly hopeless
cause my heart is filled with strangers i have loved
and now its filled with acquaintances that will never love me back

Hearts are wild, reckless, and always unpredictable

     They're the monsters we've feared when we were still young and gullible

     Yes, it hasn't been proven even though we've lived for ages

But answer me this,
       why are our ribs cages?

A library is a foe, a friend, and a fiend
A place one can hide to, a place to be leaned
It's an enigma within a riddle
Where curiosity and wonder meets in the middle
But let me tell you one thing, it's not what it seems
It's not just a place of intellect but a place for one's waking dreams

It's a room filled with hundreds of galaxies
A rendezvous of stories you know not and stories you miss
It's a collection of heartbreaks, and love letters, and nightmares
It's where one can travel hundreds of miles, without moving an inch, without paying any fares.
It's more than just a building, it's almost like one living thing
A living thing that breaks you, makes you, and surely would keep you coming.

But this is just my opinion, so please don't take it to heart
Unless you enjoy company in the form of ink skinned art
Because, let me tell you, books are amazing and I love them so much.
They've always been there when I was starved of people, when I was starved of touch
But to me books and people are all the same, cause, well...
Cause just like people, they all have spines and stories to tell

riddle me this
riddle me that
how can you look me in my eyes
if i lower my hat?

riddle me this
riddle me that
how can you know i'm not fine
if your worries are answered with my "what"?

riddle me this
riddle me that
how can you prove i cried
if my tear stained cheeks are matte?

riddle me this
riddle me that
how can you be here for me
if you yourself have something to work at?

riddle me this
riddle me that
how can you tell me you love me
when your words, like icarus, fall flat.

so riddle me this
and riddle me that
spare me your reasons and i'll spare you the blame
just know i'm not someone you just contact for a chat

How do you say "I tried to **** myself" to people around you?

How would you say it to your professors
Would it be better to just hint that you need mental help in general
Or to blatantly say you held yourself at knife point when you were home alone.
"Can I drop half of my classes?
Cause they stressed me out to the point where I almost killed myself."


How would you say it to your friends
Would you rather it be somewhat casual
And bring it up when you're talking
Or would it be better to say "I have something to say.
It's kind of personal and serious and you're close to me so I thought maybe you need to know."


How would you say it to your older sister
Would it be better to just blurt it out in one go, out of the blue
Or is it better to build up in the topic before dropping a bomb out like that
"I tried to **** myself when you were away. I hope you dont blame yourself cause I love you."


How would you say it to your father
Would it be better to add some blame to it
Or just say it out front so he'd get the message?
"I tried to **** myself last Sunday cause I dont like the life you chose for me.
My original plan was to graduate and then **** myself, cause at least then I can give you the diploma I never wanted."


And I honestly dont know how to say that I tried to **** myself to myself.
Because I want to do a lot more and to be a lot more
But everything is coming at me fast and I have no one I can hold on to
I tried to be my own anchor but it's just sinking me in the depths of my mind
It's making me feel isolated and completely alone and I dont know what to do.


So tell me how do I say that I tried to **** myself to anyone
If the reason behind it was that I just wanted to breathe.
That I tried to **** myself because I just want to read more books and to sing more songs.
That I tried to **** myself because I want to see the world, and to try more food.
How do i say that i tried to **** myself to anyone if the reason is that i just to live.

Would you still hold my hand if you knew about the pills that I have to take so I can control my anger to not break it?

Would you still eat with me at lunch if you knew I had to wash an apple ten times for me to get through eating it?

Would you till laugh at my jokes if you knew that years ago I thought my life was a punch line waiting to end?

Would you still be my friend if you knew that I don't hide from my demons,
I just hide them from everyone else.

This isn't a poem about you,
It's one about me.
It's about things you've done,
That I shouldn't have seen differently.

You and I were alike in different circumstances.
You made me feel certain things and they felt like chances.

Chances I would've pondered if they weren't taken.
Chances I would regret eventually, only I didn't know it back then.

When I wrote about things about you, it felt like a stab back then.
It felt like the knife jammed in my back was being nudged all over again.

But sometimes it felt like the fire in my chest, like something close to rage.
That every time I think about you leaving me it's like a storm trying to burst through my ribcage.

And sometimes it's sad and blue and gray.
Sometimes I think about maybe it's my fault and I I didn't give enough and that I wasn't okay.

It's got me seeing red and got me feeling blue.
It's drowning in silence where it used to be the voice of you.

It's got me seeing gray since you left me with no color.
When you up and dusted, when you ran and slammed the door.

But this isn't a poem about colors.
It's one about pain.
It's about things I wouldnt have lost,
If they were things I didn't gain.

You listen to my silence the same way someone else would with my words

     You feel the gravity of my absence in ways I thought no one had ever felt my presence

     But

I thought I was a part of you as much a you are of me
And all of that was proven wrong when I watched you leave

     Because

You left a hole in my heart, in my soul, and in my life
When you decided it be better to bid me good bye

You gave me love I never had
You made me feel special for who I am and made me accept the things that I'm not
You called me things, and sang me songs
That made me see how you saw me
You made me feel things I never thought I could

What I didn't realize was that
You didn't do anything

I thought you gave me love because of the way you treated me
I thought you made me feel special but you just made me realize what I'm worth
You called me things, and sang me songs
But you didn't mean for them to blind me with emotions
You didn't make me feel thing I never thought I could
You just made me feel things I never had


You gave me love
But it wasn't yours

Because you gave me love
that taught me to love

Love is a lot like smoking

Some people
find their peace with it

Some people
  die because of it

I've always felt like rain or snow

People seem to admire the way I fall

I've always felt like rain or snow

People seem to admire the way I fall

tell me "it'll be fine"
cause your words have always been my wine

tell me "it'll be ok"
cause we both know i've seen better a better day

tell me something i know is comfort
give me a reason to fool my self, that i'm not hurt
because i am and i don't like it
and just please just do something about it

the smell of cheap cologne and regret lingers
as my skin burns under the traces left by your fingers

he tasted like mint from the ghost of the gum he had
he tasted like a mistake, a good answer that had gone bad

we did nothing new but I feel bothered, restless, unstill
but what do I do I cant control your will

my mind made a filter, a mask for you to wear
so the potentially bad choice could be seen nowhere

but in your stead stood a mistake, a regret, then no one
cause the one to blame here is I so let me be rendered undone

and then i woke up
and you were there
and i wanted to touch you
but i wasn't here

because my mind yelled at me for taking advantage of myself

i was the who pushed him away, the one who left him in a shelf


but i'm the one who claws at him, who wants to pull him closer against my skin

in the end we're both satisfied but in the end we both didn't win.

i feel awful
and disgusted
because it's my fault
that you left but i'm still left vested

vested by you
but now you're not here
vested by you
but you're nowhere near

i hate this
and i hate me
i want nothing but to hate you
but why cant i be

why can't i breathe without looking for your approval
why can't i break down and not miss your comfort
why did you have to make me love something not so local
why is it that i want you to be happy but i want you to hurt

why aren't you hurt?
i'm not there with you but you can breathe?
i'm not there with you but you can laugh?
i'm not there with you but you're okay?
why are you okay?
why are you okay and i'm still struggling day by day

i don't want to hurt anymore
and i feel like i don't want to be free
i want to keep being in love with you but
it's apparent you'd rather not know me

did i do something wrong?

did i say something bad?

did i mess up so much
that hate sprung from the love we had?

i don't know if i did something wrong.

i don't know if i said something bad.

but i know that if i had known what's wrong
i could've fixed what we had.

but that's the thing
isn't it?

it's what we had.
what we used to have.

it's something i can't fix because
i still don't know what happened

i'm in the dark
i don't know
i'm clueless of what happened

of what happened for our "have" to be a "had"