My lips connect
And clutch onto a new sensation.
With one soft breath,
My lungs are filled with the smoke-
The smoke that you use to entice me
And fog my mind up with thoughts of you.
Once I blow out, ecstasy rattles my bones,
Grabs a hold of my face,
And kisses me sweetly.
The more I smoke you,
The more I feel your nicotine pulling me deeper-
Deeper until everything is about you
And until every being in me longs for your touch.
I smoke ten packs of you each day
Because you caught me on a hook
Called addiction
And I don’t think I can ever unchain myself.

If only I could’ve seen the glimpse of my future
When I said the words “I love you.”
If only I took heed to the warnings my friends said to me,
Instead of breaking down my walls
And having my heart torn,
Shredded,
Abused.

If only I was able to see the monster in you
Before I gave myself
Only to be broken and lied to,
Every ounce of trust
Wasted with you.

Every time I hear you say those words
“I love you,”
“I still want you,”
I only see your arms wrapped around her
Or your body against hers in the shower.
What a fool I was,
For letting my heart control me again.

We learn to force ourselves onto others,
Even if they say no
Or stop.
We are taught that consent is a silly thing
And those words,
“No” and “stop” are meant for us to keep going.
If we were taught to respect our bodies
And our boundaries,
Then why do we feel the need to *****
And grab
And ******?
A push away means for us to force them down
And take their innocence away,
Or their lives.
Only women are objects,
Or ******
Or weak.
Only men are pigs
Or rapists
Or stupid.
A woman is supposed bend at her man’s will,
And a man is weak if his will is bent to a woman.
When will people realize
That oppressing each other and using each other,
Only hurts the world and the coming generations we are supposed to teach?
Are we supposed to show our sons and daughters that if you want something
You must use force?
Are we supposed to scare our daughters with men,
And tell our sons to never listen to what women say if they don’t want them?
Is **** and molestation supposed to be brushed off
By just the words “they were asking for it”
Or “they wanted it?”

Here you go again
Losing money while the house around you crumbles,
Locking yourself in a room,
And typing on a computer.
You think you’re making a living,
But if only you were aware
Of the groans and screams the house lets out
While you waste your money away.
If only you could hear
The thoughts your daughter has
While she sits alone on the couch for another day
While you live your life up in that room
With the computer.

You would drink your sorrows away
Spit curses at your little girl
All because of an illness in your mentality.
Now here you remain
In the screaming house
With your daughter,
Who now has that same illness in her head.
Yet you cannot realize that they are both falling apart
Being torn by the neglect and the harsh treatment.
All because
You are busy being locked up in that room
With the computer.

I woke up feeling dead
And all I can think about were the words you said.
Glass bottles
Burnt butts
Empty orange pill containers
All scattered on the floor.
Oh, how I was an idiot to let you walk on me.
Now you've moved on to some guy you met,
Talking about how he drove you home after a party
Because you were too drunk to function.
You talk about how your mother adores him
And how your father approves,
All because he doesn't get high in the middle of the night,
But I do.
I wish I could get high off of you.
Wish I could just
Take you back and show you that I love you.
Because darling you could hold a blade to my neck
And I would still fantasize how your eyes
Remind me of waves crashing along the shore
Or how your hand interacted with my skin.
"Why'd you go?"
"Didn't you feel the same?"
The last message was "I love you"
But it was left on seen.

When I laid next to you,
It felt like a dream.
No worries and no nightmares,
The fears were put to sleep.
And as I now turn into the empty space lying by me,
I can still feel the warm spot in the sheets
You left behind for me.

Your presence made me think
Of roses and daisies
Or mornings by the sea.
Your voice made me feel
Sparks in my body and butterflies,
It had me thinking for once that love is real.
And now if I have those moments
In which I wished I was dead,
I remember that warm spot
You left in my head.

What I feel now is true,
This is something you have caused,
This emotion of me just wanting you.
I am blind towards others
I cannot see enticement,
For all I want now is the attention of my lover.
With your hand in mine and with this new start,
I can only feel the  warm feeling
You left in my heart.

The feeling of the sun hitting my pale skin when I’m walking outside on a breezy spring day
And the warmth of a plush blanket
Surrounding my cold,
Shivering body.
Wearing an oversized hoodie that gives off a compelling fragrance
And puts you at ease
And the taste of hot cocoa when it touches your trembling tastebuds.
Wearing your fluffy socks that cover your freezing feet and help you glide across the dining room floors
And the feeling of a special someone’s embrace that can just
Warm your heart up in an instant.
The love you receive to calm your freakish self after a relapse
And the sensation of eating steamy chicken noodle soup when you’re ill.
The heat that hits your palms when you sit near a campfire
And the sensation of lounging in a hot bath after a long day.
Everything wonderful,
Everything warm.

You.
You remind me of a pill bottle
Spilled onto the tiled floor to a bathroom
Colored ovals surrounding
A cold body.

A salty ocean
With a careless girl floating along the waves
Only to have her body
Bitten and torn
From a grey beast,
Now swimming in crimson waters.

Loneliness
Enveloping the traveller
Left out in the blizzard night
As he realizes
That this will be the last night he will sleep.

That dull blade
Sinking into a chest
Twisting, digging deeper
Until it pierces the beating center
That keeps me living.