my blank canvas arms
that feel empty without you
cold and boring
i miss the burn of your touch
i miss how spontaneous you were
i miss how you were a reminder of everything i could be
i miss how you made me feel better

there was this rush with you
how every time i saw you
i was almost elated
and disappointed
you were my legitimacy
my own point of intimacy
and as it turned out to be
you never loved me

i used you
and you used my body
to fuel your aspirations
of pain
and intentions
of hurt
because of you
im a flight risk
and all i want is to go somewhere over this rainbow
that only bleeds red

please don't leave me
i keep your love letters
in my pillowcase
and no need to fear
these blades
unlike grass
are not evergreen

my scars remain
spiderweb hairs
silver slivers of memories
caught in lies and deceit
please leave me here

because i believe you love me
and i love you
but i don't need you
anymore

I don't wear smiles
like clothes,
like you wear makeup

I don't choose in aisles,
in stores,
just for the occasion

You can try
and you'd fit right in my shoes
but I'd never fit in yours

I don't wear jewels
but I'd love
to wear your denial
mmm,
your scent for awhile...

...
This morning:

The quiet bleeds when you're not looking.
i did not know that the quiet could bleed.

Depression enters my room,
the garden wails in protest, death kisses my stomach,
Sadness whispers that she will not take my chalk outline and teach it how to walk today.
Today the sun stops working.

My mother buries
whatever slowly died in me
under the duvet.

Last night:

i guess,
anything can be a gun
if the darkness surrounding it
is hungry enough

i don't know how i make it to his bathroom
in time, but i can already feel the autopsies
they will preform on me;

i tame ugly screams beneath it all,
tell myselff it's not suicide if
love hangs in my mouth.

The other day:

"i have no sympathy"
"if it's killing you, then why are you still with him"

This particular stain of anger never quite
reaches my reflection in the mirror.
But it sets my clothes on fire.
All the same,
i seethe endlessly; and slit the throat of forgiveness so
it is not an option i could consider.

My father wakes up inside of me sometimes;
i am not afraid to be
a weapon in which i was designed,
a nuclear war in which i will return home from.

A while ago:

"you need to figure things out between just the two of you, none of your girl friends should be threatening my baby boy"
"i would have married a man i didn't love..."

for the love of GOD---

To ALL the adults who have tasted false wisdom
and wish to share it with me;
do not speak to me as if you could translate my suffering
for me, you do not look like a ghost to me,
do not treat me like i do not know that trauma is a thief to my innocence, you do not look like a victim to me,
do not ******* tell me that i am to contain myself to your benefit, because you know nothing but the way my name tastes on your lips,

i will
paint targetson your back,
with your own words--
and i will feed you to
the bullet feast when you least
expect it.

Don't patronize me with your ignorance disguised as watercolors.

Later tonight:

A little like all at once,
all over the world,
i fall out of love with you.

i used to baptize myself in
the things my phoenix would whisper to me,
all his solids and shadows
oh, the world was so beautiful in his eyes.

And how i wish there was a softer metaphor
that could lower me into this grief,
cause isn't heaven heavy enough,
isn't this hurting plenty?

Now:

i don't know how to describe the aftermath
other than----

"there is just a lonely hum in my mind
where my name used to be."

I dance between the graves
Of the bodies that came, but didn't stay
Praying to make it home dry
There's a storm raging in the sky

As if it were a camera's flash
Lighting strikes when I think of them
Counting back from three to one
That perfect moment, forever gone

"Always and Forever", etched on the cast
Of my broken heart that looks like broken glass
And the Jack of Spades fell for the Queen of Clubs
But she ran off with
The King of Diamonds

There's a storm raging in the sky
There's a storm raging in this guy
There's a storm raging in the sky
There's a storm raging...

I have your card but I don't have your number
I try to recall but its hard to remember
A plan, tonic, mixed with your half slumber
Just because they pretend doesn't mean that they care

I read your words and its easy to see
That you've been a basketball after everyone from me
Passed around like you were hot gossip
But they all left once you gave what they wanted

Why was it so hard to accept what I offered?
We both did things to anger each other
And after that we realized
It was ourselves we came to despise

I'm tired of faking
Tired of playing this act
I'm sick of pretending
Pretending like I couldn't care less

Don't tell me your number
I'll only falter
In the act of moving on
Don't tell me your number
Cuz these images
Will be my roadblock.

I don't want to give you the satisfaction
Of knowing how much I adore you
No, I don't want to show any reaction
When you say, "I miss you"

You were and will always be my sunshine
Even when you make me feel like ****
Cuz it is mostly in the pitch of night
When you forget your sunrise kisses

If every guy treated you like an angel
Like the ones that I pray to
Yeah, if they were all capable
I wouldn't be the one you come back running to

Between the moments they call you back
When they do I return
To the slack of rope around my neck
To the liquid burn

You could have been my Eve
It was me who propped you up
To grab the apple from the tree
I guess you always kind of were

If there's such thing as a Heaven
I'm pretty sure I've been there
And if I were to go again
It'd be your love that takes me there

Take me there...