I miss you
Do you miss me?

We used to be so close
We were best friends
Talking, texting, being together all the time.

But I realized a harsh reality.
I was the only one to make an effort.

You've moved forward with your life
Living in a new place
Making new friends

While I'm miles away
Wondering how things changed from one second to the next
Trying to figure out why I'm not good enough.

We used to share everything
All our secrets and our dreams
All our fears and our nightmares

But somewhere down the road
You ran ahead and left me here behind.

You left me here behind.
Now I'm alone
Trying to move forward
With an emptiness where you lived.

i don't watch home movies
hate them
reason being because
when i was young
i was looking for a movie
my mother
had recorded for me
and accidentally
put one in the vcr
that i'm not sure
i was supposed to see
i know the obvious response
"uh oh, ****"
sorry to disappoint
they were only marked with dates
  1991
on live television
montel williams asks my father
"how can you just throw
your child away like a piece of trash?"
   1994
i spend so much time
in the emergency room
that my parents stop
penciling in growth marks
on the frame
of my bedroom door
i always thought
it was because they believed
i would never grow out
of this sickness
sometimes i believe
the reason that they
never bought me a dream catcher
was because they never thought
i'd live long enough
to see them come true
   1996
i am eliminated
from a spelling bee
because i didn't know
the 'dad' is silent in 'family'
   2013
before i got into poetry
i used to do standup
none of my jokes were funny
one of the other comics
tells me my skits are dry
sometimes sad
he says "why don't you joke
about something like your family?"
so i say
"i never wore any sunblock
because i didn't want anything
to keep me from my father"
i say "what do you call christmas
without lights or heat?"
before he has a chance
to answer
i say "1997. better yet
why don't you
make like a dad and
leave"
   2014
every time we drive
past the hospital
my mother reminds me
how much it cost to save my life
like she'd rather
have her money back
she doesn't have to say
that sometimes she wishes
it was me who had died
instead of my brother
i can hear it in the way
she says "love you"
sometimes i imagine
that if i were to die
that she
would pick out a casket for a child
because she never loved
the person i became
yesterday i told my father
how close i'd been
to suicide lately
and he said
"that's my boy,
livin on the edge.."
and i can't remember
if i laughed
or cried

when my friends talk about you,
my heart stops,
and no words come out.

but when i am with you,
my heart thumps,
and my actions & words get loud.

I pushed you out,
And you let me out in the rain.
I took you back
And you pushed me out to sea.

Months later when I finally feel
That I've reached the shore
And have solid ground beneath my feet,
You knock me down,
Prove that is pure fantasy.
The invention of the siren song
Played to me in my revery.
I can see I'm still lost at sea.

I can never tell you how I feel.

I can never let you know
     That I meant every word I ever said,
          And that I'm still controlled by that in my head.

You turned away.
You let me out.
I have nowhere to go
And it still hurts inside.

It was wonderful to see you,
Even if I couldn't look at you.
It was a delight to be near you,
Even forced to ignore you as I was.
I do miss you, more than ever, more than even I know,
But it's something I must never tell you.
Never. I love you.
I hope I never see you again.

Let me begin this with an apology.
An apology for the way I have been acting lately.
I do not know what I was hoping to achieve,
But I know it created nothing of what I want.

Let me begin this with an apology.
An apology that I know cannot ever encompass
Anything near what it ever rightfully should,
But for you I will still try none-the-less.

I don't ever want to lose you.
For over the last two years you have been my best friend.
Through the good and the bad, it has been us unto the end,
And to hear you say otherwise has turned my world on end.

Regardless of the fact that you might be moving on,
I can only ever be happy for you, and
I told you I would always be here for you, always.
And I do my best to keep my promises and my word.

I don't ever want to lose you.
I know that I may lose bits and pieces as we live and grow,
I don't ever want to lose you,
Your friendship I value over all others, that I know.

You are a part of me, something which you've made clear to me.
For better or worse that's the way it's going to be.
It's simply a fact from which there is no escaping,
And you know what? That's fine with me.

You are my sun. High in my sky.
When I think of you, it brightens my life.
I know I haven't been acting the way these words say.
For that, I hope you might accept my sincerest apology.

You and I were best of friends, something which we said would stay.
I lost sight of that, I strayed from the path.
If you're willing to give it a try, it's something I'd like to get back,
Because I value your friendship and I'd like it there in the end.

Let me end this with an apology.
An apology for my immaturity, the worst of me.
For all we've been through you deserve more.
If you give me the chance, I'll make it up to you with every word.

You are my sun.
You are part of me.
You were my best friend.
Hurting you is something I cannot forgive.

And if you cannot either,
I will understand.
I'm sorry.
This is my apology.