I am a house
with paint in ugly layers
of caked on hurt, ***** hate and manipulation
I'm scraping it off
strip by strip
to my foundation
and rebuilding my soul

You turned me on
and turned me out
I felt more
in less than twenty-four
I'm chasing a ghost
I should forget
and just block you out
Black and white
versus color and light
I'm left alone
in cold monotone
You turned me on
and turned me out
Like a lost planet
spinning about
I want to scream
I want to shout
I want to fight with God above
**Why did the universe show me love?

I can't sleep
My brain won't stop
Awake and dreaming in the daylight
Awake and dreaming in the dark
Your face keeps appearing
But I know it's not really you
A dream is all that I have left
to hold on to

Your words have no meaning
But I listen anyway
They glide out of your mouth
like hot liquid
words you would never say
I can't sleep
I can't stop
I'll keep pretending
I can't get enough

I know that you are gone
But some stubborn part of me thinks you're just away
that I'll glance over my shoulder
and you'll be back to stay

We are small like specks of sand
Petals picked by wrinkled hands
Beyond the bounds of space and time
In a dream you'll always be mine

I'll find you in time
You'll always be mine

There might be nothing left of me
Or everyone will think I'm crazy
My existence is the eye of the storm
but in the eye of the rose our love is born

I'll find you in time
You'll always be mine

We would no longer see the stars
Only hear the beating of our hearts
I'll close my eyes and say goodbye
and know I have no reason to cry

I'll find you in time
You'll always be mine

in the dark
make your own light
open your eyes
shining
like moons
stars twinkling bright
a pale luminescence
a flicker that becomes fire

you're the dark
before dawn
you will rise
and the sun
will become your own

in the dark
make your own light
open your eyes
leading
like a beacon
lost ships of the night
a gleamed guide
a thought that becomes inspiration

you're the outcome
that hasn't begun
strike the match
and find
your way home

Kick out the crutch
False fixes are always temporary bandages

I could make my life easy
Be the woman you think I should be
Play pretend and always be pleasing
No brain in my head
Is that what you're needing?

I can bake a pie and speak my mind
I can do the laundry and be flirty
I can pay the bills and still dare to dream
I can be soft and strong
A whisper and a scream

I can't follow your path
I have my own
It's different than yours
But I still have my feet on the ground

I could make my life easy
Be miserable but pretty
a fake, fraud and phony

My life isn't easy but it's mine
And I'll always be me

Writers are *****
Writers are ******
Getting high off a mental fix
Arrogant-self-indulgent-I'm-Smarter-Than-You-Narcissists
Diag­nosing their own disorders no need for a therapist
Id-ego-super-ego-creating their own analysis:

Buy my book so I can feel (more) important!

Writers are *****
Writers are ******
******* out their minds doing word tricks
self-centered-egomaniacal -lunatics

Buy my book so I can feel (more) important!

I'm running out of ways
to feed the need
drinking, shopping, sleeping around
at the end
none give any relief
and I'm stuck
with my reflection in the mirror
seeing the ugliness
others cannot
sometimes I wish I wasn't so smart
then I could walk around
oblivious to reality
hearing idiotic pointless words pouring from my mouth
at the end
I'm stuck in my own head
knowing everything I haven't said
conscious with no clarification

Bleed out or
Bleed into one
Some have served their time
Some have just begun
We keep fighting
But no war has been won
Bleed out or
Bleed into one

Shout out or
Scream that it's done
Some read the signs
Some bite their tongues
White noise can be silenced
with a gun
Shout out or
Scream that it's done

Bleed out or
Bleed into one
Some are left behind
Some don't know how to run
Cover their eyes
Black out the sun
Bleed out or
Bleed into one

And when he looks down upon us
Can any say they were justified
and they won?

My heart bleeds out and is done

blurring a line
defining an edge
I have to find a way
to make my colors blend
I'm only happy
when I'm me
and my canvas is black with complexity
I draw the lines
straight and clean
but sometimes that isn't
what is seen
blurring a line
defining an edge
I am alive through my pen
I work on my portrait endlessly
my cells are words
my blood a river of poetry
an unfinished work
an oeuvre of me

just a few more words
get them out on paper
they need to come out
like blood on a razor

it makes me feel whole
it makes me feel clean

though I am neither
somewhere in between

just a few more words
until I feel better
maybe this time
it will last a bit longer
or maybe I'll write til my fingers bleed

I want to be everything to you
But it won't be enough
The lynx keeps my secrets
She watches the world
As she guards my house on a cloud
Where you smile and say
You never left
You see through my illusions
As I stand in the warm summer rain
It pounds all around me
Announcing my rebirth
Your fingers catching little drops of water
Revealing me in their depths

I don't think I'm better than anyone
except the people that think they are better than me

Those who close themselves off
miss so much
living way up on that high horse
My eyes are better
My ears are better
My heart is better
and I'd still help you if you needed me

the Machine that is me
is a little twisted
the cogs overwork themselves
creating production pods of hurt
wires get crossed
my mouth glitches
and spArks fly

when I die
maybe I can ask why
I'm defeCtive
placed here to suffer

I could put my trust in god
or in the motHer
I could look to the stars above
like the old models
did they have it any better?

take your pill
just get greased
talk about baseball
polItics
moNey
be a good machine

I'd rather rust and rot and fall asleep
my machine is brokEn
or this world is

I'm so mean
when I'm seeing green
imagining things
that can't be seen.
Is it human nature
to expect the worst?
Accusations overflow and burst
the dam apart
that holds my irrational thought.
The world is flooded in ugliness.
You're treading water
when I want you to drown.
Look into my eyes
You must be telling lies.
But my own sick imagining
is all the evidence to be found.

Oh, you were a pretty girl
a happy, simple girl
dancing on brown, cracked linoleum
Oh, you were pretty
at the sweet age
when no one could harm you
at that sweet age
with your hair wrapped up in Christmas bows
Oh, you were pretty
The dust couldn't settle
in the corners of your face
the way it settled in the faded, green curtains
and the dirt couldn't cover the gleam in your eyes
the way it covered the old, broken pictures
Oh, you were a pretty girl
a happy, simple girl
dancing on brown, cracked linoleum
Oh, you were pretty

*** for tat
I'll do this if you do that
We could just do what's right but who needs that?
It doesn't come with a celebrity swag bag.
It doesn't come with bells and whistles and bedazzled strings
Just silly things like hope and faith and humanity
*** for tat
We're all ******* ***** and scratching backs
And looking the other way
And having no shame
And playing the game
And losing ourselves while we make our name.

I didn't think there were words that would make me stop loving you

And then you proved me wrong

You're not who I thought you were

You made up the words and we sang the song

It must be a joke

And the joke is on me

"I love her" is not in my vocabulary

What are you singing to her

A duet of lust never felt for me

The song written for another is the saddest form of poetry

I hate people
and their mouths
especially when my indiscretions
come bumbling out
and now they know
how much
you loved my mouth
last night.

There is nothing more exciting
than the perfume of your skin
I smell my hands
after caressing you
you are in
my eyes
nose
lips
I taste you on my tongue
sweet dew honey
heavy my eyes close
my head falls
under your spell
my armor unfolds itself
I am undone

Blood and bone
We are all just masks bleeding
Truth unknown
The skeletal is not differential
But what it means to be human hurts
We are eclipsed by doubt
Insecurity
Jealousy
Hemorrhaging frailty
Drops of vital mental anguish

Diamond rings
bring broken dreams
I hear the rain
and feel its sting
I play ignore and endure
until I can't take any more
no one will keep me chained
and I'm not scared of anything

Damaged pearls
fill this world
why must they change?
Rub out their flaws
but I still feel their scars
put them on fancy strings
and I'm not scared of anything

I don't need jewelry or make-up
to play cover-up
I don't need a man to tell me
I'm good enough
I don't need a king to rule
I'm the ******* Queen
and I'm not scared of anything

Sound the trumpets
Blare the horns
Let loose the rockets
I am reborn
No more limbo
And just hanging on
I'll never be the same
There's no telling what I'll become

Pop the champagne corks
Bang the drums
Hear the boom of the cannons
My life has just begun
No more maybe
And just hanging on
Life is for living
There's no telling what I'll become

You invaded me
like a secret army
flipping switches
I didn't know existed
the battle was won
with all the lights on
a fluorescent surrender
to the commander
love foe
you ignored the show
vividly dimmed
you let me go
when I was eager
to become
your prisoner
call back your spies
transmitting heartbeats
of lies
they've built a blockade
around my heart
these soldiers still marching
make them depart
a remorse code
with no answer
quiet noise
against the fire
of the bombs still burning
your armies retreated
and not returning
I'm a nuclear wasteland
a sad spectacle show
while you've moved on
ready to conquer
another foe

There is a monster
inside me
that I inherited
from my father
The only thing
he's given me
I'd like to think I'm stronger
than that last drink
that puts me over the edge
that last drink
that makes everyone my friend
that last drink
that makes me slam and shout
that last drink
that lets the monster out

But I'm not.

A man who thought he was
higher than God
walked on and on
through every town
A soldier to fate
he said you'll never forget my name
and his name lies fresh on my tongue
Like the blood from the first punch
his thoughts relied on greed
a man who thought he was
higher than God
a man to make men bleed

I know you want to break my armor
You want to see me cry
You want to see me suffer
You think I should have to answer to karma

You can keep pounding on my border
hoping to find a break in the exterior
My heart is sometimes paper thin
But you will never get in

You will never win

I stopped pretending to love you
when you became a monster

The capacity for love
I'm filled with it
It's in my every bone
It's in my every move
It hits on every nerve
It's in everything I do

And with so much love
there is so much hurt.

Certain things matter
Most do not
Movements in the water
Tsunamis of the heart
Global rubble
Mind junk
People focus on themselves
Not each other
Earthquakes in the dark
Certain things matter
Angry ants storming the hill
Blind bees swarming the hive
We are natural disasters
And create our own demise

smells like
and tastes like
time to go home now

restless
senseless
time to go home now

falling
crawling
time to go home now

open
broken
**time to go home now

When you know
and you don’t speak
that evil dilutes
your truth
Eroding
Decaying
People are pawns
Someday the Queen will fall
And when the kingdom is made of bones
there will only be dust for you to stick your head into

I wish I wasn't like you
spineless and broken
trying to pull through
angry at your slightest move
silenced and removed
I wish I wasn't like you
wearing a happy mask
being ruled by the past
and never forgetting who I am
all I feel is
permanent red
I wish I wasn't like you

I have no heart
It's been chewed up
and spit out
****** up and torn out
Blood flow cut off
Veins broken and blackened
No beats
Dead meat
I have no heart
How am I still alive?

You're breaking down my walls
For once I'm not scared of being found
I can see you on the other side of the glass
Your warmth cuts through and my fear is smashed
Into tiny pieces that now seem pointless
You're breaking down my walls
My heart is free at last

early to bed
early to rise
makes a lady
smart and sassy
with no bags under her eyes.

So I know how to string words together
like You-and-I
and Hello-and-Goodbye
and Laugh-In-Joy-and-Inevitably-Cry

Who-Cares

We've sent each other over 8,000 messages.
Some were silly.
Some were sweet.
Some were boring.
Some turned me on like crazy.
Some really made me insanely angry.
But I can't bring myself to hit delete.

Tears
salty drops of transparent fears
hidden like ghosts in an attic
they fall down my face
in streams
and grow into rivers
of sadness
a deep blackness
growing deeper
Tears
have molded the lines
on my face
throughout the years
like the unseen scar
of my broken heart
and tears
wet reminders
of childhood fears
are my companion
as long as
we're apart

two ships in a bottle
the colors of blue and purple
rain falling
into the ocean
pain into a bigger whole
atmosphere awaited
there I must go
the same notes again and again
lost souls
my lost friends
I want to rewind
let me go back to
lonely feeling
gray trees in November
candy coated moth *****
hard to swallow
hard to chew
my mouth is sour
and I miss you
three notes over and over
a cold October
messages washed into me
church bells singing
rocky sounds
blood hounds
barking
that time is playing its trick on you
distant sounds
that mean nothing
a pen that will not write
Dead.
memories that I try to remember
I must forget
your heart shaped locket
Miss Clare

You're like a tidal wave
Knocking me down
Pushing me against sharp rocks
Like a sick drug I crave
I don't mind it beating my insides up
Deeper and darker
How far do the waves go
There is no bottom
It's just deeper and darker
You push harder
My heart races
I wait for it to explode
It's just deeper and darker
Let's go farther
I think I'll just drown
Deeper and darker
No more judgments
No more sound

Dilute us down
Delude us too
The solvent isn’t solving anything
Only making us lose
We are water and bone
Soul and unknown
Chemicals compound
Then break and disbound
Solutions splattered
Spineless tattered
Our volumes broken
Experimental fools

what if
everything
I've
ever done
was supposed
to lead
me
to
you
what if
the questions
don't matter
but the
answers
do
what if
I just
let go
of the
past
because
the future
is in
view
what if
I stop
holding
on to
an idea
and accept
what I
already
knew

Sometimes trees look
very big
with the wind
blowing their leaves
like teeth ready to eat
a small bird
They're not supposed
to be mean
They're supposed to
love and provide
give birds a home
in this cruel world
in some places
the ground is barren
there is nothing
as far as the eye can see
yet birds exist
strong
flying
I am that bird
without a tree

I told you

I know what you know

Even though it hurt

But you don't know what I know

And never will

Responsibility
Accountability
These are foreign words for blind eyes and deaf ears
We have gadgets to make our lives better
Where is the soul tracker?
The humane bit?
It's his fault, his problem
We have no common sense

We don't care who we step on as long as we come out on top
We hurt ourselves in the long run
Running circles that never stop

We are hamsters on a wheel and the universe laughs at us

He surprised me with flowers
The way I felt about him was already a surprise
Like finding home and being welcomed inside
Calming like lavender
His smile made me feel sunny yellow
He held me in warm orange
that turned deep red like a rose
He let me go before the flowers wilted
Another surprise
I've never hated flowers before.