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  Dec 2018 Haylin
Klaus
Now I know,
This is the first time we've
                  spoke.
But, I wanna be you.
I wanna wear your skin as a
                  cloak.
In your ambiance, I will
                  soak
And when they speak my name, i'll say who?

I wanna wear your clothes as
                    mine.
I want to live your life.
I want your receding
                    hairline.
I want your growing
                    waistline.
I want to love your wife.

9-5, I'd work your
                job.
I'd love your bratty son.
In the suburbs, a faceless
               blob.
I wouldn't  be an upturned
               slob.
And when I'd sit in your car or your study, I wouldn't think of a noose nor a gun.
For my father.
  Dec 2018 Haylin
Klaus
Nightfall, through the door,
Bedsprawl, a ritualistic bore. Movements, they're oppressive. Actions, they're aggressive but his eyes, they're depressive.

Our synthetic connection and self-hatred is created with projection and misplaced indignation. There is no love in our heads, no lust in our beds. The fear of emasculation and eternal damnation hides all self-loathing with boasting and congruent clothing.

My Y was castrated. I'm a ****** from the womb. I'm Female, for unsated gloom  my X is berated. I'm named a disgusting mutation as he projects his deveation onto the population.

When his shameful "pride" has diminished, I know our joyless formality has finished. He doesn't sit in the pew, yet he stands in the aisle, locked in a prison of denial. Tough and brisant, trying to be what he isn't. He walks out like a ragdoll, his steps aneurysmal with alcohol.

Beside myself, salty tears act as an anaesthetic, the antonym of emotion. An apathetic ocean.

I clutch my centre, the daunting tormentor. Impregnation is a STD, an infection, an infestation. Glue for our miseries to undo our joys. Merriment induced torment, fidelity induced gaiety
And nine months later I was born :)
Haylin Dec 2018
i am not an it.
i am not an object.
i have a pulse.
i have a beating heart.
i am made of stardust.
i am made up of skin and bones.
and you still call me an **it.
your mind can't grasp the idea that
i am a strong woman one day
and a strong male the next.
Haylin Dec 2018
I hate the word pretty.
Every time I hear it
it's a reminder that I am
a girl.

Girls are great
and there's nothing
wrong with them,
it's just that I'm not one.

I've been stuck
in this body
looking at someone who
I no longer recognize
for so long.

I want to be handsome and cute,
not pretty.

I at least deserve something better than
pretty.
I'm genderfluid, so sometimes I'm a girl. But I don't like being called pretty
Haylin Dec 2018
Genderfluid
I am a girl, at least to everyone but me,
I am gay, and straight too, and both, and neither,
I do not want attention, I even try to avoid,
But you call me a she,
But I am changing, every day,

I cry when you know I am not so,
I am a boy today...I am gay
You don't notice, or care,
You just put more cuts on my wrist,
And hurt me more with every word...
"*****," you call with ease,
But you do not know, I am a boy today
"****," you say... I am a ******

Death my mind calls with every single word...
But you do not care, for you smile at my pain, as I call for my love,
"Dakota..."
Haylin Dec 2018
this morning
i am stuck

i am stuck
between
Blue
and
Pink

every morning
i face the same decision
and ask the question
how do i feel today?

and every morning
i struggle
not because i cant find the answer
but because im scared of it

because i know
that i cant be Purple
thats too confusing

but i feel Purple
My life in a nutshell
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