i have forgotten how to be myself, as if once when i was walking in a dream i forgot to wake my soul up. maybe it’s curled up sleeping in some far spiral of my fingerprints.
my friend tells me she can’t figure me out. she says the attic light is still flickering but the rest of the house looks dark. she says if you stare too hard at my eyes, you can see a noose up on the roof beam. she says i am standing on a stool, trying to decide if my life is worth taking.
i don’t know how to control myself. i lie awake at night wondering why i did things that make me cringe as soon as they happen. i lie awake asking myself how hard it would be to be normal. i tell myself that tomorrow, i will be perfect. i won’t laugh too loud, i won’t be a burden, i won’t speak unless i have to.
i spend so much time worrying about being perfect that i never get it right.

I plan on going way over the top to keep you from slipping through the cracks. I know that won't fix it, but it can't hurt. I'll be here to support you no matter what. If you are broken and distant and unreachable, I'll be there to listen. If you just need someone else to talk so you can keep your mind off of your emotions that refuse to stay in your control, I will blabber on and on (I'm good at that), if you are okay but certainly not happy I will send you multiple jokes that are super unfunny to any normal person but given our sense of humor, might be kinda hilarious. If you are drowning in memories I will buy you insane amounts of chocolate and try my very hardest to draw your attention away from the past. Instead we can point out every problem with Disney princesses and speak in very offensive "Russian" (and I use that term very loosely) accents just for the hell of it.
Expect me to go over the top with this. I will be there to support you, and it will involved ALOT of chocolate!

We go through life
Trained to question,
To seek knowledge,
To understand.

But this isn't
An easy task
We have here on hand.

The truth hurts,
And facts aren't always pretty.
A simple "yes" or "no" response
Can bring you down
Quite quickly.

"Is it cancer?"
"Is he cheating?"
"Am I really wasting my life away, sulking in cheap pity?"

Questions like these
Cut beyond flesh and bone.

Their answers go deeper;
They penetrate the soul.

So here's a tip
As you journey and grow:
Don't seek answers
you don't want to know.

I hate this feeling
But time and time again
This feeling is everything but appealing
I reach for a blade but what have I to gain

I feel sick; knotted stomach
For my demons are feeding
I try to think but my head it aches
I feel my emotions building; breeding

I hate this feeling
But this cage I wait
Ever so patiently waiting
for my demons to escape

*I whisper "Not again"