sometimes,
i don't know what to say.
so i won't say much.
or i won't say
anything.

i'll just
let our eyes meet,
let my skin
brush against yours,
let you see
my cheeks
burn
the colour of redwood.

and then?
and then i will hope.
i will hope
for that to be enough.

with my hand
on your thigh
and your hand
over mine.

and my heart
saying everything
my mouth
can not.

there we go, all our echos
fade into the dark.
voices and lights glow in the blackness
of this room
like the love we made in our hearts.

here i am, my soul is naked,
it's standing before your eyes.
i'm wearing my favourite colors
as my body fades into the light.
don't forget about me baby,
i am the one with the future hazy
and blue.
what about you?
are you true?

hand in hand, all our pain
drifting to somewhere else beyond here
lifting our heads while our spirits
are six feet underneath
the places we feared

here i am my soul is sorry
it's wilted and damp in your hands
i'm just a silhouette
and i need you to understand
don't forget about me baby
i am the one with the future hazy
and blue.
what about you?
are you true?

but i felt so at home in your arms.
like i could've lived lifetimes.
like all the worries that resided inside
of me
were simply thrown to the wind.

i hate this
i feel like everything inside of me
is fractured.
i am fractured.

the rest of me still lies with you.
my whole,
it lies with you.

i feel so sad.

everything i am is intertwined
with you.
and yet everyone expects
me to split my soul
and still go on
as if i am complete.

when i'm not.

when i'm broken in pieces
some of which are missing
are with you
you you you you you you you

i love you so ******* much, okay?

i can't just let go.

i don't want to lose that much of myself
when i had just found out
who she was,
and her purpose
while loving you.

yes, i know,
your heart is aching
it needs to be handled with attention
and care
but no one seems to care
enough to be careful

yes, i know,
it hurts, it's in black
and white
you can't see/feel the colour

yes, i know,
sometimes you need
a friend.
me too.

if i could be a friend
the pale blue through your window
i'd paint your world in colour-
in every colour
with the tips
of my fingers
and i'd be careful.

this emptiness still smells of you.

i still cry every day.
but this time,
the pain hits me at one minute before midnight.
as thursday starts to bleed
into friday
i remember our days
and i get so so scared that they’re over.

midnight comes.
it’s tomorrow now, it’s the next day,
and i just want to cry until my heart
is hollow.
i want to get punched in the chest.
i want to
cry
cry
sob for hours until i can never ever cry again.
i want there to be an echo, so as to prove
that my heart is empty.

it’s not empty.

there’s so much love in there, babe.
i still love you so much that it hurts
to breathe.
what’s the point
in life without you?

i’m scared that you’ve stopped
loving me.
that all this effort i’m trying to put in
so that we can be together,
so i can love you
without pain,
is for naught.

i love you more than poetry,
more than myself.
i would tear myself to shreds and
i would never write another word
if it meant that i could have you again,
if you could take me again.

i want to stop crying.
but i don’t want to give up on us.
sometimes this is more than i could handle.
ian, my biggest fear was life without you
and now i understand the reason.

as much as i smile
everything inside of me is fractured into little fragments
my bluest oceans are murky
my skies are cloudy
my future is dim.
this smile is a coverup
a defense mechanism.

no, everything is not okay.
no, i am not doing better.
no, i have not and will not stop loving you.
no matter what they tell me.