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Sometimes as a poet
It is easier to write
And relate to the things that hurt

Because the heart knows
What it means
To feel -- beautifully terrible
I could count
The stars
Before I
The number
Of poems
I will write
Our love
Being with you is like having infinite inspiration
 Oct 2018 Hanna Alayne
 Oct 2018 Hanna Alayne
you are eighteen and struggling to know who you really are.
the friends that you keep close make you feel so worthless
but at least you aren't lonely,
or at least that's what you tell yourself.

you think about how things were so different a year ago
and how things quickly fell apart.
two dimensional friends come and go
you don't even have the strength to care anymore.

so you write down all the things real enough to say
but not enough courage to say it.
that's the thing about art, it's still beautiful
even though it may be broken and misunderstood.
i don't watch home movies
hate them
reason being because
when i was young
i was looking for a movie
my mother
had recorded for me
and accidentally
put one in the vcr
that i'm not sure
i was supposed to see
i know the obvious response
"uh oh, ****"
sorry to disappoint
they were only marked with dates
on live television
montel williams asks my father
"how can you just throw
your child away like a piece of trash?"

i spend so much time
in the emergency room
that my parents stop
penciling in growth marks
on the frame
of my bedroom door
i always thought
it was because they believed
i would never grow out
of this sickness
sometimes i believe
the reason that they
never bought me a dream catcher
was because they never thought
i'd live long enough
to see them come true
i am eliminated
from a spelling bee
because i didn't know
the 'dad' is silent in 'family'
before i got into poetry
i used to do standup
none of my jokes were funny
one of the other comics
tells me my skits are dry
sometimes sad
he says "why don't you joke
about something like your family?"

so i say
"i never wore any sunblock
because i didn't want anything
to keep me from my father"

i say "what do you call christmas
without lights or heat?"

before he has a chance
to answer
i say "1997. better yet
why don't you
make like a dad and

every time we drive
past the hospital
my mother reminds me
how much it cost to save my life
like she'd rather
have her money back
she doesn't have to say
that sometimes she wishes
it was me who had died
instead of my brother
i can hear it in the way
she says "love you"
sometimes i imagine
that if i were to die
that she
would pick out a casket for a child
because she never loved
the person i became
yesterday i told my father
how close i'd been
to suicide lately
and he said
"that's my boy,
livin on the edge.."

and i can't remember
if i laughed
or cried
sometimes I think I wanna fall in love
but then I remember
how cold the bathroom floor
felt on my face
and how badly I wanted to rip
the heart from my chest
and how your arms are still my home
despite how many girls you have invited in
even when it was my only residence
 Oct 2018 Hanna Alayne
Last week

seven of my

children were

all together for

the first time

in a long time.

and as each one

came into the room

to greet me.

I felt my roots


deeper and

deeper to

the center

of the universe.

and in their smile

I saw the smile of

my father,

the smile

of my mother.,

and as I drank

in their laughter

I became

drunk with


and when night


I looked up to

the heavens

took a deep

breath into

my soul.

then I


the exact place

of every star

and shimmer.

and I knew

I had finally

found my

place in

the universe.
 Oct 2018 Hanna Alayne
we are all beautiful
even if we are lonely
just like the moon.
and even in the darkness
we still shine so bright
from within.
just like the moon.
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