Hi this is Helen. I can’t get to the phone right now
because, well, I think I’ve finally found sleep!
So leave me your name, your message is important to me.
Just wait for the beep

…………

Hi, it’s Darcy…. Ummm I’m sorry I had to cut and run
but, you see, I’m nearly 16 and well Mum…
I’ve got to go there is a big bad world out there
to explore. Mum, I love you more

…………

Hi, baby girl, it’s your Daddy and I’m really sorry
that I have to tell you over the phone that I’m
not going to be here in six months, you know,
the cancer, well it’s grown but that’s enough
about me. What beautiful sights in the world today
did you see? I love you

…………

Hi Helen, I’m sorry I missed your birthday yesterday
And being your best friend and all I should have been
there, but well, you see, there’s this guy and he’s
super special and if I’m not around him I know I’ll
just die, what do you think of me with him, what
should I do?…. Oh, Happy Birthday, I love you

…………

Helen, this is God and I’m umm, really sorry I
haven’t been around much to make you smile
I haven’t been ignoring you but admit it… You
haven’t talked to me in a while… What I’m trying
to say is that if you just give in and take the bitter
pill I’m trying to make you swallow then we could
maybe start again. Hey! I’ll just ring you tomorrow

…………

Talk to the face!

Erase

a place to hide,
a palace of mistakes
all mirrors are broken,
just reflections,
fractured pieces of glass,
not bone,
lying scattered upon the breaks
of waves that lap at scattered artists
thrown, broken upon the shore,
bleached bones of arctic winters
seep coldly into open pores

Thine eyes captured all that you saw

a litany of shattered verse lines a beach
littered with bones of the walking dead
several heads,
bobbing upon the waves
weave casually at the words that are fed
to starving children that lay with their
head on laps of empty maws,
gaping,

instead....

Thine eyes captured all that you saw

all the words uttered in prose,
are fed to starving addicts that consecrate
the earth, fallen from their heavens,
wings severed from bone,
several uttered irreverence, only to be cast
in stone,
only to be remembered by
just a handful
who wished to just walk alone

but...

Thine eyes captured all that you saw

to read,
to devour,
to sup from the chalice
of Life,
to drink in the purity of another
that is casting about in the night,
trying to make a difference,
trying to make a statement
trying to ask for Forgiveness,
trying to make
it right...

Thine eyes captured all that you saw

Here,
where I am nobody
I see what you see,
I saw what you saw,
I try to say the same,
I'm muted by awe

but

*Thine eyes captured all that you saw

I waited under under a waning moon
for a night that did not start
Beneath the pale
of exacting twilight
I ripped open my chest
and held out my heart

The darkness surrounding
consuming its light
drumming of heartbeats

an encrypted call to a lover,
a predator
no one at all

But you called to me

You asked me to answer your prayers
and in the coming night
I wait for you
under the pale moon light

a silvery silence which sounds
of a hopeful despair
Which now knows of the who
but not the where

Silvery is the moon
the silence I can not bear
am I to be frowned upon
even as I am aware
I am here
You are there

the weighted distance counts
the miles aloud...
I'm not allowed to seek you out,
must stay suspended in my lunar shroud

I felt your every heart beat
Like footsteps upon the floor
I even felt the finality
when you decided to close the door
The moon was shielded by
clouds that night

She, like me, couldn't bear to see
the agony of your fight, your flight
Torn between survival
and what could never be
breathing just for revival

In storms
she is your anchor
In blindness
she is your sight
In sadness
she is your laughter
In darkness
she is your light
In weakness
she is your strength
In nightmares
she is your dream
In kindness
she is your weakness
At night time
she hears your screams
In low times
she is the mountain
In dry times
she is the stream
At all times
she is the rock
Never pretending to be
anything else
than what she appears
to be

Oh little love
Hold that head up
He's really not that
into you
Maybe it's because
you called him
Baby (daddy)* or maybe
in that first conversation
you sent a picture
of your *****

He got that cream
from the cow
what do you expect
him to do now?

Of course he's going to
continue to milk
some stupid cow
for free
but trust me
He's not in love with you
He's just *******
on a tree
marking territory

but you ain't the only bush
in the forest, lovely...

Oh little love
just remember
that **** pic
he sent to you
went through
10 million gigabytes
before it got to you

Little love
I beg of you
of backlit screen
and tattered pride
anonymity
is a great place to hide
even on the darkest night
when your phone screen
is the only source of light
when words are not actions
no real kisses or hugs
The Internet is no place
to find love

So I stumbled upon HP one day,
not really, I fell face first
with a glass of wine in my hand
giggling like a school girl
except that uniform hadn't fit in
30 years so it was kinda more like
a 50 year old stripper pretending
she can actually still giggle without crying.
I made a few friends, well, I say friends but we were all ******
working the same lame dead corner

Of course, some of us went on to marry well and some just felt they
could no longer worship a vengeful
God and probably stuck a knitting
needle in their eye, or something.
I'm not going to name names here!

Let's just say one went onto fame,
self publishing was cool way before
YOU ever thought of it and another
just yanked the chain around their neck so hard you never even heard
their spine crack and then one dear
friend got ganked by their own self importance.

Trust me *******!!! THAT is a loaded gun.

But this is all Ancient History to the
those that were born during the
I Love Myself with Hate or
I Cut Myself with Love era.
I'm talking about friendships
that fossilise over time
creating deeper bonds than
I love you, no, I love you, no I love you times

So, watching all those that couldn't hack the pace of the streets died
one by one.
Marriage, Suicide, Shot in the Foot
until the brain bleed out,
they all fell like over bloated flies
gorging on the rancid meat left lying around.
A few survived the sickness by purging,
You know, when you stick your fingers down your throat and expel the garbage from within except,
that kind of concept can be deadly
when you have blood red ****** nails...
The remaining 'Oh Heavenly Father, why do you forsake me' ones
retreated to the HP Elysium Fields, passing on their wisdom to a baby kind that will never care about anything but their own grandiose style of taking a dump in the wilds of cyberspace.

So ****** days sadly came to an end at the fork in the road,
yes peeps, pun intended
until one day, I met a guy that ran me over,
literally hit me with a car and left me
a ****** mess, stood over me and said
"How much ***** and you better deduct dollars for the dent in my front fender"
As I chewed on my blood red ****** nails and spat teeth into the street
I offered him a hand and he said
I'll take that and your mouth and
let's see what you can do with
that heartbeat
We drove to the Motel Dive
and I asked him if he knew where all the other hookers had gone from the same lame corner where we all carved our own slices of heaven and he threw me down to the ground and ripped off his shirt.
Upon his flesh was carved each of those names that I had once kicked up heels with, ****** around and laid under the street lamp with,
watching all the little preppies in their pretend Oldsmobiles cruise by without a single worry on their shoulders except for the boulder sized chips and
their own inadequacies riding shotgun on their lips.
The one HP friend that threw me to the ground and carved my name upon their flesh is also the one who resurrected me.
But I think he may have killed all the other ones but, they were dead before they knew it!
But hey!
Hell is where all your friends are right?

I wish I could touch you
not in a way that would be
awkward
just in a way that would
say in no words
I Love You
because the few characters
on a screen are not enough
I want to hug you
with full emotion
without the meaningless
emoticons and the asterisks
that means I really,
really
want to hug you
but you're there
and I'm here
How do we breach
the distance?
Why can't we touch?
I really want
to hug you
and tell you
I love you
*so much

The sky wanted to cry.
The thick roiling clouds of darkness swirling together
while lightening crashed and thunder roared
were laden with moisture,
but the sky didn't know
how to let go.

Much like myself as I sat there
staring at the same sky
All the madness swirling in the darkness,
the emotions crashing together,
my soul roaring in pain,
I sat there with burning dry eyes
Just like the sky
Just. The. Same

Words like “the tank is empty”
was lightning poison in my veins and
“we can still be friends for the kids”
was a deadly jolt to my heart.
I felt my soul being ripped apart.
My dry eyes burned,
staring into a sky
that didn't know
how to let go
and cry.

It was the perfect day for a marriage to die

two small letters just drifting
under the weight of meaning

is this ok?
does this look ok?

is so and so ok?
blah blah blah ok?

so, ok, it's short on verse
lets say, okay
or oakey dokay or
right e o then....

lets not pretend that everything
is right even when we say, hey~
I'm O K...

it's only when I say
or you to me
"are we ok?"
and the reply is
"yeah, I think we are"

that I know the world is right
this night and you're ok
and so am I

:-)

do you know how hard it is
to shake yourself
from a near death experience?

it can take a lot of alcohol
and staying up late
just to watch
a loved one breathe
so soft and evenly
in sleep

it's hard to calm hands
that continue to tremble

it's hard to close eyes
that picture them tumble

it's hard to equate
they are lying by your side
when just a small amount
of different circumstances
meant they could have died

I don't understand the universe
or if cosmic chances
are a real thing
all I understand is
the warm body that's lying
next to me tonight
is testament to a life
I'll never take for granted
he's lucky to be alive tonight
I'm lucky he's here beside me
continuing to be
*my everything

when you're on the backwards slide?
your *** is pointing forward
and you're seeing all the mistakes
that you failed to hide...
it's a slippery ride

do you know how you know?

you've reached the very bottom?
It's like a gut shot
that you slap your hands over
but your life still spills at your feet
you continue to hold on
trying to push it back inside of you
until it becomes completely obvious
it's time to die,
a time to weep

do you know how you know?

When it's time to fight back?
it's when you are so sick of being
the 3 things you fear

Pitiful, Paranoid, Pathetic

you've rejected the first
you deny the second
and the third is something
you listen to but it is just
another voice in your ear
another buzz in the void

Life ain't no club sport
there is no pat on the back
from a weaker player,
there's no recrimination
from the stronger slayer
there is no encouragement
from the pack

do you know how you know?

You've made it?

it's in the sunshine that dines
on your bloodshot irises
to eat away at the decay
It's in the whisper of a breath
through dry cracked lips
that shouts...
it's different this morning
because Today
is not Yesterday

do you know how you know?

how it will be tomorrow?

the empty street mirrors
her gaze, while many feet
pass by her in a daze
her flat stomach is just
a simple illusion as she
fools others in her delusion
she kisses the air for the rent
of the back alley she haunts
tucking her curls behind ears
that ignore the taunts
the twenty rolled nicely
for her to breathe freedom
the fifty was a bonus
for three of them
two fifty dollar notes
sit squarely in her gaze
but the gun in her hand
means an end to her days

Heaven sent
Tamed by Earth
So many things
She hasn’t learnt
Her angel thoughts
Hidden by disguise
Her angel wings
Hidden from his eyes
Her halo has slipped
Trying to live the dream
But all is reality
Or so it seems
It appears there is a reason
To hold on, to pray
That even knowing now
There won’t be another day
He knows that Heaven sends
And Heaven takes
He’ll hold onto all
Until his grip breaks
It’s too late for him now
What is there is not sane
A shell of a man
Nothing left to remain
He understands she’s not real
But he’s ready to take a bow
As he touches his lips to hers
His thoughts are
**** me now
He’s tasted heaven
And his heart sings
He’d rather be buried by earth
Than let his angel loose her wings

01/08/2010

I can shed my clothes faster
than your whispered question
I can pretend that I'm not
your final destination

I can bounce from star to star
and then drape myself over the moon
If you want to cross the sky on the Sun
I'll even sigh, and pretend to swoon?

Going so far as that seeing you asked
if the money laying in a stack
was enough to take you to Heaven
and I'll pretend Hell is not at your back

I'll lie still as you lay on me
in my ears your words don't flay me
your hot breath is my warmth for the day
So sad, wouldn't you say?

I'll be all you don't want me to be
***** Girl
Little Wife
Some forgotten hold out from some Sorority!

If someday
maybe
you might let me be
*Me?

and I was
just standing by
when you just
caught my eye
and as I watched your lips lift
feeling like the ground would shift

you just looked away
taking the sunshine from that day
and now it's dark, I can not see
where'd you go, so far from me?

Because I will
follow you
until the end of truth
you will see me
sitting alone
waiting for you to
come on home

cause you just
walked on by
with a sad smile
that would not lie
tucking your unhappiness
inside yourself
not wanting to share it
with anyone else

don't take that
path for me
I'm right here, can't you see
I'm right there
standing by
You're not alone even when you try

*Because I will follow you
until the end of truth
and you will see me
sitting alone
waiting for you to
come on home

it's not worth
dropping angst
over the edge
of the ravine
just so the troll
can feed
they hide under bushes
and tickle snakes bellies
for a reason
because once
they were
The Captain
of their own ship
but couldn't steer past
the rocks of their own
****
now laying deep
as rusty bones
of their own ignorance
of the lighthouse
The just want to haunt
another house
Like anything starved
it will just whither
and die
Feeding the troll
gives it good eating
Hold onto your
success, so fleeting
just cross the bridge
and let it be buried
beneath its own lies

Graceful in the face of defeat
Stoic in the face of pain
Unashamed in the face of Pride
An umbrella against the pounding rain

A willow tree bending, unrelenting
bowing in the face of rage
A feather floating in the breeze
to softly touch the face of age

Her touch can soothe battle fever
Her look can hold back the tide
Her voice can sing in triumph or
softly hum as she attempts to hide

She sits alone on a hill of clover
and finds four leaves with every glance
She sits at the bottom until it is over
and takes odds against every chance

Her babies are the reason she breathes
Her man is the reason she would die
For her there is no in between
Without either she has no reason to try

He stood in the open doorway, watching her. She stood before the window, her arms wrapped tightly around her body, her shoulders slumped with an agony that just would not let go. Her face, a mask of misery, glowed back at her. She slowly raised her hand, to trace a single raindrop rolling down the glass.
He realised, as the sun shone brilliant outside, she could only trace her reflected pain.

There are three ways to get to the supermarket
Two ways to get to the beach and four ways
to get out of town when your heading for
the city lights and at least one of those ways
each way, goes past my yard and everyday
he was off to somewhere different but he always
always stopped to admire my roses.
I'd started growing them six years ago
when my Dad started exhibiting a less than
normal glow and I wanted to bring the colour
back to his cheeks, the joy back to his mind and
the simple beauty of life back to his damaged soul
And when the time came to say goodbye there was
12 dozen roses, a rainbow of soft glowing petals
drowning his coffin so I couldn't see the long
wooden box that held my heart as I said goodbye
The sea of colour lives on in my yard, year after year
and the young man that stopped everyday
just to look at the beauty that lived there, being
magnificent, all perfumed and soft and dewy
never said Hello to me, even when I was just wandering
through the aisles of Yellows and Whites and Reds and
the Blue Moons and the Apricot Dreams.
He just looked at me and while I smiled at him
he'd just shake his head and continue to walk on
to the supermarket or the beach or to catch the bus
to the big city. But he never, ever spoke to me.
Not in words anyway...
One day I realized, it had been a little while since
that young man stopped by my yard to gaze at the roses
So I asked around and found that he had passed away
just the other day and that afternoon a young lady
paused at my gate and for the first time somebody
opened it and stepped through to talk to me...
I'm sorry to intrude... but my brother... you see
he was captured in combat and tortured and he
came back different and just recently he started talking
about roses, and how all the colour was gone in the world
except for the one place, down by the sea where life
was a rainbow and if ever he had to go away he wanted
to be covered by the roses down by the sea...
She stopped suddenly with tears in her eyes and waited
and I just silently cut 12 dozen roses to pile into her arms
When the colour goes out of the world and black and white
is more than just reality, when colour blind people can't see
the beauty in a world that is grossly unfair in what it takes away
I whispered into my heart
*Dad if you see that young man with a rainbow of roses
like the ones you held*
make sure  you look after him for me

breathe it like a talisman
experience it like a ghost
hang it around your neck
on leather, or fly it
on a summers breeze,
a flag upon a post
shout it on a Spring day
when joy is at it's norm
or whisper it on a Winters morn
to keep to you nice and warm

just speak my name

even if it's at the start of an email
I've been looking forward to
or in the context of relating
forging memories of me and you

just speak my name

for we are the same

The same people in a life
that is so far from perfect
The same people in the dark
who know where to reach

You once said to me

Never know a stranger when you speak my name

Those words are forever my truth
and I ask the same

*just speak my name

It holds us tightly in it's grip
and grins at us
so tight lipped
It hugs us with a frown
while smiling
upside down
We journey in our living
to the non breathing side
where we sit, reliving
where we want to hide

We never want to know up close
the personal
the utter waste!

But Death,
it can be personal
sitting right there on your face!

You know Death?

It's that awkward party friend!

It's the one that never leaves
*Sticking around to the end

is it everything
you'd thought it be?
Happy 21st my baby boy
forgive me...
as I lay in bed
Remembering
that 21 years ago
I became a Mother
for the first time
you know
and I was as confused
as you were back then
until your tiny little hand
held my clumsy fingers
that feeling...
it still lingers

But where are you now?
Where have you been?

I've been in Hell it seems,
I lay awake every night
I wait for the fright
of hearing your voice
I dream of the moment
I get that choice

Happy 21st Birthday
to my precious,
most coveted
First born Son

Happy Birthday my darling
though you hate me desperately
I say Happy 21st Bithday

It appears you may have made it
*without your Mum...

they come easier
when the rain
washes away
tears, all becomes
so much clearer
when answers
become questions
and time becomes
finite
when hurt becomes
just a fickle memory
just a trickle of shivers
that run down
a spine
distance remembers
that unjust thoughts
are a simple art
that carry their own
magic
we danced
on razors blades
in the end
forgetting
the softness
of the feathers
where we bedded
at the start
but what is
tragic?
is that I never
apologised
Not for my
words,or
my actions
or,
for why I thought
you would
care?
I want to apologise
that I occupied
the same space
as you
and you never
really knew
I was there

*i am so sorry

time zones and timelines
endless times on wifi
phone lines and emails
plotting packages
through snail mail
sharing lives in tidbits
being comfortable with habit
chasing smiles, producing laughs
sharing tears inside silence
knowing without having to ask
messages and photos
jokes and remarks
making sure the night time
is not swallowed by the dark
saying good morning or
saying good night
is such a blessing
knowing tomorrow is coming
in a message

He was under the couch
next to two dollars
which bought me lunch
at McDonalds
I sat God next to my Gold Buddha
and what do you know?
My luck ran out
the very next day
I hate to say
that while the two dollars
filled my belly
for a little while
God seemed clean me out
quicker than a day old burrito
from Taco Bell
and reminds me
to never introduce Him
to my friends
Two dollars was an awesome find
who knows what lives
beneath a couch?
A word of warning
Grab the money and run!
Leave everything else!

Expanding into existence, perfectly formed
Given life by a soft gentle blow
Caught by the breeze to be carried away
Floating on by, languid and slow
Creating the ultimate joy at heart
With a life too short for it’s kind
Gifted it's sparkle as it is kissed by the sun
A more simplistic life it will never find
Such altruism should not go unrewarded
As I watch them skitter and dance and hop
I wonder?
Where do the bubbles go?
When they pop?

don't take my friend too!
It's true
He's just sitting there
to prove
he's crazier
than you
But you can't have him
He's got a lot more
to do
Dear Matthew
please just
pass on through...

I** am the sparkle upon the waves
only parts that are a whole
know that I twinkle in your gaze
you whisper to me untold
in less words that are bold
fragments are all that catch your eye
Shards of broken glass
of crushed moments and empty dreams
our solitary shadows are the past
existence is merely just a need
bleed wounds that would choke us
the cut needs to be deep
sunsets are beyond our hopelessness
lonely existence is beneath our lies
reprise just closed eyes

sitting on the top step
of the walk up
where dreams lay down
to sleep
I wondered in my waking state
how could marble become slate?

A little girl sits beside me
and hums a pretty tune
I start to sing a life of dreams
but darkness falls too soon

But neither of us leaves those steps

I dreamt of a different life
I said
She just nods and continues to hum
But reality is beyond me
I cry
she gives me a tissue, and a piece if gum

Dry your eyes, pretty girl
she said
Don't think for a moment
That you're already done
This is a life, for you and me,
I Love You Mum

She hummed a tune
that I could voice
We sang a song
and in the night rejoiced

It was the lyrics
that chased away all sorrow
we shared a choice
to look to tomorrow

The road behind bares us a backdrop, too many nights find us fractured in our thoughts and the dreamers we once were are far from the two people who stand today.

We're broken, mere splinters of our shipwreck past, driftwood on a shore that drowns every time the ocean breathes.
The path is littered with slaughtered dreams that didn't bleed.

As time and tide wait for no man shall we find it a tragic scene?
simply erased with the sunsets demise?
No one gets away without a scar and mine speak a road map to chaos
and a found hello to you.

Mine own scars are fingertips
gouged into the sand and faded
but salted by tears of the ocean, inerasable by the tide.
A soul washed up upon the shore, a road map etched delicately into fine bones.
You can trace where I'd been before. All roads lead to your hello.

In broken lines and have uttered phrases and one too many empty night.
Backdrop of chaos does paint in the darkest colors you could ever imagine .

How does it gets so flawed by our own creations and vices my dear?
Does it still ring ever so true?

The bell rings true whispering distant voices
Empty nights are just bottles lined up as dead soldiers
We contemplated our own truths and fell victim to our own vices
The backdrop is black, no colour beneath skin.
Honestly? Where does our downfall begin?

Two ships underneath the nightscape past the spark once understood the flame and nothing more .
In empty alleys, like cats to prowl, we find our moments, and then bury our thoughts to lay for no others to see.

half written papers and half heard conversation the keys of the piano haunt the silence as myself shadows that still remain.

Nothing is but a thought and those are like dead flowers laid to waste a reflection of far better times

The night crawls to meet the day as it has so many times before.

The thought of the minds bottle lay empty upon the table.
A fond farewell is but a sugar coated goodbye.
And I seldom have minced my words to mask their sting.

The page forever bleeds.

Pages that lay scattered on a ***** floor
Bleeding ink into cracks
that will forever more
hide the spirit of our souls

If you see them

With their tongues
down another's throat

Through a red haze
as you choke

Standing outside
the clinic
having a smoke
Planned Parenthood
or checking for STDs

It's a sign

you see???

Have your ever stood on the edge
And wondered?
What does the Black feel like?
Is it that soft brush against your skin?
Which raises the hackles?
Or would it cling like tar
Hot and sticky
Seeping into your pores and
Down to your very soul
Solidly encasing it in stone.
What does it taste like?
Does it brush against your lips
A whisper, a kiss?
Or does it flow down your throat
Choking, clogging, no air.
And what smell would it have?
Would it be a gentle reminder
Of a distant memory, buried deep
Or would it slam into your senses
Like a wind carrying the scent
Of Long Forgotten memories
That wound the heart.
If I took that step, from the edge
Would the Black softly receive me
Or burn forever, relentlessly?
Would it gently beckon me or
Would it reach out its long bony fingers and
Seize me
With no choice?
Have you ever wondered?

You're my favorite pastime
You're the flavor of all my years
You're the beat that starts my heart
You're the salt that tints my tears

You're the red haze of my anger
and the white mist as it clears
You're the new leaf on my tree
and the root of all my fears

You're my every kiss goodnight
You're my sunrise in the morning
You're my thought throughout the day
You're my moon as the night is dawning

You're my cup of coffee
you're my drink of wine
You're my shot of whiskey
You're my everything that is fine

You are so perfect in my head
so perfect in my heart
so perfect in the beginning
even more perfect at the last

You're my best friend, my lover
my partner and my all
You're the foundation of all of me
Without you I may fall

You're the one who taught me
that one plus one equals us
though the equation is now minus
I trust to go on, I must...